Life | Getting A Late Start

Hello there!

It seems so weird to be writing this post.

I have not felt inspired to talk about anything lately. I’ve been like this since the end of October. I made myself dive hard into Blogmas in December and I genuinely enjoyed the posts I did for those three weeks, but by Christmas, I knew I needed to take a longer break from blogging. At one point, I was even comfortable with the idea of never blogging again…

Technically I quit on the 23rd of December, so depending on when I’ll actually get this post out, it would be about two months of nothing to do with writing, publishing, and networking. This prospect is a frightening reality I am currently living with because all I know to do is blog. I may not get paid for my posts, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think of it as a job anyways, and I wonder if that’s also part of it; when I am “working” I feel like I have that constant need to do this or that and it has just taken away all of the fun it brought me in the early days.

I created this blog in May 2011, to give me a space to work on my writing style but the reason why I focused my attention on discussing disability topics is because I wanted to show people of various ages that you can have a wonderful life with a severe disability. I have fallen out of that a few times in the last 12 years of blogging, but I always found a way to come back stronger. The last five years, I have enjoyed how far I’ve come as a writer, I was taking chances and it felt amazing to see all of the hard work pay off.

For my birthday last November, I had this strange feeling inside and it felt like I was turning into a better version of myself. It was “strange” because when I began my 20’s, I sought out finding my soulmate, getting married and raising a family by a certain age like most young women do. It wasn’t until I hit 28 that I realized my overall dream of what I wanted to have as a life wasn’t going to come and although the realization hurt like hell at first, I felt like I could breathe better. Honestly, a lot of things changed at that age! I became an aunt for the first time, and I think it was a great wakeup call for me! I love babies and children, but I have never spent the day/night with them before so being around this little human has humbled me to the core.

This would somewhat happen again a year later, as I asked my cousins about how they knew they were attracted to others, and they proceeded to discuss being in relationships, and all throughout that conversation I wanted to throw up but ironically enough that was one visit I did not come home with the stomach flu… I was shocked that I really couldn’t sense myself entering a relationship and being comfortable about it at this point of my life, and I still don’t four months later! I’ve never been the type of person that would get married, I like the way of having a life partner instead.

Even though the new year is already here, we can always enter a new path at any time. It doesn’t always have to start on your birthday or NYE, and you can never make a mistake on your journey either. You can always come back after a setback so please try not to feel bad or foolish because tomorrow is a whole new day to begin anew.

If you have been reading this post all the way though, I appreciate you for your commitment. I would like to know how long you’ve been a part of my blog in the comments. You don’t have to say the exact date, but if you do indeed remember the day, you started visiting Got Meghan’s Blog, please list it down below.

Being Single Isn’t So Bad

Howdy!

This is going to be a strange post coming from me, but I still want to write it. I saw this the other day while scrolling through my Facebook and I thought it was funny and sounded like my sense of humor about being single for so damn long! As I was thinking about how I used to ignore almost every chain letter that popped into my inbox of my phone, I started to think about how much I don’t care about being single anymore. Like seriously! I’ve been thinking about how my life has been going lately, although there a few things that need to be changed around, getting married and having kids in my early 20’s isn’t a necessity like I wanted it to be a few years ago. To me, this is a HUGE turnaround since I’ve been wanting these things since I was about fourteen years old!

I was trying to figure out what changed my mind. What is there now that wasn’t there before? So I started thinking about my priorities and I’ve been noticing how much I’ve been really enjoying my life as a blogger now. I have tons of ideas in my head of what I want to do in the near future, like becoming a YouTuber and working with brands and to me having these projects if I had kids would hold me back from doing them. I’ve been watching the SacconeJolys for the last few months and I’ve been asking myself would I be able to blog, do a video, and be a mother all the while with a disability on top of that? I know it’s not impossible, but I feel like I’d still want to blog and/or make a video to make sure people still know I’m still out here. I watch Anna’s videos and I know they have a nanny, but I can’ let somebody take care of my kids while I write a post or record a haul of sorts. I’m NOT condemning them, I mean that’s what works for them! It’s just there are certain things that I’m not willing to give up to do the other.

