Life | Mental Heath Update + Things I CAN Control

TW: talks about the dark side of depression and thoughts of suicide!

Hello!

Last year was so crazy that I ended up forgetting writing a two year post depression/mental health update. The only reason why I’m here now is because it’s been on my mind for the last few months. I am a whole month late but I don’t care about that too much, and I didn’t think you would mind either.

A “little” backstory of my struggle with depression.

I’ve had a semi-long history with it, It started in middle school, and just seemed to get worse after I graduated high school. The prospect of going to college and having to deal with different people, surroundings, etc was really exciting at the time, but you have to understand I wasn’t thinking like I had a serve physical disability. I was always in denial because I wanted to be like my friends, go to a regular class, live in a dorm and go to parties, everything that a normal college person does, I wanted it too.

When hell decided to descend into my life, I took it very hard. I was so depressed that I have MONTHS–between the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2012–of memories gone! I thought of suicide many times, and just because I have a disability, doesn’t mean I never thought of ways on how it could work in my favor. When you are that low, you are as determined to end your life but thankfully, I never acted on those feelings, but every time I felt like I was heading into that suffocating black hole, I was terrified because I knew what was going to happen once it took hold of me again.

And then at the end of 2017, after my sister got been married and told everybody that they were going to wait five years to start trying to have a baby, they find out they were pregnant. I was already trying to deal with the aftermath of my papaw dying, and that one pretty much threw me over and I went down the biggest hole I’d been in since September 2010. I struggled to be happy for them becoming parents, my parents becoming grandparents and the fact that I was going to be an aunt, but I thoroughly jealous of the fact that my younger sister was going to have a baby.

I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own.

It was the one thing that I wanted to accomplish most of all.

Nothing else I ever did would matter as much as being a mother. I thought my disability would be pushed down like it had while I was growing up because I would be more focused on my child(ren) than my disability. This also shows you how much I despised my own body that would one day carry my own flesh and blood, so seeing my sister absolutely hate everything about being pregnant would make me want to scream after every visit! It angered me so much that this was happening, and then my nephew was born and I was instantly full of both good and bad emotions. I felt really guilty, but yet I was still holding on to that dream and so, it just continued to drag me down

I was supposed to have a doctor’s appointment to discuss taking anti-depressants into the middle of the pregnancy, my poor mom had to be my rock throughout those nine months because I was so sad. I would cry almost every night and finally, a week after Nolan was home, I started on my long journey to heal. In my first year update, I mentioned that I would still have my ups and downs, and that is definitely true all around but I will say, I have kept quite a few affirmations in my mind at all times and in the past year that has really helped me continue to work on myself.

I focus on what I can control, and I let go of what I can’t.

Once I saw this, everything in the last 11 years just washed away. It was infectious to learn this quote because now I don’t feel as many things that would easily, not to mention that would normally, irritate me because I know I am in control (oddly enough!) of my own body and peace of mind. The only thing I still have issues with, is my guilt about my sister being pregnant with my nephew. I still put myself in a guilt trip every once in a while but I am learning to get out of it before the whole thing just takes over, so that’s something to be proud of I think.

I should probably share that if you haven’t learned to control how you react to the different situations, like talking back, judging a book by its cover, learning that no response is still an answer, you probably won’t be able to really let things settle down. You don’t have to right every time. You respect the other person’s words and you go on living yours by your own measure. These are things you CAN control, which brings us to the next phase of this post.

I have a blog friend by the name of Nicky and she recently posted a photo of herself on Instagram last month and explained how life was going for her at the moment. She was feeling really out of it and discussed about dealing with finding control in daily life and she proceeded to create a list of things she could control, and I liked it so much that I decided I wanted to talk about it too, but in “Got Meghan” fashion, I like to chat and ramble on–obviously! I knew doing a simple Top 10 list wasn’t going to cut it, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone basically and this was the ending result I guess.

