Tune Tuesday | Where Does The Name ‘Upon Wings’ Come From? by Anne Erickson

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Howdy!

We’re back with the second Tune Tuesday post featuring Upon Wings lead vocalist Anne Erickson!

Are you loving these pieces so far? Everybody seems to love them, which is really great for the band as the more we do this, people who have never heard of them will grow more curious about their music and eventually want to check them out, which is something that I strive for on a daily basis. That’s what every music blogger wants to do, inspire people to look into this artist or group, so that maybe they’ll start to love them and become a steady fan, if that’s an actual term for musical purposes!

Today, Anne will be discussing how the name Upon Wings came about and I think it’s a very touching story on how different things, like verses or words in general can touch and help us create something entirely new! So I hope you all will enjoy it!


When I was thinking of different band names, I wanted something simple and something that somehow felt right with the band’s sound. I was looking at different places for inspiration, and I looked through the Bible for some inspiration and ideas and I read Isaiah 40:31:

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

The phrase “Upon Wings” stood out to me. To me, that phrase implies depending on something outside of yourself in times of need. It could be God, a friend or family member or something else to help you in some way. There are times in life when all of us will need to rest “Upon Wings” of Eagles to soar.


How is that for an answer?! I really loved hearing about this, because I remember the afternoon I found Upon Wings and literally I thought how the band name came about, honestly for most bands with out of the box names, this is usually the first thing that pops into my head!

How to follow Anne and Upon Wings?

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Top 11 Life Mottos To Live By

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Howdy!

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while. It wasn’t until I saw fellow blogger, Lisa put up a post about her favorite life mottos that made me get my butt in gear to publish this!

Back in 2014, I really wanted to learn how to deal with life. I didn’t want to get started on anti-depressants, and still don’t honestly! I knew what I was doing, wasn’t the best. I had two big depression spells first was in 2010 and the other was late 2011 into early 2012 and at this point at my life, I was fine, but I always felt on edge. I remember being on the website Your Zen Life created by actress Teresa Palmer a lot. I read some of their self-love articles and they really helped me deal with some of my inner demons. I started to learn more about daily affirmations and somehow I managed how to control my patience, which still freaks out a number of my family members!

Blondie and I have adopted a similar way of using life quotes to our advantage. After she got out of a very abusive relationship, one of the things she did to help her find some comfort, was she wrote out different quotes in this small notebook she got after attending a college campus tour. We’ve decorated the back of our doors with quotes and song lyrics that really mean a lot to us in the past, and with doing this, it helped a lot because I was able to see the phrases in front of me on a daily basis and I constantly had them on my mind.

If you follow my blog’s Facebook page and been seeing the quotes I’ve posted on there for the past couple of weeks, this is the reason. Here are eleven different quotes and the stories of why I like to use them on a daily basis. Maybe some of them will inspire you to adopt them into your life.

Train your mind to see the good in every situation.

A few years ago, I found this thing on Pinterest that I was thinking about doing, and I mentioned it to my nana and somehow by the end of our visit, we ended making a promise we’d do it together. So instead of looking at your whole day and knit-picking at the negative stuff first, you’re suppose to select three good things that happened within your day and if you can find three things then you have an excuse to say it was a “good day” compared to what you usually say.

This is how I ended up finding this quote, because it was similar to the activity. After a while, you do start seeing the good in your day that maybe you didn’t before. I mean, you’re going to have bad days, but you don’t want to feel stuck in that pattern for days on end, so this is a good way to start anew.

Sometimes the best reaction, is no reaction at all.

It’s funny, this was the quote that inspired this post because as much as I like to use it on a daily basis, the one thing that it doesn’t work on is apparently basketball. Maybe it’s the papaw in me or something, but I have trained myself to not react to everything, except that!