My friend and I were having a similar conversation the other day. She is a couple of years younger than I am, but she has a three year old daughter. She recently got out of a relationship with her boyfriend like four months ago. She was having a bad day and was confused about to do about him. She isn’t sure if she wanted to be with him or leave that chapter alone. I was really honest with her, I think she should be single for a while. She can focus on her schooling because she goes to college and takes care of her daughter, there’s nothing there to redirect her attention elsewhere. I felt she needs to be thinking more about these two for the time being than getting into another relationship that may or may not work out this time. She also has issues with her parents liking him too, her dad doesn’t want her to do anything with him or she’s out, so I said that if her father was serious about that then she’d have to move out of her family home, find another place to rent, get a job and I think she’d have too many things taking her interest away from wanting to go to school and she’d give it up.

Being single isn’t so bad. I don’t understand why I was so bent out of shape in high school. It might have something to do with the fact that all of my friends had boyfriends and I didn’t. Majority of all my friends are engaged, married, and/or have kids. Surprisingly I’m not jealous about it anymore. I still love being around babies, toddlers and older kids but I never thought I’d be happy they’re not mine! What’s also interesting to me that my views on marriage in general have changed too. I don’t want to get married, I don’t see the point of having somebody give you a ring and only having a certificate as the way to know you’re really committed to one another. If you’ve been dating for YEARS and have kids, why ruin things just because it’s tradition? I mean, you’ve already fucked up when you had kids and now you want to put a ring on it? It just seems silly to me!

I’m single but not ready to mingle or have any mini mes yet!

Being The Older Sister.

Being handicapped and an older sister is a tricky thing.

When I was about 10 years old, I spent the whole weekend with my cousin Morgan with our grandma (dad’s mom) and on the last day we went to her house and I got to spend time with both her and little brother Nicholas. They are roughly the same age as my sister and I, but I’m one year older than Morgan. They terrorized each other. I had seen this before with my other cousins Kristi and her older brother Chris. It wasn’t anything new, but up until this point my sister and I had a good relationship, and then I came home after that visit acting like a little bitch. I remember that evening so well that it hurts now. I came home and was told that I had a surprise. Apparently Blondie and my mom fixed up my side of the room that we shared. I came home not liking any part of it. After that, I had to sleep in my own room because of my attitude of what happened that day! However, I think after all of those years of sharing a room together, ten was the right age to finally sleep in my own room. So in a way, spending the day with my cousins was a good/bad idea at that time!

Our bickering days came to a halt whenever she entered high school. I was actually excited to have my little sister in the same part of the school as me. I could see her now! The first semester of her freshman year I am still surprised she didn’t want to kill me whenever I came over to her lunch table. I was friends with most of the kids in her class, anybody that came over for her birthdays or slept over on the weekends knew about me and my disability. From what I could tell, the ones that came over were never bothered by it so that was good! I know at times I probably embarrassed her, but that was the only part of being an older sister I had left to enjoy was to taunt the crap out of her. When she started dating, everything got a little weird. She got her first real boyfriend during the end of summer of 2009. Trevor was probably my favorite out of the bunch. The only one I didn’t want to run over after things went sour with one another. Speaking of running over, I did make a small “promise” to one that if he ever hurt her (I knew of his history), that I would run over his feet. When he cheated on her, I went to the football game and I ran over his feet. That’s also when I realized that running over people’s feet isn’t as threatening as it used to be when I was as a kid!

Early 2011 came and she met this one, we thought it was only going to be a crush because he was only staying for a short time. He mostly lived in Italy where his dad was stationed, but he was from our hometown.. Everybody liked him but only a couple of people, including me. I thought it was cute the first time she showed me his picture, she definitely liked him it was THAT clear! When he moved back to Italy after they decided to get serious, things started to decline for them. He cheated on her twice, even though he came out and told her about it, it still hurt her deeply and we didn’t know how bad until a couple of years later. After that, entered the two “bad boys”. All three had their own bad tendencies with lasting effects too. Now we are in 2015 and she’s with Brandon aka “Batman” and she met him on her first night at college. We first met him on my birthday celebration last year. It was pretty awkward because we had only seen pictures and were told stories about this boy and that was it. My sister has quite a lot of baggage and he seems to accept her just the way she is. So that’s good enough for us.

