Well rockstar book number two is done. It was another 400 page book, it was 432 pages actually. It was a very good book. Not much different from Slash. Besides the bands, members of the band, and stories. It really wasn’t much different. There were some things different between the two. For one, this was more a diary and having people interviewed about how he was and the band too during the tour and his life going back and forth between the highs and lows of Nikki Sixx at that time. It was good, but very sad.
It started on Christmas day 1986 (I think, and yes I considered waiting until Christmas day to buy it, but I couldn’t) and it was very strange for me to read his diary entries. I mean, this is what was going through his mind while he was taking all these drugs, drinking, and figuring out if he really wanted to live or not. It amazes me how a lot of people living in this kind of lifestyle even remembers their life during their rough days. Some people, would have not think to write it all down in a diary. Especially writing while he was paranoid, which confused me a little. If the drugs make you paranoid in the first place, I would not write in my diary about my feelings of it all and hope to God nobody reads it. He must’ve stashed these diaries very well for anybody to not get curious.
While I was reading Slash’s book, I laughed in certain parts. I know you shouldn’t but there were parts in there that you could not stop yourself. In this book. I caught myself wanting to cry more, because he kept going back and forth. He wanted to get clean, tried a few times, but failed. He didn’t have anybody to turn to, and that really upsets me. Everytime he had a good day entry, where he was clean I was smiling and happy for him. Then he’d go back to his demons and all I wanted to do was scream. Why do people continue to do stupid crap to themselves? That’s what I kept asking myself and as I read on. I understood why, addiction is serious stuff. You can’t escape it. Thankfully, there are lots of people out there (including Nikki) who are clean now and trying to stay away from it all for good. He got married, which is in there but he was always worried he’d never get married and have kids. He got into photography. He forgave people.
I’ve struggled with my beauty issues. Everybody has those days. Where we hate ourselves, mentally and physically. I’ve struggled with it for several years now. I’ve noticed it’s not just me that’s casused this. It’s been everybody around me. My family and friends tell me I’m beautiful, and whenever they say that I just want to say back, “f*ck you!” I hate being called beautiful. For one, I don’t believe it. I probably won’t either. It bugs me a lot. I see other girls struggle with their issues about beauty and it kills me everytime I tell them they’re beautiful (when they are!) and I can’t get myself to believe it. It kind of defeats the whole purpose doesn’t it? I know I’m crazy for thinking this way, but try living in my shoes for a day and a night if you’re lucky. You know I shouldn’t believe the little thoughts in my head at night, but like tonight they won’t let me sleep.
My nana and I were talking about different things earlier today. Mostly about guys, which is a fun subject to talk about with her. She asked me what my type was. To be honest, I don’t really have a type. I either like you or I don’t. I think I’ve stopped chasing every little boy here. I’m tired of everybody in my hometown. Especially all the guys, they’re nothing but assholes! I’ve got a few guy friends, but I don’t talk to them one on one anymore. They’re gone from my life. If I had the chance I’d give every single one of these guys a piece of my mind. Would they listen? Nope. They don’t care. They don’t care that they’ve hurt me mentally than anything else. I don’t tell guys my truths because I know there’s no trust there. So why do I continue to speak to them? Because I’m a sucker for their eyes and smiles. That is my weakness.
When we were talking today, she asked me that question. She asked me if I ever saw myself dating a doctor. This was my answer, “every parent wants their daughters to marry somebody like a doctor, lawyer, etc and I’m already a hassle. He’s got his job to worry about and nobody in that occupation needs to be with a person like me.” That’s how I see things. I was serious too, I am a hassle sometimes, I have to depend on people for certain things and I’d feel such a burden to somebody like that. So I don’t see myself with anybody like that. I’m sorry if anybody disagrees with that part, but no matter what you say won’t change my mind. Unless somebody comes out of the shadows and surprises me than I might consider it, but don’t press your luck. If I end up single for the rest of my life I’d be kind of mad. Because I want kids someday and God knows this very well. I hope a good man is on he’s way soon. Because I’m tired of waiting.