You Have To Be Mental To Accept Metal

Last night I watched something different from I’m use to. I watched a documentary on the music genre: Metal. It was called, Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey, and it was really good. I didn’t get to watch the beginning of it because I didn’t know it was on and if I had known I probably wouldn’t watch it if it was on the same time as my other shows, but the parts I did get to watch was pretty interesting. I’m a new Metal fan. I can listen to several bands, not all because some actually freak me out. Such as Slipknot. I can’t listen to them, but I do like Corey Taylor in Stone Sour, but I think it’s the masks that really freak me out. But what is interesting is that I like Hollywood Undead. They wear masks too, so what’s the difference right? I think I might know to explain this.

When I was younger, my friend Haley and I were always together, but one thing that kept us separate at times was our music choices. She liked the hardcore heavy metal bands. Even going into middle school, you could really tell our music tastes were different. She was into horror movies, goth clothing, and Slipknot. I liked the clothing, well some of it. I have an old fashioned mind. So I didn’t like odd things like that back then. Everything else freaked me out. It wasn’t until we both got into Avril Lavigne that I could see myself change. I started listening to Good Charlotte, Simple Plan and Evanescence around this time. This was around 2003-04. The people she hung around with were people my parents wouldn’t like in the future. Some they liked and the rest were just screwed from the get go. My judgement wasn’t always the best either unfortunately. However, over the years I have been getting better at keeping those thoughts away.

Since then, my music tastes have gotten bigger. I listen to everything, pretty much. The first rock I got into after a few years of staying away from it. I listened to a lot of Screamo. Like, Brokencyde, Drowning Pool, and Hollywood Undead. Around 2009, I got into Drowning Pool’s song, Bodies I was hooked to that song. The screams were amazing! Before long I wanted more music that sounded just like that. Then entered Linkin Park and that took over my musical tastes for one hell of a ride. They may not be at the top of my list right now, but they’re still there. I’ve been into more metal bands, one especially is Five Finger Death Punch. I got into them a little after I got into Linkin Park, my sister’s boyfriend at the time liked both bands and he was my bud so I respected his judgement on music so I listened to them and haven’t looked back since. After accepting FFDP, I started getting interested in other bands that if I listened to them earlier I would have looked the other way. I love Symphonic Rock music, Within Temptation, Evanescence, Nightwish, Xandria, and Lacuna Coil. I love these bands, and the women who sing these songs are excellent at what they do!

So after watching the documentary, I think I try to understand what these other heavy metal bands and when I do I try not to judge but I always have somebody doing that for me. It’s payback for things I’ve said about their music tastes, especially if it’s my parents doing the judging. I haven’t been the biggest supporter of their music back then. My mom was lucky she got me into Prince when she did because everything else that had to deal with rock was shit of luck with me back then. Now that I have this wide range of music flowing around me, I can listen to music I necessary hated back then. My mom has actually supported me with it, dad is another story. He has tried to get me to listen to music from the 80’s a long time ago, but since they judged everything I would listen to back then I thought I had every right to judge their’s. It sucks now that I have grinned everytime he makes of what I listen to now. I can listen to Motley Crue and some Guns N Roses now, but I think that’s as far as I’ll go. Mom’s tried Metallica on me, and it didn’t work. Apparently I have to open and ready for it. I was ready to accept Motley, because I was curious after listening to Sixx:A.M. I will always be surprised in what I will actually listen to.

My Love/Hate Relationship With Art

In grade school my favorite class wasn’t lunch or recess, instead it was Art. My friend Ashlyn gave me a suggestion on my Twitter earlier. She gets very creative with these ideas, they’re definitely making me think. Today she told me to talk about my favorite thing to do as a kid and now and then compare each of them. Art, either it was drawing or painting I always loved it. Not necessary doing it myself, but I loved everybody’s else pictures. When I was in school besides writing, drawing was my second gift God blessed me with. Everybody was always amazed with me whenever I’d do both, but drawing was everybody’s favorite I think. My Art teacher in Elementary was Mrs. Hays. She was my favorite teacher out of like seven teachers I had. She always encouraged me on my artwork. She made me feel better after everybody watching me all the time while we worked on our projects.

