Have A Look At Me Now

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Last night was just weird on every level.

I was contacted by a guy two days ago. It was innocent and fun. I had remembered him from school. He added me on Facebook and after I added him, like two seconds later he was on chat talking to me. At this time, I knew his name, it sounded familiar and when I finally looked at his pictures I started to remember more and more about him. We had probably talked about 15 times throughout Elementary to middle school. After that, I hardly ever saw him and I didn’t understand why because I remember a LOT of people now. Anyways, we started talking and it was nice, but it was a bit weird for me because I haven’t talked to a guy like I was with him in basically forever. I still felt like I was in high school, just on the subjects we were talking about and then I kept getting more and more uncomfortable that I ended up just saying things like, “let’s change the subject” and then whenever that didn’t work and he would test me out some more, I just let loose and told him off. He seemed to understand and after I left, we were fine.

Well, I went on Facebook yesterday evening and I still had my chat box turned off. He sent me a message that just kind of blew my mind in a way that I wasn’t expecting by any means. I’m still trying to figure out how he could have seen it. I “bought” a free book last night and I guess the promotion I saw the box on and “liked” went on his and everybody else’s timeline. So when he sent me a message on chat, basically calling me out on the book because it had a very sexy cover on it. I was very embarrassed, which hasn’t happened in years. I was furious on how I was feeling, because nobody has EVER called me out on what I read. So while I was fuming with mixed emotions and I told him on a message to not make a big deal out of it and he apologized but that’s all he wanted to talk about again. So then I got fed up and I think he was starting to figure out that wasn’t the smartest thing to do and the conversation ended. Thankfully, I spent the rest of my night listening to Nickelback, Hinder, and talking to my friend Georgina. She’s becoming like my Twitter bestie and we’re like twins from two different continents. It was nice to have a good girl chat with a friend and I tried to help her out with her boy problems as well, but I don’t think I really helped. I usually feel that way as I have never been around guys enough to really “study” them. I hope things get a little bit easier for her though.

Afterwards, my mom came in to spend the last part of her night with me and I told her everything and she agreed with me about how I shouldn’t feel embarrassed about what I liked. It is what I’m interested in and nobody has the right to make me feel guilty about it, mostly guys. I told Georgina that I definitely wasn’t going to be sending him my blog link because that’s the last thing that I needed to do honestly. The only thing that REALLY irritated me was the thought of do people who I went to school with at any point of time still think of me as a little girl? I mean, certain members of my family still think that way and I’ve gotten to the point were I just don’t care anymore. As far as old friends though, how do they see as? I know it shouldn’t matter to me what they think, but I think there’s a lot of things about me that has changed. I think I’m far more independent than I used to be. I’m not as shy anymore. I’m even to the point were I’m very bold with my statements and I really don’t take anybody’s shit. I’m not looking for guys as a boyfriend like I used to in high school, I’m looking for a real and deep connection. I think about marriage and kids. I am very aware of my own skin now, I think of myself as a beautiful creature and even have accepted my wheelchair too. That’s a big thing for me as when I was in school, I didn’t think that would actually happen. I’m not a little girl anymore. So why can’t people start treating me like one?

When You Can’t Help Someone

Earlier this week I messaged a sweet girl. This girl is one of my best friends, I’ve even kind of adopted her in a way. We call each other sisters. She’s from overseas and has been through a lot for her age. I’ve gotten a lot of friends from Twitter, lots of them I’m considered family. They are my second family. We all agrue and fight like we our a family. Anytime though they are going through things in their life that isn’t good makes me very sad. I can’t help them in a way like everybody else can. Since most of them are from overseas, and most don’t have Skype helping them is limited.

My friend Taby said that talking is enough to help her. Yet I can’t help but wonder if that’s really true. I want to do more for my friends. I’ve been tempted to make my own Skype account and talk to them through that for the ones who do have Skype. I’m always wanting to help them. Because even though I’m handicapped and older than most of them. I’ve kind of been through more things for some of them. The rest has been through more than me. Which actually worries me since most of those are really, really young. Life isn’t fair sometimes and I wish I could do more for my friends than besides talk to them.