  1. How to breathe, because not many people have the luxury to do so
  2. Everything is by choice in life and dreamland
  3. Reaction to both positive and negative situations
  4. The book(s) I want to read next – for the most part!
  5. I can help people understand more about me, the ending result will not always be in my favor, but that’s the price to pay.
  6. If things don’t come to me at the right moment or fit into my monthly blogging schedule, I can always save it for a later date.
  7. Accepting myself, ALL of my self and being in the moment
  8. One-on-one time with the cats – even if they don’t like to share!
  9. What songs to include in my Spotify playlists
  10. Creativity to the arts, especially starting new medias and projects

Before I go, I would like to say that if you can, find someone to talk about your depression, whether it’s through a therapist, family member, best friend, co-worker, basically anyone you feel the most comfort and trust with your feelings but if you are unable to, I highly suggest writing about it. You could create a blog like I did, although deep in my haze I wasn’t in the mood to blog about anything, so maybe find a journal or if you are worried about someone seeing a diary or journal, keep a regular notebook like you would keep for school assignments, and write in there secretly. Of course, the best advice I can give you is the National Hopeline Network is completely free and the number is 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). There is another one I am giving you and that is, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and their number is, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I hope if you are struggling with life, whether you have a disability or not, I want to say, you’re not alone at all. There are ways you can thrive with life again.

My only question is, can you list out 10 things you CAN control like I did above?

August Playlist

Hello!

Well we’re here again. By now, the majority of kids are back in school and they will hope to gain some kind of routine within their day, even if it means wearing a mask while being around their fellow classmates and teachers. I have to say, I’m so happy I am not in school anymore because I remember when I was sick with strep throat and bronchitis’s, they were both brutal for me but missing school and having to do two or four days worth of Algebra homework and on top of that worry about failing finals sucked even worse! I am not the type of person to take online classes either, I have to be in front of a teacher as they are doing the problems; thus why I never made it through one semester as college!

Every year I think about each person going into middle and/or high school. They are each big steps for anyone, but they all had one heck of a schedule to them! I can’t imagine what the 2021 senior classes are thinking right now. After the news of hearing about various of fall sports events being cancelled, I imagine the desperation in every athlete is heightened because their futures are basically up in the air. Whether or not you are in sports, I still give a lot of you kudos for keeping your head up and continuing to fight your butts off during this time. I have faith in every one of you that you will make it through. Stay strong and don’t let this pandemic destroy your determination, okay?

It feels a little odd to be giving a pep talk in a monthly playlist, but this is where we are now I guess!

Let’s talk about music now though.

For August, I really wanted to allow myself to listen to anything and everything. The summer music series I started back in May is ending next Monday, so I am trying to figure out what the heck I’m going to discuss as far as music on here for the rest of the year. Thankfully, I am back to my two week blog schedule, so I will only have to worry about six posts–unless I get asked to review an album or EP in the near future then I will bring on another week to help make it special. I have been inspired to play with various music from other countries, like Arab, French, Italian, etc, so I’ve enjoyed exploring outside of my comfort zones!

I am going to list my Top 25 songs for this month, because you know I can’t half-ass it, especially a good month for music anyways! If you would love to check out the rest of the songs included in the playlist, please click here now.

Building A Mystery by Sarah McLachlan
You Will Become by Glen Hansard
Pisces by Jinjer
Oops!… I Did It Again by The Animal In Me
Lie by Sasha Sloan
Excuse Me by Fire From The Gods
Strong by Amaranthe featuring Noora Louhimo
Parasite Eve by Bring Me The Horizon
Use My Voice by Evanescence
Levitating by Dua Lipa featuring Madonna & Missy Elliott
Black Velvet Sun by My Indigo
Dark Love Empress by Leaves’ Eyes
See You In Hell by Ad Infinitum
Inferno by Abir
Who’s Laughing Now by Ava Max
O Fortuna – Epic Trailer Version by Hidden Citizens
Control by Zoe Wees
Candy by Serena Ryder
Woman by Ellie Goulding
Slow Motion by Charlotte Lawrence
Face Down by Halocene featuring Lauren Babic
Catalina by Rosalia
A Little More by Alessia Cara
No Rest For The Wicked by Lykke Li
Strangers by Halsey featuring Lauren Jauregui

Earlier this month, I made this playlist that I ultimately titled it “Maud” but not because it contains old timey music, it’s because I’ve become obsessed with the name itself. Everytime I think of the name, this hue erupts within me. A combination of gray and purple; it’s very light but edgy at the same time. I’ve been in love with it for the past five months and since the two of them make me happy, the collection of songs included are a mixture of pick-me-ups and gorgeous ballads. I previously mentioned that I have been allowing myself all kinds of music lately and something very beautiful has come out of it but in a form of a list of songs. I guess you could say it’s like my alter ego.