I think the one thing that I still need to work on, is how to deal with my dad. Whenever my mom goes to work, I spend close to six hours with him and we know how to get on each other’s nerves pretty easily. And whenever he says something that I feel like I don’t need to reply back to, he will ask it anyways. So I’ve learned to select my battles and I try my best to not give him any kind of reaction at all.

Everything happens for a reason.

To a lot of a people, this will seem like a cliche quote to use, but I think it’s one of the most popular quotes ever.

Honestly I use it for probably the most random things ever! This actually comes in handy whenever I watch Jeopardy.  I’ve had a lot of things that I’ve watched on TV, mostly about art, books, food, history become categories on the show within a week later. I always find it both cool and weird whenever it happens.

Prove them wrong.

This one is just embed into my brain. I started using this one when I was very young, before it was a just a simple phrase I heard other people say out loud to me and somehow I ended up becoming that phrase. I like to prove people wrong with everything I do, it’s part of my disability vocabulary, and I still use on a daily basis.

Strive for progress than perfection.

I wish I knew about this one in school, especially when I was in elementary. As the “prove them wrong” was meant as a positive quote to say around, it also had a drawback to it. When I would take art classes, I would become this “amazement” to my teachers and the rest of the class. I was never teased for it, but I feel like I was my biggest bully to myself because as I got older, I started to really hate wanting to be perfect in whatever I did. It took many, many years to get myself out of that mindset, especially when it came to art.

You’ll do it when you’re ready.

This is a like a timeline on what’s going on throughout my life without even trying!

I think this can be taken in many ways. Right now I have a lot of ideas relating to my writer side. I want to branch out and share some of my knowledge and pieces to other websites, but I have a lot of self-doubt that comes with it. I can talk myself up to it only so far before my confidence fades. So a part of me has been writing, writing, writing as I’m trying to follow the advice of Lucy and have a different array of articles in my drafts, so when I do decide I’m truly ready, I can just pick and chose which ones to give out!

Be open to whatever happens next.

I found this quote, prior to the death of my papaw. I don’t know if this was my sign that something was coming, but I have been increasingly embracing this lesson. I think it’s a good idea, because I know you can’t prepare yourself for everything, even though I’ve become pretty good at attempting this. I usually try to say it in the mornings, and it’s been very helpful!

Perspective is everything.

Perspective really is everything to me, it keeps me grounded I think. I’m not as quick to judge things and people, thanks to this quote. I also like to use it when it comes to art too! I like trying to figure out what the artist was thinking about as they were doing the design in the first place. That’s why I usually like big canvases and abstract art!

You can’t change what’s going on around you, until you start changing what’s going on within you.

Oh, this was a new addition to my life and to this post. I found it back in mid-April, as I was scrolling through my dashboard on Pinterest! I thought it worked well with how I was dealing with life in general.

I am the one that everybody comes to for advice, or they did, and I’ve been used as distractions in the past. I’m fairly good at doing both, but it’s when people don’t want to be bothered with either situation, is when it can get a bit difficult. Now when it comes to help for myself, I’m scared to ask for it. I like my independence and hate the fact that I need extra guidance to get through life, so a part of me knows that if I want to get better, I’m going to have to accept this obstacle and basically hitch a ride and hope to God, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Everything is a choice.

I think this is somewhat similar to “when you’re ready” and “perspective” quotes. They all go together with the same outlook, I mostly use them for my articles. I need to remind myself that everything I do is a choice, I don’t have to conform to what other people expect me to do, and if they don’t like it, I can take that piece and send it to another person or site and hopefully they’ll be more open to allow it.

Even the nicest people have their limits.

At first, I wasn’t going to add this quote, because I didn’t think it was like the others, but the more I thought about it and I realized why I wanted to write up this post in the first place, I figured out this was one of the most perfect quote/lesson to keep in mind.

I’m a fairly nice person, I don’t have any drama with people, I get along with most of the population. I’m not racist, homophobic, or anything of that nature. I’ll never really talk about these any subjects but I do have an issue with keeping other things, like serious topics locked up and they can swirl around in my head for many, many years without being discussed and I’m very been worried that one day, I’m just going to explode because somebody’s said the wrong thing to me and I’m going say something that’ll sound insulting and that’ll just break my heart.

