So here I am, I’ve been up since 7:56am this morning. I went to bed early. I was productive yesterday and I was in pain again. I guess I got comfortable and passed out. I put my CDs and DVDs in my big case and traded a few that were inside my stereo and put in new ones. It’s a somewhat of a long process when you’re trying to scoot from one side of your bed with about four CDs in your right foot and trying to keep your balance as you’re getting to the edge. I’ve had a couple close calls from falling off my bed because I’ve either lost my balance with placing my foot in the wrong place or trying to put a CD inside the changer and I’m leaning slightly to the edge of the bed. If I ever fall off I think I’d be stuck there. It’s a mess over in that part and quite small.

Afterwards, I laid down and noticed my feet were really dry. I got new lotion in October and haven’t used it yet. I texted my mom asking her to put lotion on my feet and for some reason she thought putting up the tree would be awesome to do instead. We usually put up the tree in the evening, it’s kind of a tradition to do it that way. However, dad had his football game on and so that was a factor. Poor Emily was dropped from her normal job of putting up lights and garland around the tree. We were in charge of putting up bulbs. She kept taking all my spots in the middle and bottom part of the tree. Dad found Christmas hats and put them on and we had to take a freaking picture because that’s what mom wanted. We had three animals in the house, a wheelchair, and a girl who was going to wing it through putting up the tree. It was interesting.

When we were done, I went in my room and looked up at the clock only to find out it was only 2pm. I could feel my stomach hurting. I was exhuasted from staying up til mom and Emily came from their ER visit that night. Werid part was, I had gotten sleep, generous amount of sleep too and I still felt crappy. So I ate something around four and I haven’t been eating much. Last night was the exception apparently. I rolled over and I felt comfortable and all I remember was waking up and seeing my clock turn 8:30pm. My family was going to bed at that time. I didn’t go to bed until midnight, but again slept alot but I’m feeling pain and tired again. I could take a nap but I’d be screwed for the rest of the night, but I really want to stay up until my mom gets home tonight from work, so that nap is looking pretty good right now.

Watch Me

When you’re a senior you’re allowed to do your own pictures for the yearbook. Of course they have to be school appropriate, but you could have better backgrounds and kind of be yourself in your last picture in the yearbook. I already had ideas in my head of what I wanted to do, but the only one that I actually did was only take one picture of myself in my wheelchair. The rest I was out of my chair. Sometimes I have the right mind set and doing these pictures I still had that. My wheelchair doesn’t make me who I am.

I’ve had lots of trouble with accepting myself. Anywhere I’d go people would stare and ask questions. I’ve got to say I’d rather them ask questions than just stare. I’ve never really felt beautiful. I went to both of my proms and only felt pretty during my senior year. I’ve grown to hate guys because they would never give me a chance. They’d look the other way as if they knew I was falling for them. I was always jealous of my sister. She had the good looks, she could walk, do sports, and had every guy my age flock around her. I’m not as jealous of her anymore. I’m just realizing she’s not as flawless as I thought she was or other girls for that matter.

Some things I have learned to accept. I can’t use my hands. After so many tries when I was younger of putting cranyons in my fingers and only making lines I gave up. I started using my toes for picking up different things, writing, and drawing. As the years kept rolling on, I’ve figured out texting, picking up CDs, lifting heavy things, and my favorite (which everybody gets a kick out of) flipping people off with my toes. Before I had my back surgeries in 2002 I could reach my fingers and legs. I had ways to itch my eyes and face. Now since I have pins in my hips to help keep my rods in place (or something like that) I lost that but I figured out how to find something else to fill in that hole. I use to be able to scoot everywhere and get myself on and off the couch, bed, and stairs. Now I can’t do that because I’m so damn heavy.

Lately I’ve been listening to Sixx:A.M. and keeping myself busy with telling stories about my life on here. Kind of hoping to help myself and others that even though I’ve been like this forever I’ve found ways. I hate when somebody I know starts to act like they can’t do something. It really bothers me, because then they’ll use me as an example. Thing is, I’ve complained about not doing things and later found out I can do things just in a different way. I’ve tried to keep telling myself there are worse people out there in this world. Because it’s true. It’s fun to be me at times, because I can get sassy sometimes. People should really expect me to do things. If you tell me I can do something, I might come back and kick you in the ass. Just because I’m disabled doesn’t mean I should let it get to me. I shouldn’t let people get to me but that still happens.