Life Lately | On My Mind

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Howdy!

I actually made up this post so I had some place to share my new pictures I took earlier this week. I’ve been really enjoying taking pictures of basically everything that isn’t too far away from where I’m sitting. This week alone I’ve went out quite a bit, just sitting on the back porch with our cats. On Monday, I did something I haven’t felt comfortable doing yet and that was upload the pictures by myself, mostly because I felt my toes are too big to handle the small memory card. I like to pick up small things off the floor and people kind of marvel because they have trouble picking up the same things and it tends to look like I’m doing it effortlessly. I’ve been carefully watching my sister do it the last two or three times for me and I knew I had quite a few photos on my card so I figured I’d try this out and I was SO proud because now I don’t have to wait for Blondie to be free to help me upload!

I love sitting out there with them, they don’t seem to mind to be sitting with me. I have to spank both Bootsie and Midget whenever they are mean to the kittens and when Tubby decides to come around the back, the other boys just growl at him like “go away, this is our turf!” and I have to tell everybody to be nice. I’ve managed to get the two shy kitties Ozzy and Nelly to be the most photogenic of the bunch. Ozzy still won’t let me pet him yet. Tazy is another one that I hope will hopefully come around too. They pose very well and have such cute faces!! Wait until you see what I had to do to get a picture of Otis in next week’s post!

What is my life like at the moment?

Eh, kind of boring and a little bit stressed out. I’ve been hiding a few of my emotions at the moment. I’ve been able to be really honest with people, in my family and with close friends too. For the most part it’s been pretty accepted but I’ve also been feeling pretty guilty too. Um, earlier last week one of my cousins on my dad’s side of the family passed away. I only remember meeting him once and even at that time, I was very shy towards him. So when I heard he passed and when my parents went to his funeral I wasn’t as sad as I wish I felt so that has made me feel really bad in the last few days and blogging has been distracting me from feeling like that.

Back on the good part: I’ve been pouring myself trying to get the next couple of weeks scheduled so I can try to get the next couple of weeks drafted and ready. I’ve been thinking of different things, mostly future plans. What I’m going to write about for this month, November, and my end-of-the-year posts and then you got 2016 after that! I have an overactive mind. I have a daily planner but I don’t really use it like I should so right before I went to work on this post. I wrote a few things inside it of what I want to do for next week or the week after. I try to leave room in the week in case I do OOTD posts, but I haven’t done them for a while and I miss them. I’ve been getting extremely organized lately that I’m starting to scare myself a little!

I think I’m done with this post now. Here are my cat pictures for you to enjoy!

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Dear Myself At Age 52

dearmeDear My 52-year-old Self

Writing to myself from the past was a lot easier, because getting started was easy. I’ve got too many questions that I like to be answered, but since there’s not time travel yet, I’m stuck with wondering about what our lives are like down the line. You are 52 years old, that’s a good age to be, I guess! Like I said I’ve got some wonders but also some worries to talk to you about and I hope you understand the reason why I want them answered so much. So let’s get started with them.

Here I am in my early twenties, sitting on my bed, listening to the band Nightwish. Do you remember them? You used to sing their songs all the time. You got into them when the Anette Olzon came on the scene and you were present when Floor Jensen took her place. You’re a fan of their first singer, Tarja. Have you seen any of them in concert? Has the music scene changed much? Has Disco come back in style? Have you gotten out of your comfort zone and sang on stage again? I have had dreams of our old high school doing a special program for any choir students to come back and sing in front of the students and staff after a few years we’ve gradated. Did that ever happen? One of my more important questions, is did you ever find the one? Did you get married and have a family? From the time you hit middle school, you constantly dreamt of your future kid(s) births and what their names will be. Is there a Mason Lee in your little family? Did you ever move out on your own like you’ve always wanted to? If not, how did you meet your husband? Please don’t tell me, I’ve known who I was going to marry my whole life.