So, in the future you might see some very brave posts that I feel need to be talked about on here, and hopefully I won’t sound too much like an asshole. I’m just tired of keeping my opinions to myself. This is your warning I guess to what could come on this blog in the next seven and a half months!

Are there any quotes that you love and keep nearby to remind you to keep going in life? What is your favorite quote ever?

Goals for 2018!

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Howdy!

I feel like this week I’ve done are lists for posts! I didn’t necessarily plan on do the one I posted on Tuesday but I figured it would be an easy one to write out so I went for it!

As I mentioned back in that post, I don’t really know what I’m doing blog wise for the entire year, which in a way is okay, but I have become one of those people that I’d like to have an idea and be able to have everything to maybe a create blog post out of it. Since my nana has moved out of her house, the crafts are like a no-go right now. However I do have a few goals for the new year. Some I have actually done before, I don’t know why I ever stopped doing them because they helped me a lot! And then there like one or two that I hope to really commit myself into doing better because I think I will be more relaxed and free to do things without feeling guilty.

Do Research For Novel – So, I think my biggest goal is to do more research for my novel. I’d like to do NaNoWriMo for 2018 again, but I’m still debating whether or not to try my foot at CampNaNo in April and/or July, because I think it would be good to have some more practice beforehand!

I had a lot of missing areas while I was writing the first draft. I need to work on my descriptions of my main characters and explore different locations, I need to find a good place for all of them to live. I’ve had certain places in mind already, but I feel like I would need to learn more about war bunkers. I also need to look into on politics and ways of government (which is going to be difficult!) and weapons too!

Make Time To Do Other Stuff – I am the worst when it comes to doing other things besides blogging (and obviously NaNo). Since blogging itself is my life and I love doing it, I never give myself any free time to read or watch movies during the day. When I went to stay at my mom’s work in October, I read majority of the time I was there and only went on my laptop for an hour maybe four out of the eight days. The only day where I usually don’t do anything is Sunday, because it’s symbolic. If God can have a day off, so can I! However, on the day I wrote this post, it was literally a Sunday! Funny how that works! So I’d like give myself more chances to detox really.

Read 7 Books – I don’t know how I did it, but I ended up reading five books this year! I am happy with myself that I completed my Goodreads Challenge I made up at the start of the year though. I always go on there and look up what other people are reading and how many they’ve selected to read in 12 months. The real bookworms have put over 100 books and by the end of June, they’ve already went over their original amount and continued to get more books to read in the mean time. I admire them a lot!

Although I was very proud, I didn’t think I read majority of them for the fun of it. I think Elizabeth of York, Me Before You and The Da Vinci Code were the only ones that I literally made time to enjoy and weirdly enough I read one at the start, middle, and at the end of the new year, which is kind of cool but that means the other two weren’t as fun. I remember a time when I was a bookworm too, and I was even in high school! I don’t think I read over 10 books when I was Junior though, that year was chaotic enough!

I have decided on seven books for 2018. I’d like to finish the three that I still have on my “currently reading” right now. I was asked to do a review for an author back in August and I feel bad that I haven’t been reading that, but I lost interest in it and eventually went into a reading slump. I know I want to at least get in the middle of The Girl On The Train, before that really drives me nuts! I also want to watch the movie! And the last one is Victoria Aveyard’s second book of the Red Queen series, The Glass Sword. I was so addicted to that series, I mean it is the reason why I’m so hard on myself about my own fight scenes for my novel.  

Write Out Ideas – This is actually something that I’ve been doing lately. My nana gave me a lot of her old and unused notepads when she moved into the nursing home, and I’ve been noticed that I’ve getting close to completing one of them already! I’ve written out so many of my blog post ideas on them, and crossed them out whenever I’ve finished with it. Sadly, I may not get rid of it whenever I do finish it because I’d be too proud of myself to throw it away! Sentimental.