Why am I giving you a look into my sister’s personal life?

Because I wanted you to see of how much I pay attention. I’ve seen hurt on my sister’s face too many times, but also saw joy just as much. It’s very awkward to be an older sister and have a disability, but it’s even more complicated to be single while being around these times. I was only in two small “relationships” and none of them lasted longer than a few months. I’ve become bitter from not being in a real relationship like my sister, but in a way watching her with the past and present boyfriend(s) has been a blessing in disguise. I’ve learned a lot about love. What it means to be in a relationship with someone and what’s truly acceptable and what isn’t. I think I’ve figured out what I wanted in a relationship if it ever happened one day.

During the last week of May, Batman moved into our house. It was an idea that came from my dad after he heard of their plans of moving up north and into an apartment. My parents weren’t having that, so this happened instead. They each have jobs down here and he seems to get along with everybody, even our dog ChiChi. Having another guy living in our house is a little weird for me, because I don’t exactly trust a lot of people, especially males and after Blondie’s situation that happened two years ago, it’s still pretty fresh in not only my mind but everybody else’s too. So I’ve been a bit wary of him still, even though I’m learning to accept him at MY pace. They’ve been expressing their thoughts of marriage and having children in the future and its brought a new light for my sister, because before she didn’t want to get married or have kids. So this was new but yet great for me! I want to be an aunt again!

See now there’s the thought of the future again.

If I don’t get married and have kids of my own, where will I go once my parents pass and/or can’t take care of me anymore? It’s a thought that’s on everybody’s mind. My mom and I have discussed it many times in the last three years. It’s nice to be able to talk about the worries of the future but as far as discussing the possibilities with all four of us together. It would be a bad idea! My dad would love nothing more but avoid the topic altogether and my sister, well she didn’t like the fact when I told her that I didn’t want her to be the one that takes care of me. A person outside of it all would wonder why I wouldn’t want my own sister to take care of me than rather worry about a nurse that would abuse me in a group home or something like that? To me, it’s a personal choice that I think is mine alone to make and I want my sister and her future husband (whether it’s Batman or not) to have a normal life that doesn’t involve wondering about what I need on a daily basis. If she’s anything like our dad, she’ll always be like that! She deserves her own life away from me. I don’t want any resentment there between us or she and her future husband. Hopefully one day things will be resolved and we’ll figure out what we really will do when the time is right, but I still stand by what I said two years ago and I think I always will.

Know Your Exit

I’ve never been one to hide any true feelings from both the past and the present.

So I have something to release right now.

It’s been a strange two years now. I’ve been learning how to deal with some very important things in my life. I feel like I’ve been detoxing the negativity in my life. I’ve been feeling a lot of pride in myself to be able to do that in this stage of my life. Being that I am still young, I know I’ve still got lots to deal with later on in life, but at least I’ll know how to “treat” myself in the good and bad. I’m still trying to figure out the whole mediation thing. I’ve tried doing it twice, but I’ve still been getting quite confused on what I’m supposed to be doing. Anyways, I’ve learned to not count every boring day as bad. If three good things happened throughout your day, it was good! I hardly get mad at anything, however the times I do, stay away from me! I’ve been learning how to breathe slowly in through my nose and exhale out of my mouth, imagine myself feeling calmer. I hardly ever worry anymore, because why worry about things when you can’t change about how they started or how they’ll end. That’s just a few things I’ve been really working on in the past year.

Blogging becomes a big help in finding my inner peace too. I can just talk about (not everything) a bunch of things that might be bothering me. Sometimes it’s like an itch, you have to talk about it. Through blogging I’ve leaned that I may be helping somebody else in whatever is going on with their lives too. It has nothing to do with my disability–it’s just a feeling that you can be relatable to somebody else’s thoughts and feelings. So I’ll start by saying that we’ve all crushes sometime in our lives, I find we usually get crushes our crushes on the opposite sex while we’re in school. When everything is over, not only do some of your friendships end, but so do some of your interest in those crushes too. Only a couple rarely still exist a few years later. By then, the connection is off and everything that you liked about that person may be a lot different now, like physical features, likes in music etc. It can either be a great release of that person and/or it could break your heart that maybe you have moved on from that person.

I’ve felt a lot of joy in having a lot of crushes in many stages in my life–in school, I’ve said since I was in a wheelchair, I was more of the perfect friend than a girlfriend in general. Recently, I’ve realized that maybe the guys that I’ve always wondered why they never gave me a chance, were only being nice and treating me like a friend to them were actually saving me. Even though, I still remember the broken heart everytime each one would get a girlfriend. I would usually cry my eyes out at night and my poor nana and mom had to hear me each and every time it happened. Whenever one was in a relationship, I did manage to find a new one to replace that one, which I find now a great thing. I wasn’t obsessed with them and their girlfriends, even though in the beginning I had tried to befriend their girlfriends. By the end of my high school years, I had grown out of that and switched my loves to celebrities. So maybe falling in love Ian Somerhalder had its good intentions in 2009.

When every one of my crushes finds somebody, I’m truly happy for them. I’m glad that they’ve found somebody to love them always. I think it’s a great thing for me to realize this now, as a single woman. It shows that I can move on. It shows others that just because they meant so much to you at one time, you can move on from them without being bitter about it. It’s all a learning process of course! Some can make it happen and then there are those who can be obsessed with that person to the point were they’ll do anything and everything to ruin the relationships that person they may be crushing on and that is never cool. Be a lady or gentleman and let that person go, you both deserve a chance at love but maybe it’s not meant to be with each other and you’re just going to have to accept it. So to all my old crushes, yes I once had a thing for you. If you’ve found yourself in a great relationship or maybe even in marriage, I wish you all the best and thank you for never ignoring me and making only a good friend. That’s all that matters now.

#FWF — The Fires Of Spring

This week’s prompt on Kellie Elmore’s Free Write Friday was to pick a title from the ones given. If you click on the image above it will take you to her website and you can do yours too! This had to take me some time to figure out. I finally got it though. I have to thank Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood for the inspiration I got for this story. Here you go and I hope you enjoy this fiery little tale.

It was just another sleepless night. I could hear the crickets outside and the occasionally car fly by on the road. I slept on the couch because it is too much to walk upstairs to the master bedroom. I don’t want to sleep in that king size bed by myself. I know where he is. I always where he ends up. Even thought he comes home in the morning and makes me breakfast, I always know where he’s been and I swear if he thinks cooking me a fancy breakfast in the mornings after he’s been with her, will make things fine, he’s got another thing coming. I turn onto my back and fight back my stubborn tears that want to run down my cheeks. I hate him for what he’s done and always thinks I’ll take him back. All of a sudden, I hear footsteps coming up to my door and then I hear him having trouble finding his key to unlock the door. When it unlatched, he thinks he’s in the clear until he goes to open the door fully. He’s not strong enough to get it open, then a small grin forms on my face. I put the chain on the door to make sure that no burglars get in to the house, “Carey!” He slurs his words but it’s loud as hell. Both of our dogs Minnie and George raise their heads and see daddy peaking his head through the door. I couldn’t have a small dog because they bite. Right now, I wish both of them learned quick about their daddy and his cheating ways weren’t in their mommy’s plan in life.

