February has always been that one month that you dread, but as a kid in school, I have to say I enjoyed it because back then we didn’t have any of this dating crap. We had couples that “went out” for a couple of weeks (or days) but there was no pressure to being in a relationship.
I remember every time we had to make Valentine’s Day cards. I’d make ones for my friends but I also made a couple of extras for the boys I had crushes on too. What still gets me though is that half the time, I’d have somebody else give them the cards because I couldn’t do it myself. I still have the memories of the fourth grade passing out my Mickey and Minnie Mouse cards with the cherry suckers taped on the sides and whispering to a friend to pass it to so and so. Everybody knew it was from me though, between the red face that matched the color of the lollipops completely and well, nobody had footwriting like moi!
I can say I had a lot of childhood crushes. Every person will agree with me though, it doesn’t matter how many people you chase after, nobody will ever compare to your first love.
My first crush… I still look back on the memories of those days where he was very caring and how he could make me smile on a whim. We never dated. I just loved from afar, if you want to call it that. I’m pretty sure he knew I had feelings for him, because everybody else did, including his own family!
When we were in middle school, we had Winter Ball, a formal dance that all of the middle schoolers could attend. If you went to the dance, you could get your pictures taken by a real photographer. In the previous years, I was in a lot of group photos and this time because I knew it would be our last dance before prom, so I wanted to ask my crush to be in the picture with me and if I remember correctly I actually went up and asked him if he would. I had to go and find him in the massive crowds (the fact I never ran over my dresses was a damn miracle – can’t say anything for Junior year though!) but I did find him and we waited in line and I felt horrible about taking him away from all the fun he was having with his buddies and date. Well, that second part is a bit of a lie.
We got our picture taken and within a week later, our photos were delivered to our homeroom classes and I remember being very happy that I got this picture back. Everybody in my family was also ecstatic! My nana still has a copy of it and mine is on top of a bookshelf in my room as we speak! As for him, I remember him telling me that for a number of months his mom had it taped to the fridge and to think this poor boy wanted to continue to be friends with me after that!
I’m not bitter that he’s now married, I can’t say I’ve never been bitter whenever he’d get a new girlfriend in school. I do remember feeling really un-beautiful though, but that is normal behavior for teenagers. I say “is” because it is normal. I have realized that there was nothing wrong with me, he just wanted to be friends with me. That’s all my old crushes ever wanted to be with me, but because I knew I was failing at ever having the whole “high school sweetheart” it pretty much destroyed me in a number of ways.
When I found out he was married though, I was shocked at first, but I was also happy for him. I did borrow my mom’s shoulder that night because I just needed that reassuring I was still enough. I would have used my dad, but he doesn’t necessarily like it when his girls cry, especially over boys because all that ever makes want to do is get even so I didn’t lean on him that night.
When your first love gets married before you, at first you feel like you’re going to need a couple of glasses of wine, pint of ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. My advice for you is to one of these things, if not all of them. I think a good cry is okay, but being down on yourself about the past thinking of if you hadn’t done this or that, if you were prettier in school he would belong to you. You can’t think like that, because you can’t change the past. All you can and most importantly have to do is move on.
I would say you need to watch the best movie for this type of situation: Legally Blonde.
Ms. Elle Woods went out of her way to get into Harvard Law School. She wanted to prove to her newly ex-boyfriend that she could be wifey material despite her ditzy personality. She worked hard to become a student at Harvard and became a perfect student, suffering the wrath of his new fiancée, and yet at the end of everything when she won her case and he saw how much of a badass she really was; she realized that he was nothing to her! So she not only found a new calling in life but she also found her true love there too!
It’s so interesting how cliche the whole ending turned out, but yet it was honest. You never know where your soulmate will find you. You might be acquaintances from school or work, but you could also be complete strangers. You never know where you’ll find that person. I like to think I’m Elle in a way, I’ll find somebody one day that accepts me in all my flaws. He’ll understand my life a disabled woman and he’ll hopefully support my blog. He might even start his own blog or write a book about taking care of me and our little family in the future. Until then, I will relish in the single life one day at a time.
Tell me some of your favorite (or not so favorite) childhood Valentine’s Day memories!