All my life I’ve never been a big fan of myself. I hated what I looked like in a mirror. I hated the fact that I wasn’t like my sister whatsoever. I didn’t have the blonde hair, hazel eyes, all of the muscles she had in her arms and legs. In my disease, not only is it a joint disease where all of my joints are locked in place but I have less muscles than a regular person like me. I’ve always compared myself against my sister. I’ve never really hated her for being the “perfect” one, but I’ve hated myself. Hating yourself is a nightmare. Just this past weekend I remembered all these feelings I had when I hated myself. The feeling of you can’t do this or that and it got to the point where I was so mad at myself I hit the floor with my foot so hard it hurt afterward. Then I remembered not to be so mad because it’s not my fault I can’t lift myself off the floor. The reason why I can’t lift myself is because my back side is too heavy. I have metal in my back. If I hadn’t had the spinal fusion surgery back in 02 I could have died. It’s just a blessing in disguise.
That’s how I see life. Everything is a blessing from God, and life is beautiful with both the highs and lows. We learn from everything we do. Everything we get introduced to is there for a reason. So when I got introduced to the story of Nikki Sixx and started to listen to a lot of Sixx:A.M. I started to think. How can a guy like Nikki think a person like me is beautiful? I’ve been told from family and close friends (including Twitter friends) that I was beautiful, but I’ve never taken them seriously. No offense. At the time I was listening to “Lies Of The Beautiful People” and watching the music video and holding back tears because nobody outside of that comfort zone has ever said that. Even though it wasn’t directed to me, personally. The song and video (mostly his photography) captured me. So I started thinking well if he likes me for who I am, maybe I shouldn’t give up hope on everybody. Everybody tells me I’m inspiration. You want an inspiration? Read about Nikki Sixx.
He’s changed my sense on life. How I choose to see people. How I choose to see myself. I still have my doubts. Everybody does, it never leaves. I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo. I’ve never gotten one before. I want to get “Life Is Beautiful” on the side of my right leg. I’ve always hated my legs. I’m always wearing long-sleeved pants because shorts and I don’t get along. I want to be bold like Nikki and say something meaningful. Life is a beautiful blessing we have. I shouldn’t care about what others think of me. I should be proud of what I got. Having a tattoo of a song that means so much, hell even the band, they mean so much to me. They’ve changed me on how I look at everything. So why shouldn’t I flaunt something like that? I’m not the type of fan who would drive a celebrity crazy constantly, so this is what happened. I let it all out on here. So thank you Nikki Sixx, Dj Ashba, and James Michael. You changed me into thinking everything in life is beautiful just the way it is. My senior quote was “Why be normal when you can be so much more.” I don’t think I’m normal, instead I think I’m beautiful. (: