Book Review: “Anne Boleyn: 500 Years of Lies” by Hayley Nolan


If you know me well enough, you wouldn’t be surprised by my loving support of Queen Anne Boleyn. I’ve always thought she has a bad rap before, during and after her marriage to King Henry VIII. I’ve watched a lot of movies, tv shows, and documentaries that follow the whole “six wives” drama, and I’ve wanted to read a biographical story of her life, but I didn’t want to hear to hear the same things I’ve been hearing since 2008, and I have attempted to read this book two years ago, but I just wasn’t in the mood for it, so after the book itself basically stalking me for months on end, I decided to make a goal to read and complete it before the anniversary of her death in 1536.


A bold new analysis of one of history’s most misrepresented women.

History has lied.

Anne Boleyn has been sold to us as a dark figure, a scheming seductress who bewitched Henry VIII into divorcing his queen and his church in an unprecedented display of passion. Quite the tragic love story, right?


In this electrifying exposé, Hayley Nolan explores for the first time the full, uncensored evidence of Anne Boleyn’s life and relationship with Henry VIII, revealing the shocking suppression of a powerful woman.

So leave all notions of outdated and romanticized folklore at the door and forget what you think you know about one of the Tudors’ most notorious queens. She may have been silenced for centuries, but this urgent book ensures Anne Boleyn’s voice is being heard now.


taken from Goodreads.

Everything you think you know about the rise and fall of Anne Boleyn is turned upside down, as with every historian and film based on the second line of the Tudor dynasty can be comprised of lies, and lots of them. There were things that I didn’t concern beforehand that while I read this book immediately changed my mind and where I stand on my view of both the king and his former “love” that was Anne Boleyn.

I just want to let everything know, I took quite a few notes between mid-April to early May, just so I could remember things that I thought were really important to other people who enjoy a 16th Century soap opera!

Who was the real Anne Boleyn?

The first thing I thought was both crucial and interesting was how the author Hayley had the guts to say that Henry VIII could have suffered a mental illness all throughout his life. She believes she could have been a sociopath, and yes, she tells her readers why this seems like something he would have been going through in life, and It wouldn’t have been caused by the jousting accident he had in 1520’s, although she does point out that it could have heightened his paranoia of his court and of course, not being able to have an acceptable heir.

I thought it was somewhat funny how much I was comparing his actions like of Victoria Helen Stone’s Jane Doe series. Jane is also a sociopath, but totally fictional, so in a way, to see how her mind works–she doesn’t believe she is in the wrong, blames over people, she doesn’t know how to show true emotions like love, and is ruled by her impulses. I thought Victoria’s books were the shit before; I definitely love them now. but it was also frightening to see the similarities between these two, and again Jane is a fictional character!

Besides the rundown of Henry’s erratic behavior, you understand that we need to see Anne as a human being, although it was 1500’s, she deserves to have her real story told and this book is full of information by tons of courtiers and religious people of the time, such as Cardinal Thomas Wolsey, Thomas Cromwell, Thomas Crammer, Archbishop of Canterbury, William Latymer, William Kingston, Chapuleys, Ambassador of Spain. You are told things that many historians and authors normally pass through because it doesn’t fit the mold that is the Tudor era.

One of the things we always learn about this part of history is that court life is not about this grand and there is always a party of some sort going on, but this isn’t exactly true. People were stuck in large palaces, and it was fairly quiet, so there was always in need of musicians and poets to keep everyone happy (or at least comfortable with their surroundings!) but it wasn’t just the king and his advisors that were working hard, the Queen also had her own job as she helped the king discover another religion which was evangelism and helped break away from Rome. She was helping students continue their schooling and protected them from harm for practicing another faith. She always worked based on what she hoped would happen for the nation and educate her little daughter Elizabeth as Protestant than Catholicism.

When non-history-fanatics think of Anne Boleyn, do they recall her fighting for religious reform and freedom? No, they think six wives, six fingers and beheaded.

There is something I wasn’t a huge fan of, I didn’t care on how cocky Hayley was, getting her point across with each chapter. I understand as someone who loves and supports Anne very much, you want everyone to know the facts, but I thought the author was sort of cocky with her words. However, there were interesting tidbits that were mixed with sarcasm here and you felt like she was sitting right next to me having a very intense debate about who was really responsible for bringing Anne (and the other poor victims) of the murdering plot down for good, and when it came to sections like this, I was fine with that familiar banter but the rest, not so much.

Anyways, if you are looking for a different perspective on this time period and looking at the ‘romance’ or ‘love story’ that was King Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. I definitely recommend this book, but if you are set with what media chooses to discuss, then you might want to ease yourself into the real truth of Anne Boleyn.

Have you read Hayley Nolan’s “Anne Boleyn: 500 Years of Lies” yet? If you have checked it out, what were some of your thoughts about what she shared with us?




Basketball is back is finally back! Technically, it’s been back for two months now, but I don’t usually like to count it until college basketball begins. Once I’ve watched my first Butler game, I can officially celebrate it fully!

I made this blog so I could have a safe place to basically unleash anything I thought was important to me, and I’ve had to really figure out if I wanted to do this post. Basketball being at the heart of it, but you will read some bittersweet things too. I just wanted to let it all go and this was the result.

Shameful Beginnings

I like to think how I got into college basketball has a happy storytelling; I feel like I was influenced spiritually by my papaw. I like to tell people who I think he was bored up in heaven and needed somebody to let him watch basketball, so he turned to me because I was the only one that could be open enough to actually watch it. After he died, my family hardly watch a IU or Butler, so when I started, I did like it but I certainly miss the fact that he’s not there watching it on his TV in the kitchen of their house.

I’d really like to say that I felt the most of guilt because of the fact that I never wanted to listen whenever my papaw attempted to teach me the positions and whatnot years ago, but unfortunately it’s not that at all. Although I still feel bad for not allowing him that opportunity, but I think he’d be proud on what I’ve been able to learn on my own and some things that my mom, knows more about basketball then she previously thought, so I think that would make him a happy camper! Basketball has even improve my math too, which kind of still freaks me out, but I’m okay with it.

I started watching college basketball in the 2016-17 season. I literally only had one team but then as the season went on, I did begin to watch some of the other teams in the Big East conference.

A year later, about a month before college basketball was to start I got some unexpected news. Well, it really wasn’t just me, it was the entire family that got the news. On October 22nd, was both a good and also a bittersweet day for me. I found out that I was going to be an aunt for the first time. Now you’re thinking, what could be bad about that? Well, my sister and brother-in-law had been married for about four months and they had basically told us that they were going to wait about 10 years before trying to have children. Selfishly, I was kind of happy about that decision. Here’s why.

As somebody who has a serve physical disability, you are left out on a lot of lifetime experiences. When we were asked in school what we wanted to be when we grew up, everybody had some realistic and sometimes outlandish careers picked out, but I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mother. I think this is because I was around my mom and my nana so much growing up that it’s also been a big interest to me. Honestly, I’ve never really told anybody this, because I didn’t want to pity, but I really want somebody to love me truly and I want to be pregnant, go through labor and delivery, change diapers, give baths, and just love on a small creature that I helped make of my own. So, the fact that this was happening to my sister was pretty devastating to me.

What’s weird about it is that I didn’t necessarily get this feelings when my cousin was pregnant back in 2016 (or when she got married a year later!), mostly because I think she lived somewhat far away and I didn’t really communicate a lot with her. So, her pregnancies have never made me feel sad, it was just my sister and in a way I understood the reasons behind it. So, after she announced to the world that she was pregnant, I remember feeling my heart sink a little, but once I realized that it had done that, I started to layer on the guilt of feeling like that.

Later that night, I thought if college basketball can help me get through my papaw’s death, I was hoping that maybe professional basketball could help me sort out my thoughts of the fact that I will eventually become an auntie, and not a mother myself.

The Definition Of Devotion

I’ll be honest, those nine months were a bitch. My sister had a somewhat complicated pregnancy, mostly with her pain and getting Gestational diabetes towards the end of it. She actually didn’t like being pregnant and she had some problems feeling confident in her own body as well about the prospect of becoming a mother to this small child. She was a mess, and I wasn’t much better.

