Battling It Out

As much as I try to keep my head up and say “everything’s going to get better” I still feel myself just collapsing inside. I can’t seem to keep it up for more than a day or so. Which I’m pretty lucky if I can get up to two days, but it’s rare. The more I think, the more it ruins all of my positive thoughts. I’ve thought of different quotes to describe me in the last several days. One is, “Some girls flaunt their bodies, I flaunt my feet. At least mine is practical.” I’ve thought about alot. It’s mean, smart, and clever all at the same time. I hate how girls flaunt their bodies to everybody making every other girl who has issues with their bodies, like myself included feel stupid. I liked the quote at first, but then I started to analyze it more and more and started to find it mean after a couple times saying it to myself. I don’t know.

My other quote is true, but comes across what I’ve found from different things. Since I’ve been listening to Sixx:A.M. I’ve tried to make myself think about me in a positive way. I found out from years before “Lies Of The Beautiful People” was even thought about was that it’s harder than it looks. Its easier said than done. No matter how many people try to tell me I’m beautiful, this little quote will come up. “God knows you’ve seen prettier.” It bugs me how much boldness I have in my brain. Sadly, I’ve wanted to say this out loud to a few people and then yell at them about it. I hate how everybody tries to deny it to me. I see about a hundred girls just one day out of my house. Especially we go to the super market. It pisses me off! Don’t try to deny it!

I can see a few people reading this, and wanting to hit me. In my defense, I watched “Soul Surfer” again and got all bent out of shape over it. I didn’t cry as much, but I still got all mad. When I talk to my friends and they try their best to confort me, family too. It never seems to work. I still feel myself wanting to explode on every person I come into contact with. I fake a smile and get on with it. I hope for tomorrow and a¬†happy ending. I’m just tired of everybody. I could just feel myself fuming from my stomach and for some odd reason it has not went up for years. It seriously sucks. I keep battling it out with all these emotions and people who try to be there for me, but I feel like I’m pushing them away. I really don’t want that.