“Carey! Please wake up! You locked me out!” I was still lying on the couch with a hand over my mouth holding in my laughter. It wasn’t doing any good, because I knew he could hear me. “Come one, baby! It’s cold out here!” I toss the blankets off of me and get up on my feet. I push the door forward with such force that I hear a big thud. When I unchained the door and opened the door, there was my drunk, unfaithful boyfriend lying on the concrete holding his head. The dogs rushed to his rescue, but he wasn’t going to get any sympathy out of me. “Thank you. Why did you lock it for?” He said as he sat up and started walking past me. I got a good whiff of cologne and sweet strawberry lotion on his body. It just angered me to the core that I knew if I asked about it, he would just deny it and walk away from me. He gave me this smile that told me he was still drunk enough that he couldn’t see my anger raging inside. He tried to come neat me, but the smell of booze on his breath turned me off completely. I pushed him away and he got angry with me, “what’s the matter with you now?” He finally said as he stumbled into the kitchen. Thank god for the walls for holding him up. “Nothing. I’m just really tired.” He walked over to the counter and grabbed the rag and ran it over the water, once it was damp he put it over his eyes. A little thought formed that now would be a good time to kill him. Before she had time to act, he threw the rag into the sink again. He was still smiling and then walked out of the kitchen. “So, are you come upstairs and sleep with me?” He said, I didn’t know what he was meaning with that question, but I told him no. “Fine, I’ll be in that bed all by myself. Maybe in the morning I’ll make you pancakes or something. Sounds nice?” I ignored him and walked back over to the couch, got underneath the covers and cried silently inside.

It was 8:04am, it was still too early to tell if he was awake or not. The dogs sure were, since they were whining to go out. I sat up and put on my half soaked slippers, the dogs seem to think they don’t have enough toys in the house. I let them out and noticed my cheating boyfriend wasn’t awake. Well, so much for making breakfast. I started walking up the stairs and went into the master bedroom. He wasn’t in there. I heard the shower running and it automatically made me want to go pee, but I didn’t want to go in there while he’s in there. He may not be drunk anymore, but he gets pretty horny in the mornings. I don’t want his fifthly hands all over me. All I had to do was do my business and grab a few things. He shouldn’t be too bad. I walked in and he didn’t even bother shutting the curtain. “Hey, babe! You wanna join me?” I couldn’t say anything to him, so I just shook my head “no” and I don’t know what happened next, but it was Gage,  maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on him for cheating with a bitch like me. Where did that thought form? After we were finished, I quickly dried off and grabbed my stuff really fast. He looked at me funny, “are we going on a trip?” He said, “I am, but you might be going to hell.”

He rolled his eyes at me and shook his head about a hundred times. You know in his mind, he just said “not this shit again,” but yup! If I’m going to leave his ass for good I’m going to make him look like a fool one last time. I already took the pleasure of packing three bags worth of shit and they were already in my car, just ready to leave. I had one last surprise for him though, “that girl, Mackenzie, you go see after work. Well, she went through your phone last night and I guess saw how your phone had me as your background picture, but not only did you have my number in your phone, but she counted 25 other girl phones in your phone as well! She doesn’t want to see your ass anymore, just so you know.” Once I finished talking, he gave me his best shot and all I heard next was, “I don’t know any “Mackenzie” baby!” I grabbed my purse from the floor and the dog leases from the dresser. “Oh, don’t take the dogs with you too! They love me the way I am.” I flipped around and grabbed a plastic bottle from my purse and took off the top, and sprayed it down the stairs. When I dropped the container at his feet I slapped in the face and stomped out of the house, “Come on Minnie and George, come to mommy” Both dogs were still out in the back but came around the front to see my finale. My ex boyfriend was still standing on top of the stairs with a blank look on his face.

It wasn’t until I grabbed the package of matches from my pocket where he got worried about his safety. “Carey, baby, now don’t do anything stupid! Just please let me explain.” I lit the match and the flame looked so innocent burning down the stick, “I will drop this on the floor in 3 seconds. Give me your best shot honey.” The dogs ran for the car and instead of explaining his wrong doing, he walked closer to me. “Counting down, 3…………..2…………..1” His eyes got wide as I dropped the match onto the floor and the fire spread out throughout not only the stairs but the other rooms. Destroying any evidence of the life we once had together and  he started screaming like a little girl. It was fun to watch but I had to get out of there before the police found me and took me in for his wrong doings. The dogs eagerly got into the car as fast as they could and she walked into her car and started it up. She drove away with leaving a small reminder to never underestimate a woman’s rage, she rolled down the window and smiled but also gave him the finger as he ran out of the house without his towel that he left before in the burning house. Five minutes later, not only did she pass both the police and fire department, she said goodbye to the life she had and drove out into the sunset.