For a whole month, I had decided to watch about four teams (Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, San Antonio Spurs, and Gold State Warriors) but I really didn’t enjoy them, I just watched them to get me out of my head. Every quiet moment had been awful. So many thoughts would come shooting at me from every angle, all of my bad memories would basically come at me hard and those four teams were part of my escape plan at night.

However, the week before the first Butler game was to come on TV, I had watched my first ever Houston Rockets game. They went up against Detroit Pistons and it is the only clear memory I have at that point of time. What I get from that means I probably didn’t watch the others as well as I did this game, because I was so mesmerized on the fact that on each side the players were hitting threes and I was dumbfounded. I’m still mad at myself for never finishing that game, but I was instantly hooked! And then about five  days later, I watched my first Los Angeles Lakers game and again, I was just instantly stuck on these guys.

By the time college basketball was in full swing for the 2017-18 season, I had a total of 10 teams I was watching constantly, hell I would add both Oklahoma City Thunder and Philadelphia 76ers to the list, but not until after Christmas was over. I had a lot of basketball to not only keep me happy but also keep those negative thoughts at bay. It wouldn’t always work, but on the days I really needed it, the sport was there.

Out Of The Ashes

After the championship games were over, I was really worried about what I would do now. I had essentially four months to kill before my nephew would finally be here and I was left to my own devices again and I think that scared me more than anything. By the time, my mom had been told about everything going on with me, she tried her best to comfort me with a whole lot of hugs and wash rags for my nose because it really didn’t matter if it was daylight or not I would just break down.

I’ve never been on antidepressants before this, I feel like I probably should have been on something after I had graduated from high school, and again in 2011, but I was very hesitant about it because I didn’t want to rely on a small pill to help make me feel better, but honestly I had no other options left and I was finally put on my first dose a week after Baby Nolan was born. A part of me was a little mad that we had waited all this time and I started them while he just got here, because I think it would have helped me out a bunch to stop feeling so jealous.

I really love being an auntie to my nephew, which adds to the guilt that I’ve held so deep inside. I’ve never told Blondie or Brandon about all of this before. I could never find the words and I was always afraid they wouldn’t understand or would be angry with me for never saying anything about it (especially my sister), so if they do decide to read this post, I just want to say, I did not plan on this. nobody really does but now that Nolan’s here, I love him dearly and I would do anything for him because I know he’s going to look up to me. He is already learning things that I’ve done in front of him like getting a drink out of my cup. He’s been recorded reaching for his mommy’s frappe once so I’ve already been teaching this little man without really trying and I get so much joy out of being around him. His toothless smiles are intoxicating and I really can’t get enough of it!

Who Am I Watching This Season?

Over the summer, I did something that I never thought I’d ever do. I watched the NBA Draft, NBA Awards and Summer League. Yeah, even my dad was shocked! I mainly watched the Draft because I knew that Villanova was losing four of their best players on the team and I just wanted to know where they were going, so with that being said I now watch the Milwaukee Bucks because that’s where Donte DiVincenzo is playing now. Just for an extra bonus, one of the reasons why I even liked watching the Lakers, Brook Lopez was traded there. I wasn’t originally happy about that piece of news, but I like seeing both of them on the same team now.

When professional basketball started in early October, I had made the decision to cut down on the amount of teams for this season. Since I am increasingly learning more about it in general, I wanted to shrink the list or switch out teams as much as possible. The only one I watch from the original “back up” lineup is the Boston Celtics. I mainly wanted to keep them because I have a “few” favorite players: Jayson Tatum, Aron Hayes, Al Halford (who I tend to get confused with Eric Gordon!), and Gordon Hayward. My dad thinks I like them because their coach Brad Stevens, who is a former head coach of Butler Bulldogs – it’s not true!