Last April, my mom got me a very late Christmas present as I was wanting a daily planner. She got me one the year before, but I never really used it and mostly not only was it small but heavy for me to lift but I wanted a new one that showed the entire calendar on roughly one page like the big one she uses in the kitchen, but I didn’t necessarily want one exactly like that so she found one for free at the meat market when she and dad went shopping! I actually used it off and on for most of the year. It wasn’t until October that I couldn’t get the digital calendar to pop up on WordPress whenever I wanted to schedule my posts, that I actually started using it more and more. Now it’s full of ideas and the posts I had done for those last three months of the year!

My nana and I got daily planners from my mom’s work, which was very nice! I’ve been scheduling upcoming posts on there and already have a hefty list of Blogmas topics for the end of the year too! I’m also in the early works on coming up with my summer music series, Tune Tuesday Worldwide too! So both of the notepads and planner are coming to good use for me right now.

Look For Three Things – Back in 2014 and parts of 2015, I did this thing where I looked for three good things that happened throughout the day and let that decide whether or not I had a good day.  I don’t know why I even started doing it. I feel like it was an alternative to putting the good moments in a jar. I don’t think I had a jar handy and so I ended up doing it this way and I ended up enjoying it a lot better.

Pick Your Battles – This is another one I wondered why I stopped doing because I think it’s something that I need to be constantly doing throughout the day and night. I can get pretty defensive and lash out to people without any warning. I’ve been bickering with my dad a lot more lately. He can do things to really push my buttons and since I’m of his blood, I’ve learned to continue the cycle and give it right back at him sometimes. So I need to relearn how to keep my mouth shut and move on around him. This will be hardest one to do out of the others!

Create An Affirmation Wall – Once I had a whole space behind my door of different quotes that I thought would help me be chill and mindful. The last goal was part of the affirmations that I had listed on there. I had a stack of unopened, medium, neon colored paper that I got last spring that I could use but I’m running out of space to put things and be able to see them at the same time too. So if I do eventually do this, I’d have to get creative on placement.

Do you have any goals you’d like to do for the new year? Share some with me in the comments below!

snowflake

 

My Papaw Has Dementia

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Hey guys!

Today, I’m doing something very different. I don’t normally talk about serious matters of the family until I have permission, but I finally got my mom’s okay to do this post. I have two reasons why I wanted to write this: in case anybody needs information for somebody close to you that has dementia. My second is I really needed to talk about it out loud before I explode!

I wanted to give you some background about my family, or at least my mom’s side of the family. I’m hoping that after I’ve gotten this one out, I can finally share those posts I have been saving since November about the great aunts. I know more information about her side since I’ve been around them more later in life. My papaw (my mom’s dad) is very interesting and I hope to God I don’t sound bias or anything, but he is!

He was pharmacist for 47 years! My grandparents have been married for 50+ years. Every anniversary, they would always celebrate it by going to Red Lobster. Our whole family took them to eat out at Red Lobster for their 50th anniversary in 2011. It was very cute and nice to be out fancy with my family. Everybody ate like kings that day! My papaw has a train room in the house, unfortunately it’s upstairs but it doesn’t stop him from going up there. He’s ordered and made a lot of model trains and tracks. He’s obsessed but in a good way! Whenever we would come over after school, he would be sitting in his desk and painting a side of a train so delicately!

We’ve been noticing a sight change in his behavior. I say “we” but it’s mostly been my mom and nana. He’s been forgetting a lot of different things in the last several months. My nana has had to explain a few things, like where everybody lives and where everything is, especially in the kitchen. More recently, the changes has increased; now he thinks somebody is going to take them back home, when he’s already home. They moved all over Indiana, spending most of their time in central Indiana before moving into the aunt’s house down south. My nana also thinks whenever he takes a bath and eats breakfast in the mornings, he should be going to work but he hasn’t been to work in a long time.

