Dear Nikki Sixx

All my life I’ve never been a big fan of myself. I hated what I looked like in a mirror. I hated the fact that I wasn’t like my sister whatsoever. I didn’t have the blonde hair, hazel eyes, all of the muscles she had in her arms and legs. In my disease, not only is it a joint disease where all of my joints are locked in place but I have less muscles than a regular person like me. I’ve always compared myself against my sister. I’ve never really hated her for being the “perfect” one, but I’ve hated myself. Hating yourself is a nightmare. Just this past weekend I remembered all these feelings I had when I hated myself. The feeling of you can’t do this or that and it got to the point where I was so mad at myself I hit the floor with my foot so hard it hurt afterward. Then I remembered not to be so mad because it’s not my fault I can’t lift myself off the floor. The reason why I can’t lift myself is because my back side is too heavy. I have metal in my back. If I hadn’t had the spinal fusion surgery back in 02 I could have died. It’s just a blessing in disguise.

That’s how I see life. Everything is a blessing from God, and life is beautiful with both the highs and lows. We learn from everything we do. Everything we get introduced to is there for a reason. So when I got introduced to the story of Nikki Sixx and started to listen to a lot of Sixx:A.M. I started to think. How can a guy like Nikki think a person like me is beautiful? I’ve been told from family and close friends (including Twitter friends) that I was beautiful, but I’ve never taken them seriously. No offense. At the time I was listening to “Lies Of The Beautiful People” and watching the music video and holding back tears because nobody outside of that comfort zone has ever said that. Even though it wasn’t directed to me, personally. The song and video (mostly his photography) captured me. So I started thinking well if he likes me for who I am, maybe I shouldn’t give up hope on everybody. Everybody tells me I’m inspiration. You want an inspiration? Read about Nikki Sixx.

He’s changed my sense on life. How I choose to see people. How I choose to see myself. I still have my doubts. Everybody does, it never leaves. I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo. I’ve never gotten one before. I want to get “Life Is Beautiful” on the side of my right leg. I’ve always hated my legs. I’m always wearing long-sleeved pants because shorts and I don’t get along. I want to be bold like Nikki and say something meaningful. Life is a beautiful blessing we have. I shouldn’t care about what others think of me. I should be proud of what I got. Having a tattoo of a song that means so much, hell even the band, they mean so much to me. They’ve changed me on how I look at everything. So why shouldn’t I flaunt something like that? I’m not the type of fan who would drive a celebrity crazy constantly, so this is what happened. I let it all out on here. So thank you Nikki Sixx, Dj Ashba, and James Michael. You changed me into thinking everything in life is beautiful just the way it is. My senior quote was “Why be normal when you can be so much more.” I don’t think I’m normal, instead I think I’m beautiful. (:


Round Two Of The Sickness

Well the second round of sickness came knocking on my door Tuesday night. Before I go into this, I’m going to give everybody a warning, it wasn’t a pretty sight to see so it’s not going to see a pretty story to tell. So I’m sorry in advance, and I’ve also been saying these two words for the past two days. So you’re going to either fight through reading this or not read it at all. Whatever you may choose, it’s a just a story of a sickly handicapped girl. Let’s get to it.

It all started Tuesday night, right around 8:30pm maybe. Both of my parents have had the stomach flu for a while, and each have tried to stay away from me while they had it. Anyways, I was sitting up reading my book, which by the way I was practically finished with it. My stomach started to act up. Kept turning and turning. I laid back down and got a drink to maybe calm myself down. Then a little while after that my dad came in and took me to the bathroom. I told him about my stomache and then I pretty much said, it could come out of both ways. Front and back. (Sorry, it’s going to get disgusting and a little humor might come along too.) I was right, because once my mom got home, and she was informed about it. I exploded.