When the previous season was dwindling down and LA Lakers weren’t in the playoffs, I had temporary traded them with the 76ers. I really like Joel Embiid and JJ Redick a lot. Ben Simmons isn’t that bad, but he did not deserve that “Rookie Of The Year” award. I can’t wait to see how many other “rookie” players will try to say that in the future. The 76ers is a team that I frequently watch now, but since I’ve only seen probably 8 games total, I don’t have that many thoughts about them yet. Key word: yet.

And finally, I am still watching both the Houston Rockets and Los Angeles Lakers. This summer was pretty interesting, I literally watched the NBA Awards in hopes that James Harden would win MVP. I decided to watch that live, but taped it because I’m not an idiot, I fell asleep in the middle of it, so that morning my mom knew who had won but I made her promise not to tell me because I wanted to watch it. I was so happy, but unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to get too excited because my dad was asleep in the next room and I didn’t feel like scaring the crap out of him! I also had started following Bleacher Report on Twitter to find out of the different players who were being traded to other teams, and when I saw that Trevor Arzia had signed to Phoenix Suns, I was a bit sad but nothing compared to the nervousness I had at the possibility that Clint Capella could be leaving. Oh my gosh! The day it was announced to resigning with the Rockets was the best! When I saw that, everybody was awake so I was allowed to scream, I was so happy!

Another trade I was upset about, was when Julius Randle left. He was the second person to get me into the Lakers, so the fact that I was now down two out of three was nerve-wrecking. And then on top of that the whole world found out that LeBron James was becoming a Laker. For most people, especially everybody in LA alone, was ecstatic! I was not. It’s shocking that parents, coaches, hell even teachers tell kids everyday that there’s no “I” in team and yet whenever LeBron goes on a team, he’s #1 and everybody else is just a shadow behind him. The reason why I wasn’t thrilled about this, is because I liked the fact that it was the team of youngsters. You have Brandon Ingram, Lonzo Ball, Kyle Kuzma and Josh Hart that are all under the age of 25 and they all have real potential to lead a team, and yet now the spotlight doesn’t really shine on them as much anymore.

If you’re wondering about who the final player that got me interested in this team was Ingram, so imagine my face when he shoved James Harden on their first game of the new season. Yeah, I was actually enjoying it until that happened and all hell broke loose afterwards. My heart hurt as it was happening and I was glad that I had recorded the game instead of watching it live or I would have probably been in tears. If you’re reading this part, and assuming that the only reason why I could have done that because I have a crush on Ingram, Harden or any other of the players, you obviously didn’t read the post all the way through.

As far as college basketball goes, I am still and probably always going to watch Butler. Although, I am going to have to get a new shirt as I’ve officially outgrown it. Nolan has finally worn his Butler onesie already, but whether or not he can fit into is debatable, so it might be time for the both of us to get new outfits! And I will watch both Xavier and Villanova every once in a while; I actually don’t care to watch Nova during the Big East conferences, because they are really my team’s enemy. I admire them and practically know everybody’s names and numbers now, but I know better to root for anybody that could make them lose a game!

I feel the need to apologize for the long post, but there was a lot to get out and I thought it would be better to get everything out in one go, so the fact that I’m over 2,000+ words was definitely not planned by any means! I would like to say that if you have read the whole thing, kudos to you for getting through it. Now that everything is out in the open, maybe I can just enjoy being an auntie and watching basketball in all forms! 🙂


Guest Post |How and Why People with Disabilities Should Start A Home-Based Business by Patrick Young



Today’s post is about something different, I was contacted by Patrick back in May I think, and he wanted to write a piece about why people should create home-based businesses. I thought it was really interesting and a good read for anyone with a disability, and can’t work a normal job.

Having a disability can make both finding a job and working more difficult. A *study showed that 50% of unemployed disabled people reported some type of barrier to employment. Additionally, more than 50% of employment disabled individuals reported some difficultly completing their work duties because of their disability. For these reasons, those with disabilities may look to launching their own home-based businesses to reap the benefits of being their own boss.

Why You Should Go For It

Entrepreneurs with disabilities report that “being able to work from a particular location, in hours that suit the individual, can be hugely liberating.” Working set hours, such as the typical 9-to-5 schedule, can be difficult for those with disabilities, especially if the disability tends to be worse in the mornings, like with Multiple Sclerosis. Similarly, veterans who return home with disabilities find it difficult to work these hours or to work with a new disability, and those suffering from mental health disabilities tend to benefit from a more flexible schedule.