The worries in my mind are of things I’m scared of getting through. Since you are in your fifties, is Blondie around you? Keeping in eye on you like she always does? Did she get the life you wanted for her if you didn’t get married? How did our grandparents die? How did you get through nana’s passing? Has anybody haunted you? What, you’ve always been the paranoid one, so I have to ask. Especially since practically everybody in our family knows we hate ghosts and stuff like that! Did Amy, Kristi, and Blondie have kids? Do any of them have disabilities? If so, does anybody have your disease? The most important of question of all, how are mom and dad doing? Did dad take his motorcycle to the nursing home with him? Okay, I have to get off these sad questions before I start crying my eyes out. We both know I hate when I do that. Did you finally take everybody’s advice and wrote your memoir? If you did, that only means you either gave up on blogging or they deleted your site. Did you go back to school or did you just stick with writing? Do people still call you an inspiration at your age? If I told you I was content with my life right now, would you agree? You’ve seen what I’ve conquered and gotten to do, is there something or someone wanting for me out there?

Love always,
Meg(z)han.

Dear Myself At Age 14

dearmeDear My 14-year-old Self,

You’ve either just turned fourteen or you’re about to turn fifteen. You’re either in middle school or just started your first year of high school.I don’t want to give too much of your future away but funny thing is, there’s not much of a difference between those two years other than your grades between those two years were drastically different. Throughout your years in middle school, you struggled in both 6th and 7th grades, but 8th grade was a little better (that is if you can look past your grades in Math and Science!) If you’re a freshman in high school, schoolwork is very easy for you! You liked Pre-Algebra a lot more than any Math classes you’d take down the line. Just trust me with that! Class and grades wise are pretty in the middle of good and bad, and sadly between those times you’re personal life has gotten very chaotic and your mind and trust is just starting to shake like it’s a damn Earthquake.

Between those two years, you are basically “obsessed” with this one guy. This one guy is going to help you gain some self-esteem and totally change the way you think about guys in general. That last year of middle school was hard for you I know. Your whole life was basically destroyed in one night. Let me just say this to you now, what happened that night wasn’t your fault. You wanted to protect the ones you loved and that was the only way you knew how because at that time, you didn’t know how to speak out like you do now. The time of day and the day of that month still haunt you every year but I’m glad to say you’ll grow to forgive the ones that hurt you and the ones you think you’ve hurt. In high school, you’re separated from the ones you’ve gotten to know in your class and got to add some new friends from the upperclassmen, even though they hate the “fresh meat” coming in. Trust me, once you’ve become a junior you’ll understand what I mean. Like I said, freshman year is a very different time for you. That guy you saw at lunch running up those stairs into the high school gym with that red and white shirt. Yeah, he’ll stick with you and your famiy lives for as long as you live.

He won’t be the only one though. You’ll grow to have about five to six crushes your first year of high school. The older boys were your “fresh meat” because as soon as you saw these guys, the ones in your own class looked like rats compared to them. Sorry boys! Your self-esteem will grow but so will your attitude. You will still think you’re a little bad ass, but that’ll never go away. You would be surprised of how many nice people you are around each day. The nice gestures will come to be a good thing later on. The one thing that will affect you will be something that happened in one of your classes. That moment will play out like a sense from a movie in your head for years to come. Who knew a crutch could protect you more than a regular human being. Your sense of protection feels ruined after that day and you were thankful for going to that class after because you became very distracted while being in that class but what happened on that day will be engraved in not only your mind but your family’s mind as well. Get ready for hell in the next couple of years. The lessons that you learn in these two years are: a “D” is still passing; boys will become a distraction but a helpful one, and have a good eye out on everything around you.

I wish I was able to tell you more about what to expect, but I honestly don’t remember much than besides these facts. Oh, well there is this one thing. In your last year in middle school, those previews of the show “Two-A-Days” will mean something to you later down the life. Football becomes a big part of your life. You will never understand the difference between offense and defense, but that’s okay. Those big hot pink signs you’ll in your first year in high school will become a big part of your life as well. Go with your heart when you first see them. Go to that game and think to yourself “I wanna do that” with a smile on your face. There are four members of your high school football team that will mean a lot to you later on in life. One will lead into the rest, but one or two will always be around to chat with you outside of school. You would think to yourself right now as a fourteen year old and say, “Oh, me talking to an older boy? No way!” Way.