When he first started going a little loopy and I mean that in the bad way. He was mean to basically everyone. He wasn’t napping, drinking coffee/water like he normally does in the middle of the day either. He ultimately went to the hospital. I don’t necessarily know what all happened for him to go there, but I’m pretty sure these were the basic reasons. They did tests on him to see why he was acting the way he was. The main reason was he got mixed up with different medication and took too much. Now everybody watches over him like a hawk. He hasn’t been medically tested for dementia yet, but my mom thinks it’s very mild.

We’re mostly afraid of the bad really days, because we don’t want him to spend the rest of his life in a nursing home. He’s not going to like that. What hurts me the most is that I’ve been trying to comfort everybody and full myself up with as much of his stories of Hawaii, family, hear fun times with his friends Harold and Dick, etc as I can and I’m still scared of the inevitable. I know it’s going to happen, they’re both end up in a nursing home. If one goes, they both go because the house is too big and everybody’s already in agreement on that part. It’s always been known in our family that once they’re out of the house then it’ll be set for safe and that really bothers me, despite the fact that the living room and upstairs creep me out! I’ll explain that story on another day! I’m not ready to see my grandparents go into a nursing home or see somebody else living in their house either. I mean, all the holiday and family gatherings spend there. I’m pretty sure that’ll hurt me a lot.

I want to end this post on a good note, so I’ve decided to include some funny stories that my papaw has done throughout my life and some recent things that has happened while on his good days where he’s slept and drank lots of fluids.  My parents only allow me to go over there whenever he’s “normal” and not combative with everybody.

I feel like everytime I talk about my grandparent’s, I’m mostly talking about my nana. It’s not that I try to do that, my papaw and I have a special bond. I only watch sports with him. We share the interest of Butler basketball, cookies, storytelling and running our wheelchairs into walls. I love my papaw and enjoy being around him. When my mom started to hint that he was showing signs of early dementia, I kind of brushed it off. I didn’t think she was serious, even though she is a registered nurse, I still didn’t want to believe her. In my defensive, I don’t think I was the only one in my family that didn’t want to believe her either!

The other day, we really knew there was something different about him when he had to be taken to the hospital I think like, two or three days before Christmas. I wanted to come right out and say why I was asking for prayers for my own family on my social media accounts, but at the time I didn’t know how serious it was. Unfortunately, I suck at gaining information about it. My nana has said she’s been reading up about it. She’s been reading about how to act around him and his behavior towards others. My parents cook their meals, mostly breakfast and supper. They’re getting spoiled on breakfast with my dad (he does make great breakfasts!) and my mom takes me over there around lunchtime on certain days and we eat lunch with them and I feel like he’s been missing that. We used to it that every weekend, but then we stopped.

Every week, we would get a call at our house, he usually leaves a message on our answering machine making sure my dad knew that he hadn’t gotten lottery tickets and that he was going to win the big bucks! However half the time he calls he’s not addressing anybody in general, he’s talking to our dog ChiChi. He’ll literally go “Hi ChiChi, please tell your daddy or mommy that we need lottery tickets today. ” If you got this on your machine, it would warm your heart into a little puddle.

In 2009, he had to go to the hospital because he got a really bad infection in his foot. He is losing feeling in his feet, so if he sticks himself on accident with anything sharp, like in this case a staple that went right throw through his sock and shoe. He got an infection and ultimately lost his big toe on his right foot. After he came home, he did PT to learn how to walk again, but only to use a walker for a couple of years and now he just stays in his wheelchair. I got to see his foot after he had his toe amupteed, it was disgusting! I had front row seat too! It looks so good now! It’s a little weird that he’s missing a toe, but it’s more cool than gross.