Travelling can also be difficult for people with disabilities, particularly those with mobility issues, such as someone confined to a wheelchair. If you were to own your own home-based business, you could work hours that accommodate your needs and set up a home office that fits your lifestyle.

Starting your own business also means you get to decide what tasks to assign yourself, so there’s no worry about duties that are difficult for you to tackle. Likewise, you don’t have to worry about not getting assigned work because someone else doesn’t think you can handle it, even though you can. You get to determine your role within the company from day one, and you can modify that role as you see fit.


Running your company from your home will save you money since you won’t have to rent or purchase property, but you’ll still need to find funding for other aspects to your business. Freebies are hard to come by, so when you come across someone offering free help, don’t pass up the offer. Small Business Development Centers (SBDCs) are located all across the United States and support and promote small businesses by offering face-to-face business consulting and at-cost training on a variety of valuable topics, including accessing capital, writing business plans, marketing, technology, development and more. Take advantage of this opportunity and find an SBDC near you.

Although federal and state governments do not offer grants for disabled people looking to start a business, they do offer loans with admirable interest rates and grants for entrepreneurs in general. Many private companies also offer loans specifically targeted at disabled entrepreneurs. Grants may be available through colleges and universities.

If you do not get 100% funded from one place, combine funding from multiple avenues. For example, a chef in Chicago worked with her local SBDC to write a business plan, obtain permits and licenses, and launch her corporation. Their combined efforts helped her harness a grant from the University of Illinois at Chicago for $5K, a grant from the Illinois Department of Rehabilitation services for almost $29K, and a microloan from Accion for $7K.

Finding People

In order for any business to be successful, it needs customers. Since you won’t have a storefront in the community for people to find you, you’ll need to utilize social media. Almost every business uses at least one social media platform, so it’s an easy way to reach your audience. Attend events and network with the community and other businesses. Do a giveaway for people to sample your product your product or service.

Once you start your fan base, get them to help you grow it even further. Word-of-mouth referrals from other customers grow your audience and make your business more appealing. Consider providing coupons or discounts in exchange for referrals and reviews. You can also offer a small commission on referrals.

You may be a veteran who is returning home with a disability and cannot fathom working 9-to-5 shift. Perhaps you suffer from a mental health illness, and the ebb and flow of the office environment exacerbates your symptoms. Or maybe you’re confined to a wheelchair, and transportation is a major hurdle for you. No matter your disability obstacle in the workforce, home-based entrepreneurship can offer a way for you to avoid the barriers and work comfortably on your own terms. With a little help and a lot of planning, you can successfully make it happen.

TV Review: Black Box

I haven’t done this in a while so forgive me if it’s not perfect. I wasn’t even going to do this, but I have to in a weird way. 


We assume the people that we see in our daily life is normal and doesn’t have any skeletons in their closets. We reassure ourselves that the professionals are perfectly healthy in their both their personal and professional lives, but we don’t live in a perfect world. We all have our problems, sometimes there are more people out there with worse conditions. In the life of ABC’s new show Black Box leading female character Dr. Catherine Black is a famous neurologist who has a good family, a loving boyfriend who wishes to marry her, and a great career of taking care of patients who are like her in a way. You see, Catherine also known as Kate is bipolar and the only people who know about it is her older brother and his family, plus her shrink she sees on a daily basis. The series is about the constant struggle between the two Catherine Black’s, the one who takes her medicine everyday and the woman who loves the incredible high of being free of everything, her emotions, thoughts, and the drugs that make her “normal.” In just the first ten minutes of the first episode you get a mini roller coaster ride of both sides to not only this troubled woman, but also the patients she treats as well.