When I got into middle school, we got into the 3-D type of projects. I noticed after my first attempt of making a cat in clay and it ended up looking like the Great Sphinx of Giza in Egypt. Except mine wasn’t suppose to end up like that and ironically enough the nose actually fell off when our teacher Mr. Ross welded them. We still have it somewhere, I actually hate it but everybody seems to still love it. It made realize that the 3-D projects were not for me. And I didn’t just do that one to make me realize it either. I made a box and cup and both of those were made by my aide. During my Junior year, I tried painting after five years of not painting at all. I did the ingredients of Salsa. We finally have those up after three years. I didn’t think I did well with those either so I never continued with painting.

Drawing, doodling for me is fun. It’s always been interesting what I’ll find and want to draw. When Senior year came I didn’t have art until second semester and I was worried that I’d never be able to have it then either with my ISTEP classes I had to have and others as well. When second semester came, I had ideas of what I wanted to draw and already had the pictures picked out. I was prepared. The only thing I was worried about was my teacher’s approval of the pictures. I had six guys I wanted to draw and only one picture out of the six was the original picture I picked out at first. Everybody’s would go back and forth. I got six portraits done in four months. Three of them were started a day after the other. My fourth was my shortest time, I did that one for three days. The longest amount of time was my last portrait and it took me two weeks. After I finished those drawings, I could have just stopped right there, but we had to have 9 to 11 projects.

Now I know you’re thinking, I only did six drawings, but however I did put two medias in one drawing. So it shortened my projects down a bit. When May came, my teacher didn’t want me to not do anything in his class so I had to find something else to draw. So I started searching for my best and favorite feature on a person: Eyes. I love eyes! With or without make up. I found hundreds of pictures but chose this picture of baby blue eyes. I already went into about this drawing a month ago, so I’m not going to talk about it again. After graduation, I vowed I was done was art. After years of people watching me and admiring my artwork I just stopped. I didn’t see the point of going on. The reason why is because when I was in class, even though everybody was admiring my artwork I was admiring their’s. I loved watching everybody else draw. It was more like envy, because they hated everytime I’d watch them. Thankfully, they never said anything about it, but I know the feeling of being watched and it sucks. Especially when you’re doing average things like writing and drawing.

So going back to Ashlyn’s topic. I have not gotten back into drawing. After two years, I’d like to start drawing again but I liked the fact that when I was in the class I had the teacher there to watch me and help me if I needed it. Which was often. I don’t think I can do it now. I already have pictures lined up in my head of who I want to draw. Everytime I look at different photography of people, I think “oh, that would be cool as a drawing.” Since I have a history of drawing celebrities like, my first was Justin Timberlake (Junior year) and Linkin Park (Senior year) they’re the first thing I want to do. I’ve been thinking of trying to go small, but that never happens in my case. There is one picture I’d just like to try to it’s a picture of James Michael. The lead singer of Sixx:A.M. I saw this picture and I literally went “I want to draw this” and then I start to get worried. Because all my doubts start flooding me and making me think twice about doing it on my own. This is what the picture looks like, it looks too detailed for me and my other drawings didn’t have that much detailed on them. See, all my doubts are coming in and making me think twice about it.

Too Many Shirts For Me To Handle

My head is just spinning! I’ve been looking ahead to our shopping trip tomorrow, I went on Vanity, Charlotte Russe, JCPenney, Pink, and Express yesterday was successful at finding different shirts. I never seem to look for pants online. It’s strange really, but then I know why because I don’t normally wear jeans anymore and most stores don’t sell my kind of pants. Even though, Pink has yoga pants so those actually work with me. The other pants are usually too long in the length for my legs, which sometimes we can get my nana to shorten them. Or it’s usually my waist that is the problem. Mom will put them up to me and say, “they might fit.” Bring them home, and I can’t breathe. They usually get turned into Emily’s pants. She makes everything look good.

I was looking up shirts on Hot Topic a while ago. Hoping to find some good shirts to get. I had in my head that I wanted another Paramore and I wanted my first Five Finger Death Punch shirt. Found both of those instantly. I told myself maybe you should keep looking to see what else you find. I found a lot of shirts my sister would love, like Drake, Lil Wayne, and Nicki Minaj shirts. I also found a lot of Metallica shirts, which got me thinking, I wonder if they have any Motley Crue shirts? Dumb brain, I instantly thought afterwards. Then I found a Guns N Roses shirt and I was just, “ok, we’re moving in the right direction.” Then my world got a little more exciting when I found a Backstreet Boys shirt. I could have just stopped right there, but no. I kept going on. Next page, I found a Motley Crue shirt. It’s very tempting!