In my situation, since I can’t walk or move my arms so everything about the stomach flu is never in my favor. I can handle everything but the going to the bathroom five times a day/night and throwing up on myself. It’s something that I know from experience we can’t control, but around this time I really wish I had muscles in my arms to move them out-of-the-way and hold the damn bucket myself. That night, dad slept out in the living room and mom slept on the floor in my room. I know for a fact she didn’t get much sleep that night. I didn’t get my first round of sleep until midnight. Now, here’s the difference between my mom and I with our sleeping habits. We both love our fans, but she has to have noise as well. So the TV had to be on and thank god for The Golden Girls. I went to bed around the same time she did just more worried. Then I got up at 2:30am and stayed up because around 3am, I throw up for the third time. I don’t know how I kept myself so calm. I never do that. Usually I cry, even though got to say I was close to doing that too. After that one, mom and dad took the towels and my Transformers blanket in the bathroom to be washed.

The next day I woke up around 6am. I was watching Captain Planet, Tom & Jerry, and The Flintstones. Mom and dad got up with Em. I went to the bathroom normally. Dad made me toast.  I was really thirsty so I took a few more sips than I was supposed to, and somehow neither one wanted to make a surprise getaway from my stomach. Later on that morning, I tried to sit up. I only wanted to sit up for five minutes. I actually was just thinking about it. I think after three minutes I gave up and laid back down. I didn’t sit up again unless I went to the bathroom. I ate again either before or after this, dad gave me a banana. Which was good! I’m not that big of a fan of them, but it was cold and yummy! I could eat anything really. I stayed up a little more afterwards, then I started watching The Little Rascals. I miss that movie! After it was over, I took a nap. I rolled over to look at my clock (I don’t remember the time) and went back to sleep.Dad came in and asked if I wanted some green beans, those were good. I woke back up in time to see mom come home work. . Before anyone got any sleep, dad made a lunchable, it was a cracker one. Those were good too! I was concerned that I pretty well effed up my sleep, so when I woke up at 8am this morning I was stunned! I had slept all night long. Thank you Jesus!

Waking up this morning, mom woke me up to take me to the bathroom. I went normally again. I woke up very hungry than I was the day before. So she gave me a banana. After she went to sleep I stayed up. I was bored and I didn’t think I could sleep anymore. I did the stupid thing and watched Food Network off and on all morning long. I also listened to Octane as well. It was my only source of music throughout the last two days. Around 10am, I heard “This Is Gonna Hurt” by Sixx:A.M. I hadn’t heard a song by them since Tuesday, so I enjoyed every minute of it. I was a very happy camper. Somehow afterwards I guess it was my “okay” to allow myself to get a nap in. I took a nap and got up a half hour ago. Mom went and got Subway for us, and I had a wrap and cheddar Sun chips. It was sooo good! I hope I continue to feel better, but I’ll be one pissed off person if Tuesday night comes back to bite me in the ass. I just hope I get to watch the new episode of The Vampire Diaries tonight. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.


So today is almost finished. I’m actually sad that it’s ending because today was one of my better days I’ve had in a while. And that’s even before I became sick, I had a few sad days but I didn’t want them to be true so I kept denying them. I remembered yesterday, I was listening to metal bands all morning long and then I stopped and instantly got depressed. I wasn’t myself and I had made a promise this morning that I wouldn’t be sad today at all. So what did I do? I listened to everything (almost) that made me happy yesterday once again. I even found more stuff and listened to the older stuff that was replaced by the new. I was happy to know that my voice was starting to sound right again, and I could actually hold a note while I sang. Oh, that was awesome! I could breathe through my nose and even smelling different things. Earlier, my dad and sister were watching a movie in the living room and somebody made popcorn and I could actually smell it after four days!