Sincerely,
Meg(z)han

Mutant And Proud.

Do you know what it feels like to stand out? Have you got something that is very noticeable or very personal, that nobody knows about? Everytime I watch movies about different characteristics, like the X-Men movies or any other Disney Halloween movie. It makes me feel all weird. When I was younger, I use to think I was the only one that was handicapped. Kind of like Raven “Mystique” played by Jennifer Lawrence said at the beginning of X-Men: First Class when she first met Charles Xavier. We all think we’re alone at first, then we find something or someone is just like us and it’s the most closest thing in the entire world.

“Mutant and proud” is what Mystique kept saying during the beginning. At the beginning of my life, being proud for my physical differences, was not in my deck of cards. I was never bullied, but I could tell nobody understood how everything work with me. Growing up and going to public schools, it could lead to a disaster. I was depressed over my looks, it first happened when I was in middle school, sixth grade and I didn’t gain control over my emotions of my strange beauty until my last year in high school. In school, I was more concerned of being in the popular crowd than feeling confident and being proud of myself instead. It sucked, but I’m glad I’ve learned my lesson at that.

I was just looking at pictures of some of the St. Louis Cardinals players going to Shriner’s Hospital earlier last week. It made me think of my time there and I remember how much time has really gone since then. I miss it a lot. I’ve been asked this question a lot, and it’s “if you could, what year would go back to and do all over again?” My answer was always be 2002, because it was not only the year I went to Shriner’s and had my surgeries, but it was also my last year in Elementary, that was difficult for me, because I had a school there and I had made friends there, but everybody at 10 years old wants to be around people they’re familiar with. Taking people or kids out of something they know for so long and into something new can be very hard to accept.

When I was at Shriner’s, it was very nice to know that the kids around me where about the same as me. Meaning they had physical and/or mental problems with them that they can’t help. The best example I can give is this, it’s putting a bunch of rich kids into a private school and everybody having one common thing about them, they’re rich. We were all at this hospital being treated for our different diseases, but we all had that common thing, we were different. The nurses, doctors, therapists, and families could do things with their bodies and we couldn’t, at least some of us couldn’t. It made us feel loved and kind of showed me that I wasn’t alone. Even though later on in high school, I still felt like I had those moments where I was alone, hell I still have those moments every now and then. I never once felt like I was proud of my own skin in school. Everybody just showed me I was just another person wanting to leave school. I was just passing through. I had fun in different classes, but I felt very alone outside of school.

I started thinking that was the reason why I haven’t been doing any college courses at all. I don’t want to feel alone and be depressed over stupid things. Everybody asks me “why aren’t you in school?” I always tell them it’s not my time. It isn’t my time. I am still learning to love my body and insecurities. I think it’s important to learn those things before anything else. You don’t want other thing inferring with everything else. So back to the reference of X-Men. I am a mutant in my own right. Feeling proud of who I am? Eh, I’m working on it. These things take time. They can’t be rushed.

I’m Happy When…

I am happy when things go right. Tonight I’m going to the football game and it is the official first home game. It’s not a Scrimmage game, it’s going to be scored and timed. Everything counts this time around. So I’m kind of hoping more people come out tonight even though I know not a lot of probably will go since college has probably started up. Nobody wants to drive for a game, well some might but it will always be the guys. If this was two years ago, I would be perfectly fine for just the college boys to come back, but it’s such a waste to even try to talk to them.

I’ve been worried about this all week-long. When I woke up this morning and saw the sky looked like it could rain or storm, I’m not going to lie I was actually happy. I wanted it to do either of these. My sister wouldn’t appreciate it so much since she would have to cheer out in the rain, or at least go to the game and have to sit through the rain. I don’t really know what the cheerleaders do when it rains during a football game. Anyways, I’m expecting the worse of tonight.