He was a pharmacist in the army, we are always hearing stories about him being stationed in Hawaii He is a storyteller, now you all know where I got it from! It doesn’t matter if there’s a lot of people around or the same two people that were hanging out with him the day before, he’ll tell you a story about the funniest things ever!

The other day, my mom was doing errands and my papaw was talking about a time when was working in Hawaii, they had a dog that would scratch at the door. Her name was Amber. Somehow we got on the subject of baseball and like I’ve said before, I don’t watch sports. I don’t know anything about basketball. My sister does, definitely more about baseball than any other sport except maybe cheerleading! She would have loved what we were discussing that day, however he couldn’t remember the pitcher’s name, but apparently he was in Hawaii too or something like that, and he has the perfect play for a Dodgers game once and he was very upset that he couldn’t remember the guy’s name, but what got me was after he left the room he found pictures, one of them was a Buick convertible with him and a friend in the army overlooking mountains and ocean of Hawaii, plus a little doggy named “Amber” in the front!

I’m sorry for making everybody cry while reading this post. You’re used to more positive stuff on here and wham! I publish this one. I needed to speak out about it though. So I hope you didn’t mind it that much! Thank you for reading this post! 🙂

snowflake

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The Heart What The Heart Wants

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I’ve been trying to find the words to this topic for a while, but it’s difficult to discuss with others. I am an aunt, but it’s with Blondie. No, I have another sister that not very many people know about because I’ve been quiet about the subject. I have only talked about her only two or three times. Even in those times, I didn’t go into full detail about her. I still might be a little bitter about meeting her back in 2011. After every year comes and goes, the day of her first visit with one of her friends is still pretty visible I lose track of the actual date, but it was pretty enjoyable. I was way too excited to meet her. My parents were nervous, especially my dad. They cleaned this house from top to bottom. When we heard somebody pull into the driveway, things began to slow down and after that I don’t remember much. I think without risking going into a deep hole I blocked majority of the day out.

She came over with her laptop showing us pictures and videos of her little boy, we’ll call “T” on here. I’m pretty sure I’ve shared the both of their names on here but as far talking about him now. I don’t like to post anybody’s children without their permission. So getting back to the beginning, I’ve known about him for a couple of years now. My mom and dad found her in the newspaper after he was born. They didn’t tell me his name but they said she had a baby boy. I thought it was strange to find out you had a sister a few years before, then find out you’re an aunt, meet her two years later and three days before you’re supposed to meet your nephew plans change and all contact is lost. I had kept in contact with her friend that came with her to the house, emailed her a couple of times, but like everything else we stopped talking to one another. I took it the hardest. My mom regrets having them come over to the house and while I was there with them. We actually had a connection and a deep one. It was just surreal of how fast things went off the track as it did. It was rough to not have that relationship that I’ve always wanted with an older sibling like Blondie had with me, but it was also tough to get through that Monday not being able to meet your own nephew.

I’m proud to say I think I’ve moved on from this. God can easily bring people into your life but he can also take them out and you just have to accept that maybe it’s for a good reason. I do have Blondie. I still remember during my freshman year (and she absolutely hated me for doing this) whenever I’d have a student play with me whenever they’d do like volleyball or something that I obviously couldn’t do in P.E. I used to talk about her all the time. I just doted her and thought she was an amazing person. I still do that’s why I still talk about her and the things she tries to do on here. She’s been back and forth on the whole kid talk. Years ago, she talked about adopting one from every region and already had a boy and girl name picked out. Now she doesn’t want kids. If I was to believe ego I’d say I’ll never get married or have kids like I’ve always wanted to. So I feel like if we never have kids, having a relationship with “T” would make things better. Of course. things don’t always work out that way. Who knows we both might have kids and everything will be okay. Maybe I’ll become somebody’s godmother too.

Until then though, I’ll be enjoying my time being single and childless.

Own.

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This post is inspired by two different things that have recently happened.

