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“I’m Gonna Dream About Those Shoes” – Ali Rose (Burlesque)

It’s official! I’m in love! This is the kind of picture of why I will always wish I could walk and dance. It’s not the fact it’s a high heel. It’s the fact its a PURPLE high heel. I am stunned. I will dream about these shoes tonight and it will be the best dream I will ever have in a long time. They are so cute. I want these so bad. If I could I’d put them on my dresser in a glass case and just dream of a chance to walk or dance in them.

Does Happiness Exist?

My moods swing from one way to another. Men say its hormones and whenever they say that out loud, women’s hormones come out swinging. I feel sad in the afternoon because I know the sun is going down and the night will come, but everytime I don’t see the sun. I get sad. When the sun makes its appearance I’m happy and I want other people to feel the same way I do. So I try to do different things to make others happy.

Lately though, I’ve been thinking of how people like me don’t really exist anymore. I try to stay out of things but if someone puts me in a situation I try my hardest not to get mad at the person but sometimes I can’t control myself the way I should. I don’t like pushing people away, which is what I did this time last year, I was ready to be on my own. I never got that chance because it wasn’t my time to do it yet. Back to pushing people away, not everyone can agree with you with your actions, because you’re not suppose to make everyone like you, but I feel lately that people are pushing others away.

Surprisingly, ever since I watched Source Code yesterday, I’ve learned that nobody gets 8 minutes to go back and change something that’s already done. Life is short and when more people choose to push everyone away, nobody bothers to care that somebody don’t want to loose everyone that they’ve grown up with. They say, “friends forever.” I think in my head, “Really? Because since I’ve graduated, I’ve probably had 4 people still there to talk to me and only 1 to hang out with me.” I had about my whole class friends with me, but I guess that was a lie. I wasn’t happy with them anyways.

I haven’t been really too much in their lives anymore. They’ve pushed my away because of their futures. That’s fine with them, because I know of all the fun times we had and they’ll only be a memory. Twitter has given me more friends to replace everyone who gave me up. Friends can fade away, one thing that shouldn’t fade away is family. I have two sides, maybe I should thankful that I don’t have four like some of my friends do. My family is a crazy bunch, one side I haven’t seen over several years. The other is dividing. I hate it but I can’t do anything about it. It’s one of those times where I wish I was 16 and go back to when everybody liked everyone and there were smiles and laughter. I won’t get it back. It’s all but a memory I wish never fades away like everything else does. So with that being said, does happiness exist? Can it stay for more than in reality but in our hearts as well?

What Is Considered Beautiful?

I’ve literally had this post locked away in my head for about a month now. I have tried to get the words to start it off but couldn’t find the words to do that at the time, but now I think I can. So bare with me. This is going to be something that to me, needs to be asked and answered. So enjoy!

Growing up my family has always called me beautiful. I tell everyone now, that I was a cute baby, and I don’t have a clue what happened afterwards. I have insecurities. Too many to name really. Everybody is the same with it. We all have different reasons why we don’t like our bodies and looks. At one time, some of us are wanting plastic surgeries just to satisfy our needs.

We’re all beautiful in our own way. It’s taken me a long time to figure that out. It’s taken me a long time to find out, “Hey I’m beautiful too!” We go around saying that out loud I think people will think we’re crazy too, but if nobody is willing to listen. Make them listen. Show them that you are beautiful. Don’t change your looks or personality just to impress people. That always end badly. Trust me on that.

The reason why I have a Playboy logo as the picture is because I think Playboy is the #1 reason why women are so insecure about their bodies because we see the “pretty girls” and only them on the cover and center folds on this magazine. Not trying to be rude, but when other women see men look at these magazines. You know they want to feel that beautiful. Impress all the men out there. Turn them on and show what they got and not be ashamed of it.

Playboy only uses pretty girls in the magazines. Does that seem fair for the rest of us? No. Do they care? Hell no. What is considered beautiful? That’s a question I would love to ask Hugh Hefner myself. Does he think a handicapped woman, with surgery scars, deformed feet, locked arms is beautiful? Does he think that big girls are beautiful? Does he think girls who have to look everywhere just for a pair of jeans is beautiful? Does he think a women who don’t have any arms or legs and uses a wheelchair is beautiful? Just some simple questions. Lots of people, people like me would love to be the reason to say “we’re beautiful too, why can’t we be on the cover and center folds of Playboy? Hustler?” What is considered beautiful? What is your answer to that?

August 2nd

I am not looking forward to the first week of August especially the second day. That whole month is such a depressing month for me. The month I was so excited for last year is the most depressing month for me now.  I can’t get myself out of the depression spell. Since this month is almost over I’m even sadder. Right now, I am just waiting for the regret to come find me and settle into my heart. I’m surprised I found it there yet. Even though October was the month I quit, August is the month that started the three month straight depression. It was lovely. NOT.

The second day of August isn’t going to be much better. Seems like I’ve tried to forget about it. 7 months in the making of trying to forget. Hasn’t worked yet. I never knew how hard it was to see something you’ve wanted for so long push you so far. I can feel tears forming inside of my eyes, but I can’t cry because everybody would say “life goes on” and “if she wanted to stay, she could have.” Well those words don’t help my heart. They defintely don’t stop a depression spell that’s for sure. I can’t take people saying those words without knowing the hurt inside of me as they say it.

I just wish there was a way to skip the month of August that way I wouldn’t have to deal with eveything. If it turns out to be a good month I’ll be surprised, but it won’t. Somebody will probably kill me inside once they find out why I’m so sad about it. People just need to leave it alone and keep their mean thoughts to themselves. I guess my only good day was yesterday. The only pain I had yesterday was physical. Today, like the weekend is just emotional pain. Welcome to the life of me.