I swear I’m not high whenever I listen to music, actually I’ve never been high but I feel the more I try to explain, I look and probably sound more like someone who enjoys weed but nope. I’m just weird I guess! I love when music is airy and simple, I always have, but this is definitely doing something absolutely different for me. I have always wanted to create the “perfect” playlist for decades and I’ve had great attempts in the past, but this one instantly awakens me mentally, physically, spiritually. I’m forever glad that I let myself dive deeper in the hole because I’ve never been happier.

Have you been successful at creating–in your mind–the perfect playlist before? What have you been listening to this month?

snowflake

Book Review: I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai & Patricia McCormick

Howdy!

I think three days after I finished writing my reveiw on “Throne Of Glass” by Sarah J. Maas, I went exploring on Amazon’s free ebooks. After about a hour later of scrolling through the many pages, I found two books: I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai with Patricia McCormick and Explicit by Roxy Sloane. A little mix of biographical and erotica; two of my favorite subjects! Although I was more excited about this book compared to the other, but once I finished Malala’s book, I was able to shifted my direction to Roxy’s and I finally found balance again.

The book isn’t as different as I originally thought it would be. If you’re familiar with her first book, which came out almost immediately after she and her family came to the United Kingdom in 2012. At the time of this release, she had only written two books. This is the young reader’s edition and it has another author aiding her to continue spreading her story around the world. I have no idea if she has written any more books recently, so I apologize for that bit of information.


52670864._SY475_I Am Malala is the memoir of a remarkable teenage girl who risked her life for the right to go to school. Raised in a changing Pakistan by an enlightened father from a poor background and a beautiful, illiterate mother from a political family, Malala was taught to stand up for what she believes.

I Am Malala tells her story of bravery and determination in the face of extremism, detailing the daily challenges of growing up in a world transformed by terror. Written for her peers with critically acclaimed author Patricia McCormick, this important book is about the value of speaking out against intolerance and hate. Its a message of hope from one girl who dreams of education for every girl in every country.

taken from Goodreads


Since I finished reading “Women Of Scotland” in mid-March, I have been craving nothing but more stories of women all over the world, and I’m not only reading about them, I have been watching various documentaries about women’s lives. I want to try to imagine their hardships but their favorite things as well.

When I saw it on the feed, I was so excited, I literally shouted “YES!” after I clicked check out or whatever. I started on it rather quickly, but I only knew about 1% of Malala’s life. She was the Pakistani girl who was fighting for little girls and women like her to go to school. That’s it. I remember hearing about her on the news but that’s all I was able to hear and/or see about her and honestly, I feel pretty embarrassed that is all I knew up until I started reading this book.

I never imagined her life revolving around her family, her father especially, who is mentioned almost as much as Malala. She really holds him responsible for the drive to campaign against their own country, Pakistan, to allow their mothers, sisters, aunts, and wives go to school and educate themselves more on various subjects. They became targets of the Taliban, as they were the ones saying that women should be taking care of their families and living their lives more in an Islamic way. Wives and mothers should wear burkas, which are black clothes around their bodies from head to toe, to cover everything from the public. And little girls shouldn’t go to school, because once they hit the age of 12, they will be married to someone who could be ten times older than them and she would lose every part of her and have to care for the offspring of the match.

I have known about child marriages for a long, long time. As someone who is obsessed with learning about the 14th onward to 17th century, child marriages were common place in every sort of life. It didn’t matter if you were poor or rich, if you wanted to make ties bind or stronger, or else want money, daughters in ages of two towards eighteen were basically sold over to that person or family.