It just turned 11:30pm and I’m not tired (yet) and I’ve got my headphones and listening to my “starred” tracks on my Spotify account. At the moment, I’m listening to “Shot In The Dark” by Within Temptation. I can’t stop listening to rock music, can’t I? I’ll probably end it as soon as I’m done here and go to YouTube and watch some Sixx:A.M. videos. It’s a routine I have now. If I don’t hear them before I go to sleep, it’s a wasted night. I must have that last image of Dj Ashba to get me to go to sleep at night. I’m such a weirdo. I read my book before my mom came home from work. I’m really liking this book, and I’m starting to be happy I’m sick because this book has a lot of sad parts in it and I can’t cry when I’m sick. It would end in disaster if I did cry. Anyways, it’s a good book. I can’t wait to do a book review for you us after I’m done, but since I’m at like 28% it’s going to be a while until you get a review. Sorry, well I’m going to go. Goodnight. ❤

New Round Of Friends

I’m a fan of so many things it’s crazy sometimes, however I don’t react the same way like everybody else does. When it comes to like the smaller things that I like, I tend to be a little bit more excited about. The bigger things, it just depends on my mood for that day. About 95% of the time, when it comes to celebrities of any kind. I don’t fangirl a lot. And you can ask some of the Linkin Park fans that I follow, they’ll tell you I rarely go crazy about anything that has to do with celebrities, mostly musicians. When I do go crazy, it’s usually gone within an hour or so. I don’t like to fangirl as much. I think its overrated. People talking about their favorite celebrities is one thing, but going absolutely nuts over them is dumb! I must admit though, when I do let go of my little wall I put up to guard myself from even going too insane, it’s building itself back up.

Now telling you, I have to tell you this. Last night was pretty interesting. Since getting into Sixx:A.M., Motley Crue, and kind of Guns N Roses, I’ve been trying to follow more fans from each band. Luckily, a bunch love all three so I tend to get lucky. My first social network site I started finding a bunch was on Tumblr. Weird part is, my Tumblr likes to be a jerk everytime I try to get on it. It wants to freeze up and I have to exit out that tab and start a new one. Anyways, I like talking to them, and I also love their pictures they either post themselves or reblog, I’ve noticed that I’ve been reblogging lots of just DJ Ashba stuff. Not really complaining since in every picture I’ve blogged he’s drop dead gorgeous! Sorry, but true! Anyways, they’re a lot of fun!

Something I’ve noticed over the past month is that there is a different age pool between these three bands. I think most are my age and up. Which is nice, because being a fan of Linkin Park on Twitter, there’s like four or six of us who are not in our teens anymore and the rest of us are around 15-17 years of age. Not a big gap. With these three bands so far, I’ve met around three teenagers and the rest are my age and probably about their 30s, depending on who will tell their age. They’re an interesting bunch of people and again, like with Tumblr most of my new Twitter friends are Ashba fans. So they tend to be very nutty, and that can go either way. They’re fun to talk to. You definitely won’t regret it that’s for sure!

Top 20 Songs I Can’t Stop Listening To

I haven’t blogged about music, in general for a while. So let’s break that and talk about these amazing songs I have been obsessed with over the past few days. I was thinking of doing a Top 5, but it might turn into a Top 10 instead. I don’t think I’ve listened to that many songs recently, but I could be wrong. For Christmas, I got both Sixx:A.M. “This Is Gonna Hurt” and Nickelback’s “Here And Now” and I’m not going to lie, I’ve had both of them on repeat on my iPod since. So some of the songs from both albums are on this list as well. The rest I found at random, because I get curious when I’m bored and usually around those times I’m liable to listen to anything. So here we go! (These are in random order!)

  1. My Heart Is Broken – Evanescence
  2. The Pride – Five Finger Death Punch
  3. Kiss It Goodbye – Nickelback
  4. Never Again – Kelly Clarkson
  5. Iris – Leona Lewis
  6. Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns N Roses
  7. Drive By – Train
  8. Kickstart My Heart – Motley Crue
  9. Hurt – Leona Lewis
  10. I Want My Tears Back – Nightwish
  11. Look In My Eyes – Rains
  12. Bullet In My Hand – Redlight King
  13. Shout It Out – 10 Years
  14. Gotten – Slash featuring Adam Levine
  15. Everything I Wanna Do – Nickelback
  16. Dr. Feelgood – Motley Crue
  17. Goodbye My Friends – Sixx:A.M.
  18. Ghost River – Nightwish
  19. November Rain – Guns N Roses
  20. Live Forever – Sixx:A.M.