The other day while my mother was busy giving me one of our nightly hugs. I had my laptop up and running, on my Twitter profile as I was either checking on my “favorites” to read the saved blog posts from other bloggers or I wanted to show her something else and I forgot to switch it. Anyways, she got to read a new banner of mine. On Twitter and my blog, I try to make my own banners and she didn’t really like it. Not because it’s just simple and kind of gloomy, but of what I had put to be at the center of the banner itself. I have a few categories I mostly discuss on this blog on the banner, to give and attract other bloggers. She liked everything but how I had the “disability” up front. She proceed to tell me that she didn’t it was right because of the fact she doesn’t look at me as somebody with a disability or none of our friends do either. As much as she had a good point to make, I just couldn’t agree with her fully because of one thing.

On the internet, it’s sometimes difficult to explain you have a disability when you hardly ever show it off. I mean, yes, I do publish posts about the things I can do with my feet and talk about the things that I need help doing, but when I hardly post any pictures of my face and body on Twitter. People hardly understand it. So I know I don’t have to say it first thing, but let’s face it, saying “oh my toes hurt too if I write for too long.” I mean, a normal person would basically run away after you’ve said that. I’ve found that if I’m up front about it, people are usually nice and actually want to learn more about it too. I’m all about wanting to be treated like a decent human being, but let’s not forget I am disabled here. Growing up, I had to juggle between knowing I was different other kids and rolling around in a wheelchair, but I tried to be like everybody else too. And with that, I think that’s why I was so depressed because I was striving to be like my friends. I’m not like them, I am unique. I do things in my own way and I’m happy to say I’ve been very happy to being able to accept both sides of myself now.

The second thought was about my blog, I was looking on my Facebook and I saw the top left say “Owner of Got Meghan’s Blog” and I don’t know about you guys, but it makes me very happy to have that. I’ll be honest for a second, I don’t have a job. I do chores for my grandparents. If I could, I wouldn’t take their money, because I hate taking other people’s money. Mostly because I know I should be out getting a job and stabilizing myself as a normal human being. I also think in my head a lot that if I had a job would my blog get put on the back burner, because I’ve become so busy with my work instead? After quitting college and feeling depressed about dealing with that, blogging was my escape. I don’t want anything to take that away from me. So what if I talk about (almost) everything in my life? I feel like I pay more attention to things going on if I know it’s going on my blog. Every little thing is analyzed and can turn into other ideas for future posts or titles. I like being in control of things and always have, this is my space. I’m going to do whatever I want with it. If things progress and decide to go into vlogging or working with brands, then I’ll go into it. My intuition will get me to it someday.

Before I Ever Met You

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I’ve always heard if it’s not your story to tell, then don’t tell it. Well, I’ve been thinking a lot in the last couple of months and I don’t want this post to sound mean at all, but I need to release some things or I’ll just continue to hide my thoughts and feelings, so bare with me. 

I’ve been very quiet about a certain subject that pretty much took my family, my sister especially on one hell of a ride that we weren’t expecting. In 2013, my sister told my parents right before they were going to head to bed that her boyfriend at the time had done something bad to her. All I heard were different things. I didn’t actually hear the full story until the next morning. My sister and her boyfriend were at her friend’s house, she was there for a sleepover. He was there along with a couple of other boys too. According to my sister, they got into a big and bad fight while there. He threw her up against the wall in her friend’s bathroom, and did some other things that a man should NEVER do to a woman. At the time, our folks called the police it was one day afterwards. So they couldn’t exactly arrest him that night, but they did go have a chat with him and his family.

The next few months were hell for my sister and the rest of my family. My sister filed a protective order, which proved to be just a piece of paper to everybody at their school. Since the school had never had anything like that happen or so we were told, they didn’t exactly know how to deal with everything: meaning they weren’t going to do anything about letting him go from playing his sports or anything. He did have to stay away from her, but the school basically treated it like it was her fault, she was the victim of a domestic assault and yet this boy was allowed to do whatever he wanted to do. His family was obviously on his side, treated my sister like shit. There were some things that he tried saying happened that she did but it didn’t take a genius to figure out they were false. Even though, all of this happened to her; she still didn’t want him to get into big trouble, he was put on probation, had to spend three days in Juvenile Center, and had to respect the protective order. The whole reason why she pressed charges was for him to get help. Everything that I just explained happened during her last year in high school. Not how you want to remember your senior year by any means.