What gets me is that it is still taking place, I mean there are “arranged marriages” but nobody until the age of 13 needs to leave their family, school, etc to become someone’s wife and produce children at this point in their lives. My position on this subject isn’t just directed towards the women, you have to think if this is happening to young girls, there’s a chance that there young “men” who could be pulled into this lifestyle as well. Everyone is involved when it comes to money and possessions.

Anyways, back to the book. I find Malala to be a very lucky girl. She has survived at being shot at on a crowded bus, because she was speaking up for not only herself but her friends and the many generations of girls in the future who desperately want to attend school and learn more about the world around them and how they matter in a world at the moment. I think she is lucky that her family is as strong and courageous as she is, they want to fight with her and learn more about themselves too.

I highly recommend you buy this edition or her first book and really get yourself comfortable because it is a bumpy ride but I am so glad I found it and enjoyed expanding my knowledge about her culture a little bit more. I also love Malala for being so brave in her life so far. I hope she continues doing her thing for years to come.

Have you read “I Am Malala” or any other editions yet? What was the biggest thing you learned in her story?

snowflake

Book Review: “Wonder” by R.J. Palacio

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Howdy!

In February, I read only three books.

Ride Me Dirty by Vanessa ValeJane Doe by Victoria Helen Stone and Wonder by R.J. Palacio

My tastes in books at the moment has been very interesting, I’m not really sticking to one genre but then again if you know anything about me, you’ll know this is completely normal because I can be completely at peace when my music is on shuffle. I figure going this route will help me stay motivated to read more and maybe keep it entertaining and so far so good!

This book was my final “disability” read on my list and I’m glad I read it, but I am somewhat surprised by the fact that I gave it a four star rating on Goodreads. I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was really good, but I just didn’t think it deserved five stars.

Hmmm…


13510287“I won’t describe what I look like. Whatever you’re thinking, it’s probably worse.”

August Pullman was born with a facial difference that, up until now, has prevented him from going to a mainstream school. Starting 5th grade at Beecher Prep, he wants nothing more than to be treated as an ordinary kid—but his new classmates can’t get past Auggie’s extraordinary face.

WONDER, now a #1 New York Times bestseller and included on the Texas Bluebonnet Award master list, begins from Auggie’s point of view, but soon switches to include his classmates, his sister, her boyfriend, and others. These perspectives converge in a portrait of one community’s struggle with empathy, compassion, and acceptance.

taken from Goodreads.

The story of August “Auggie” Pullman was beautiful! I loved his attitude and surprisingly his hobbies like Star Wars. Although, I have to say, I don’t know anything about that fandom. Honestly, I am more into the “newer” Star Trek world of Captian Kirk and Spock. Anyways, I loved that there was still a silver of a young child in him, but as you continue reading the book, you also discover there’s a mature side wanting to come out too.

It was a bit difficult to see him as a middle schooler, because where I’m from, when you become a fifth grader, you’re still in elementary so I had to get it into my brain to not create this avatar character younger than he is in the book. Another part of this process was when the term “dating” come up and oh my gosh, I had so many flashbacks going on, it was nuts! I fully agreed with Summer’s mother, fifth graders are too young to start dating or anything else in that realm.

We talk about Auggie’s life in his perspective first, but then we come to a stop and there are a few parts for some of the close characters that August is surrounded by and I feel like these were my favorites because of course, everybody is going to have another perspective of a certain person, but you never get to really know what they are thinking about them in real life. So, the fact that we see Via, Jack Will, Justin’s telling us their thought process made it more interesting for me. It actually brought me back to the time when I first met my friend Haley in kindergarten, because for me this was the first time I was around a group of kids all day long, so they were allowed to get to know me but the only person I remember who had a good experience was Haley. She thought I was the coolest thing in the world and I still appreciate everything she ever did for me back then.

One of the other things that is discussed is these precepts in Mr. Browne’s English class. I thought it was only right to end this post with one of my own. Actually, this is a quote that I used for my senior year in high school to go underneath our pictures in the yearbook. It was:

Why be different when you can be so much more?