Would I be happy if today turns out better than I expect it to be? Oh yes. I’ve had little ideas of taking my iPod with me, but we can’t find my case with the velcro on the back so I won’t have to hold it the whole time. Last night (when I was actually sleeping) I had a dream I was sitting on the track part away from the bleachers and not looking straight forward at my sister making her feel awkward. I was sitting there in a hoodie, crying about how lonely I was just sitting there. There’s nothing anybody can do to help. I haven’t cried about it and doing it at the game doesn’t sound so bad. Anyways, yeah this is what’s been going through my mind all week long. I’m hoping for a relieve.

This Monday Hates Me

I guess I’m just losing my will to do anything. I haven’t read on my Kindle for a month. I haven’t draw anything for at least two weeks now. I’m really sad about it because I was right yet again. Everytime I start anything I never seem to finish it. Lovely. Just what I need right about now. More shit to make my life that much worse. However, I can’t say “worse” but it’s just Monday and tomorrow could be different. But it’s tonight yet either. The Voice is on tonight and I’m going to try to do my first review of the show tonight since it’s the beginning of Battle Rounds. Last year, I got to Semi-Finals and stopped doing my reviews. I can never do anything and finish it. Never. I don’t know what’s my problem. I am so discouraged about it all. It just sucks.

I had to go on another deleting spree again. This time it wasn’t on Twitter. This one was on Facebook and it needed to be done. I’m a little bit pissed off at myself really. Because the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do, I did. I added a few people who I had on my other account to this one. I’ve never been so mad at myself! Somebody should have smacked me upside the head when I did that. That would have been the smartest thing for anyone to do. It save me my emotions and anger from being up and down all the time. Oh well, lesson learned. Be careful of who you trust and go with your gut and ignore the people who say they’re for you when they can’t show their faces to me. I’m so over people.

Battling It Out

As much as I try to keep my head up and say “everything’s going to get better” I still feel myself just collapsing inside. I can’t seem to keep it up for more than a day or so. Which I’m pretty lucky if I can get up to two days, but it’s rare. The more I think, the more it ruins all of my positive thoughts. I’ve thought of different quotes to describe me in the last several days. One is, “Some girls flaunt their bodies, I flaunt my feet. At least mine is practical.” I’ve thought about alot. It’s mean, smart, and clever all at the same time. I hate how girls flaunt their bodies to everybody making every other girl who has issues with their bodies, like myself included feel stupid. I liked the quote at first, but then I started to analyze it more and more and started to find it mean after a couple times saying it to myself. I don’t know.

My other quote is true, but comes across what I’ve found from different things. Since I’ve been listening to Sixx:A.M. I’ve tried to make myself think about me in a positive way. I found out from years before “Lies Of The Beautiful People” was even thought about was that it’s harder than it looks. Its easier said than done. No matter how many people try to tell me I’m beautiful, this little quote will come up. “God knows you’ve seen prettier.” It bugs me how much boldness I have in my brain. Sadly, I’ve wanted to say this out loud to a few people and then yell at them about it. I hate how everybody tries to deny it to me. I see about a hundred girls just one day out of my house. Especially we go to the super market. It pisses me off! Don’t try to deny it!

I can see a few people reading this, and wanting to hit me. In my defense, I watched “Soul Surfer” again and got all bent out of shape over it. I didn’t cry as much, but I still got all mad. When I talk to my friends and they try their best to confort me, family too. It never seems to work. I still feel myself wanting to explode on every person I come into contact with. I fake a smile and get on with it. I hope for tomorrow and a happy ending. I’m just tired of everybody. I could just feel myself fuming from my stomach and for some odd reason it has not went up for years. It seriously sucks. I keep battling it out with all these emotions and people who try to be there for me, but I feel like I’m pushing them away. I really don’t want that.