Now I’m at a dilemma. I have about four shirts I actually want, but there is one shirt that I can’t find at Hot Topic or on Amazon. Which sucks I got to say! I really want this Sixx:A.M. technically if you really want to get into it, I don’t care about the other shirts I just want this shirt. Badly! So my luck, I probably won’t buy anything at the mall and just buy this freaking shirt online, but hey! Maybe I can get a DJ Ashba shirt too. This is how my mind works, finding ways to get out of certain things and saving up to get something else. This shall be interesting!

Battling It Out

As much as I try to keep my head up and say “everything’s going to get better” I still feel myself just collapsing inside. I can’t seem to keep it up for more than a day or so. Which I’m pretty lucky if I can get up to two days, but it’s rare. The more I think, the more it ruins all of my positive thoughts. I’ve thought of different quotes to describe me in the last several days. One is, “Some girls flaunt their bodies, I flaunt my feet. At least mine is practical.” I’ve thought about alot. It’s mean, smart, and clever all at the same time. I hate how girls flaunt their bodies to everybody making every other girl who has issues with their bodies, like myself included feel stupid. I liked the quote at first, but then I started to analyze it more and more and started to find it mean after a couple times saying it to myself. I don’t know.

My other quote is true, but comes across what I’ve found from different things. Since I’ve been listening to Sixx:A.M. I’ve tried to make myself think about me in a positive way. I found out from years before “Lies Of The Beautiful People” was even thought about was that it’s harder than it looks. Its easier said than done. No matter how many people try to tell me I’m beautiful, this little quote will come up. “God knows you’ve seen prettier.” It bugs me how much boldness I have in my brain. Sadly, I’ve wanted to say this out loud to a few people and then yell at them about it. I hate how everybody tries to deny it to me. I see about a hundred girls just one day out of my house. Especially we go to the super market. It pisses me off! Don’t try to deny it!

I can see a few people reading this, and wanting to hit me. In my defense, I watched “Soul Surfer” again and got all bent out of shape over it. I didn’t cry as much, but I still got all mad. When I talk to my friends and they try their best to confort me, family too. It never seems to work. I still feel myself wanting to explode on every person I come into contact with. I fake a smile and get on with it. I hope for tomorrow and a happy ending. I’m just tired of everybody. I could just feel myself fuming from my stomach and for some odd reason it has not went up for years. It seriously sucks. I keep battling it out with all these emotions and people who try to be there for me, but I feel like I’m pushing them away. I really don’t want that.

Getting There

I’ve been reading a lot in the course of the last two days. I finally am halfway through it. If you don’t know what I’m reading, I’m reading Slash’s book. I had about three books from rockstars I wanted to read at the beginning. I wanted to read Duff McKagan’s book first since I knew his book was out for sure. I just wanted to read his, even though I knew what I’d be reading about. I still wanted to it, but once I started looking around for books I saw his and saw the price and freaked. His book is pushed back to number three on my waiting list. Then I started getting into Sixx:A.M. and wanted to read his book. I’ve got a couple weeks until Christmas I’m sure if it’s expensive any money I get I can pay for it. If I have any money left over I might break this “rockstar” biographies that I’m doing and get somebody else’s.

Reading about Slash’s life is what I expected in a sense. I knew the 80’s were crazy, but I didn’t know they were this crazy. He talks about everything and anything he could remember. I have caught myself laughing at him sometimes because certain things he wrote about are just unbelieveable.  Then there are sad moments in the book, yesterday I was reading the first sad thing I found and I literally had to take a break from reading it because I was close to crying. Luckily, I didn’t because that would have been interesting to explain to my dad. I think he doesn’t believe I’m reading his book when I don’t like any 80’s rock bands. Yes, I do get made fun of by certain family members because of it. I don’t care. I may not listen to them in that time period, but I got two Slash songs and I love Sixx:A.M. so everybody should just get off my case.