I have been seeing the previews on my TV for a while, probably two or three months now. At first, it didn’t seem interesting but as I kept watching it them every time they came up during the commercials. I couldn’t fight it, I had to see what it was really about, the previews weren’t enough to really try to understand her. Kelly Reilly plays Dr. Catherine Black, and after finishing it a little bit ago, she really brought out the character in every shade that she could. Catherine can smart, brilliant, and loving to the ones she’s around but then when she’s off her meds she’s the total opposite. In the words of Dr. Black, “sometimes I do very bad things.” You feel some sympathy for her because you can see the lost in her eyes but the beast living inside grows stronger and stronger and she loses it. I think there’s two key importances within the her story. One is we assume too quickly. Not every disability is curable and easy to see through the naked eye. I’ve never really understood that statement until now. Can you imagine to how many doctors, nurses, politicians, musicians, actors, and others are living with a mental illness. Sometimes it may not be them, but they might have it in their families. Kelly’s character got the illness from her mother, who committed suicide when Catherine and her brother were young. Catherine has said in the first episode a lot, because of her mother and the disorder. She thinks if her mother couldn’t handle her children, she wouldn’t be either.

The second importance is you see a lot about Catherine’s good side when she’s around her niece and her patients. Two patients were introduced on the episode, one is very young and in college but he draws constantly on the walls and imagines things. Past doctors have concluded that he has schizophrenia, but Black sees something else within him and leads it into another diagnoses instead. The other patient is a lady, who was probably in her early or mid 60’s who have hullucinatios of dwarves. One you come to know as “Yojo” and she has dementia that’s slowly advancing. Dr. Black orders her to be on medicine to make her stop seeing her friends, but when Kate goes off her medicine again, she takes back her original orders. The ending is a somewhat happy ending for that character. I hate watching Catherine’s battle with her disease but it is a very interesting matter of how she’s able to keep it hidden from not only her patients but her peers as well. I can’t wait for the next few episodes to see what happens next of the life of Dr. Catherine Black and her patients she treats. I think this show will open Pandora’s Box of we see with our own eyes and let someone treat us. Watch “Black Box” starring Kelly Reilly and Vanessa Redgrave, on ABC at 9/10pm EST.

Intruders Of The Mind

UntitledSince I was born, I could hear everything around me more clearly than my parents. I could hear their feet getting up out of bed when I would cry in the middle of the night. When they would go into the kitchen, grab a bottle out of the fridge, fill it up and warm it up in the microwave and then walk up the stairs again to come comfort me and as I got older I learned how many steps they took to be next to me. The amount of steps to take was 26. I don’t have OCD, but hearing more than a normal person has created other illnesses within me to keep me from being a normal person. It started when I was about five years old, I would have a nightmare about an ugly monster living inside my closet. It would come out when I was in a deep sleep, but I would hear it breathing next to my ear. It steps heavy on the floor and bumps into my dressers and drawers, making the books and stuffed animals fall off. Funny thing was, when I would wake up that monster would be the size of a seed but it made that much of racket and created the illusion of a bigger monster was to come later. When he waved at me from down on the floor, my tears would start to fall and I’d cry for my parents when they’d come in to be near me they would say “nothing’s there” but yet he would be there with his hand crossed looking at me slyly, I’d still be crying and my parents kept saying “there was nothing to be afraid of what’s not there.” They were real and I had created them in my mind.

When I was a teenager, the monsters got smaller and smaller until they turned into words. Every word, every sentence became a bigger monster. When I would go to school, the voices would start to shout at me, telling me to kill and love each of them to pieces. Every person I came into eye contact with was being judged with another voice inside my mind. “She is ugly!” one would say, in a high falsetto voice. “I think she’s pretty!” another would say, this time in a child’s voice. The ones that would whisper deep within, was from a demonic voice saying the words “kill her.” I had to fight back the tears in my seat, from the age five to 17 I would pee my pants in fear of the chaos inside. They would not leave me alone. Instead of being the good child when I came home from school, I would go into my room and throw my bag full of homework that will be completely and I went into my escape and that’s where the voices were at their peak and I was free to cry in silence. I would crawl underneath my bed and look up to the wooden box that the bed springs were resting on. So many memories lied within the words already written in place. Each bed I ever had, had words and sentences that never made sense to anyone but myself. It would be covered with the truth and lies of what each voice would say about myself, my parents, and what the outside would thought of me.