At this point in my life, I wasn’t comfortable with my body, disability at all. So, I still don’t fully understand why I would come up with such a thing. I came up with it on the spot too! It was crazy, but the real question is now that 10 years have passed, do I believe it? In a way, yes I do. I am different, but I am more than my disability. I am a woman, who thinks for herself and enjoys things like any other person. I am just me. I think Auggie could believe it too. He is more than what is going on with his face. He is more than what other people may think of him. He is just himself.

I think I might’ve figured out why I gave it four stars. At the end of the book, Auggie does understand that he is just an ordinary guy and is perfectly fine with it. He is also looked upon others as an inspiration. He did do an extraordinary thing and even though he was happy about it, as the reader I didn’t much care for the ending of the story. It was exactly like it was supposed to be, a happy ending with a greater reason behind it. I expected it to happen and I’m sure others did too, but because of that, I was immediately offended. So, I left out a star and I know, people will say something about it, but this is what I feel and what entered me emotionally while I was reading it.

How you read the book “Wonder” yet? What were your thoughts on it? Let me know below! 

snowflake

Book Review: “Ride Me Dirty” by Vanessa Vale

Howdy!

I bet you didn’t think you would get two reviews in one week, huh?

For today, we stray away from the disability/contemporary type of books for a bit and go straight for the 18+/erotica novels! If this isn’t your cup of tea then you can skip it.

I found this book in December. It was part of my “free” purchase spree I took part in and out of the five that I thought would be interesting, this was the only romance book to survive. If you are a lover of erotica books like me, you might have a favorite theme. Some people like outlaw types, billionaires, rock stars (like moi!) or Doms. This one talks about cowboys.

No horses were harmed creating this blog post. 😉


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They’re going to claim her. Together.

She just doesn’t know it yet.

Catherine’s life is in New York. The property she’s inherited is in Bridgewater, Montana. Going back to the town she visited every summer as a child stirs up long forgotten memories and a girlhood crush, on not one teen-turned-hot-cowboy, but two. Cousins Jack and Sam Kane. Fortunately for her, in Bridgewater, one cowboy’s never enough.

In this contemporary version of Vanessa Vale’s USA Today bestselling, Bridgewater Ménage series, Catherine is forced to choose the life she really wants: the big-city lawyer or the small town cowgirl with two men who want to take her for a very dirty ride.

taken from Goodreads.

I live in a city that is surrounded by corn, soy beans, and wheat farmers. I also have family members who enjoy watching Westerns on a weekly basis.  So, I’ve never really enjoyed stories focused on cowboys and/or farmers.

Despite all of that above, I still read and quite enjoyed myself!

I don’t think it was the country lifestyle that turned me on (no pun intended) to be honest with you, I think it was the fact that there were two men involved here. Sam and Jack Kane.

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I was pretty jealous of Catherine by the time I ended it.

                                                             ————————————-

It starts innocently enough with a young woman, a lawyer fighting to climb the ranks at her firm, has to go to Bridgewater, Montana to asset her uncles property. On her flight there, a very fine gentleman sat next to her and fantasies start forming in both of their minds about what they wanted to do to each other. When they arrive, Catherine and Jack part but they don’t go far. Catherine has been there before when she was younger, but she is taken aback after finding out a very common practice among everyone in town.

The majority of the women are married to two men!

At first, you’d think this is an awful thing to do, because let’s face it, men can be very disgusting at times! However, the main reason why people do it is so someone is there for the other person. The real term is polyamory, “a lifestyle to being open to the possibility of people having more than one loving, intimidate relationship at a time, with a full knowledge and consent by all partners involved.” I knew of it before I started reading the book, but never considered it until I finished but it is a glorious idea, but I don’t know if I’m only agreeing with it because of my love of Sam and Jack.

There were things I liked about it–obviously–but there were a couple of misspellings that I caught every once in a while. And considering I am awful about spelling words wrong all the time, sometimes I do not notice them right away! However, I have become Grammar police when I do spot some mistakes throughout a story. If it happened in every chapter, I wouldn’t be here saying all of this great stuff about it. I would have deleted it right away, because I hate seeing them all over the place! Thankfully, they were only in two spots. Overall, the story was great and the sex scenes were AHH-mazing too!

Have you read anything by Vanessa Vale? If you read this book, what were your thoughts about it? Did you enjoy it too?

snowflake