Fast forward a year later, my sister struggles with anxiety and she’s got some trust issues with guys. The protective order was to done in February of this year. She went ahead and dropped it a month earlier. We were all kind of shocked, some more than others. We knew she wasn’t going to go back with him. We just didn’t know how everything was going to turn out afterwards, how would he feel about it, what would be his next move?

From the time that I first heard about everything, the dreams started to form. I kept having terrifying dreams of being led into the woods, sometimes with a camper or besides a lake/river. The dreams would never turn out pretty and they would always go on longer even after I’ve woken up. I would be bleeding from the stomach or in my legs. I would be left for dead inside a boat traveling down the water. Or sometimes I would be chained up against a tree, crying and praying for a way out of my misery. It would all be so real, because my imagination would be so vivid. I could picture the trees, how tall they were and what colors they were at the time. When they started, or when I really started to notice them it was winter turning into spring. So I would grow kind of worried about my surroundings and my family’s. Everything that happened in my dreams was from the hands of my sister’s ex. It wasn’t until December did I really notice them gone from my head. I didn’t have another one, but it doesn’t mean that he still scares me.

My sister has a new boyfriend, you’ve heard me call him “Batman” on here. I’ve been very weary of him, but quite frankly everybody has ever since this happened. I’ve been pretty good at judging a guy’s personality and how they treat my sister and myself. We were cheated with the last one that even our little “guard dog” ChiChi liked him and she HATES people coming and going in our house. So we thought it was a good sign that maybe she knew something we didn’t know, well she acts the same way with this new boy. She still barks at him, but everything seems the same. I feel like as the older sister I didn’t catch any signs from the previous few months before the incident. I mean, we knew about some things. Once they came over to my nana’s and they were in his truck, he apparently got so angry with her that he spilled a drink inside. They came inside and grabbed a rag to clean it up. His whole personality was dark and everybody could feel it in the air, my cousin Kristi really didn’t like the way he was acting so she spent most of the time they were in his truck outside making sure everything was really fine. That was our true sign of his real self in action.

Since my sister has been single for a whole year, she was learning how to talk to guys again and this made me sad to think after one boy she’d basically lose a part of herself in the struggle. I’ve always kept quiet because I didn’t feel like it was my story to tell; that’s why I’m not telling all of the things that really happened. I feel like I can’t trust this new guy she’s got now. I kind of feel like my dad in a way, how he’s always worried about us and our relationships. I don’t know how to act around this boy, I feel like I don’t like him for the wrong reasons. My sister’s easy to forgive, but I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her ex, I still think he deserved more than what he got but that’s an older sister’s opinion for you! This experience has also changed my views on dating too. I feel like I’m afraid to give myself to anybody. We were already worried about if I was to get into an abusive relationship, but now I’m really not looking for any kind of relationship at the moment. I still have the little crushes I had back in high school, but hardly ever on anybody in town.

It’s just a weird thing I have that I don’t know how to really get past it. I know I can do it, but it’s just going to take some time. Now that I’ve had my sister read this post and gotten her permission to publish it, and told both my mother and nana about it. Even though my nana’s known about the dreams since they first started, anyhow I feel much better about everything. Now if only I could get myself to stop breaking down into tears I’d be even better, but I don’t think that’ll get better until my sister goes on Christmas break. She’s been having to work a lot since she got her new job, so she’s been away even more which hasn’t been easy for me either. I’ve cried twice about that issue too. I’m a freaking mess these days. Hopefully there will be a good day heading for me soon!