I tried to get help as a young age, but there was no helping the demons that appeared on top of the shrinks head, they were tickling their ears and nose. They traveled down their bodies were loose hairs and giggle their way down and stomp on his shoulders, thighs, knees, toes, and fingers with such force you would think thee pain was caused from falling down a large case of stairs. It was hard to heal what was easily the best form entertainment to an only child. When they would ask, “what do you see, child?” I would freeze up as I had made a promise to one of the monsters that I would never describe them to anybody, but when I was 15 I couldn’t take the pressure of keeping in a dumb secret like this. “They look like little elves, but not like Santa’s elves. They cause chaos to everything I look at and the pain you’re feeling right now was made from them right now.” I gave up trusting them as they were tearing me apart piece by piece. When the shrink looked at himself and saw the places that were burning of pain, nothing was there. “Don’t say what my parents said to me as a kid. They do exist. They’re there, I can only see them.” I would say out loud in front of the shrink, who would start writing in his pad of paper again. When it was time to leave, he excused me out of his office into the waiting area so he could discuss my actions with my parents. When they came out, they had a small piece of paper in my mother’s hand of a prescription  of a medicine that would “help” cure the monsters that roamed freely around me. That first day was pure heaven; I was normal for once. I was no longer looking for them anymore or counting how many steps a person took in the house. Seventeen days later, the monsters had found a way into my ear canal and said clearly, “we’re back.”

Some of them where from the elves, as some where formed from the people I had meant around town. I had remembered what each person who talked to me sounded like and mimicked their voice to make them say what a monster would say. I was in a panic, I was being good and taking my medicine but we would run out for three days at a time to get a new refill, it was like a jail sentence all over again. They were just voices, some in accents and others in softer tones. It was exhausting to have them back filling the void of being normal. They said they had mourned that I had destroyed their bodies, but since I had a great memory I had brought them back to life with their voices. It was scary to think that thirty days ago, I could only hear one voice, my voice. Now here they were again, making me write underneath my bed. Writing instructions of what I should do and who I should be. They would be angry that when I was on my medicine I had slashed “x’s” on each rule and then once they were done yelling at me, I was back to sanding each part down with new wood and I’d be right back to were I had started. I wasn’t alone in my mind but I had so longed to be again. When the pharmacy refilled my contains, I felt like unbalance of happiness and conflict between the demons and myself. I wanted to be a good person again, but they controlled my body the most. At my worst, my parents would have to hold me down to force feed me the pills in order for me to take them. I was consumed with them that I fought hard to regain strength in not taking them at all, even spitting them out while my father held my head and hushing me to relax, if two pills escaped from my tongue to reach them and go down the back of my throat, down to my stomach, I could feel the demons running away.

I would be crying for my friends who nobody had ever meant or seen. I had tried to make myself gag in hopes of the pills spilling out in the process. My parents would be there, holding me tightly as I sat there waiting for the medicine to reach the source and then the sounds and feel of heaven erupted inside and the enemy was gone. As days went on, my mother and I were closer and my father and I bonded over our common traits, hair, eyes, and our love of golf. When the sun was high up in the sky and the birds sang away in the trees, I cried tears of joy of what I was surrounded by, a believable heaven that only a person who has once lived in a hell could only see. Rain and storms never terrified me because of the demons I have faced that were much more scarier than something could easily break trees, power lines and rip roofs off a house. I had a chance to analyze what I was able to experience without a monster waking me like a dream. Each day was the same, just different dates and conversations. At the end of every month was also the same, everytime I had tried to break a pill in half at the last two weeks of the month, I’d be out again and they’d start to creep back in. It was heartbreaking to feel the darkness swept in like wind, my family was in fear of letting me out of the house when I was out or ever leaving me alone in my bedroom for the fear of my demons taking over and I’d have nothing left to drown the agony, they knew I had stashed a knife somewhere in my room but didn’t know where. I didn’t ever know where until the time of ten voices came waltzing inside the core of my brain. It was a constant struggle; a beautiful chaos inside my ruined mind.