Dear Papaw IV

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Dear Papaw,

It is me again.

I decided to do this letter while I sat on the edge of my bed staring at my fairy lights hanging down around the only window in the room while listening to sad love songs. They’re bright like your spunk, and I miss it dearly. I’ve been looking for an endless supply of laugher as it has become the best form of medicine for me lately. I am also finally understanding why you liked to sit in the quiet. It’s hauntingly peaceful.

Lots have happened since I wrote to you last, and I’m sure you know everything. The new house. Dad’s watching basketball again. He watched majority of this season, going between Butler and IU. There were a few times that we both agreed you would be furious about, especially since each team had a good start but once the conference games began all heck broke loose. And then to top it off, the Coronavirius outbreak. We were furious but yet not surprised by the cancellation of all games–men and women! They even cancelled my NBA games! Last Thursday, we had a Butler game (which is how I found out about the NCAA announcement) earlier in the day and then I was suppose to have both Rockets and Lakers games. I hadn’t watched a game for about five days and the one time I was ready, this happens!

Emily has graduated and hoping to start her journey to get her master’s degree. And you were probably apart of the journey with Brittany to visit nana and everybody up north last fall. Thank goodness I did not throw up in her car! She probably wouldn’t let me back in that car again… I’m hoping you’ll be part of the mini adventure coming up too. No pressure or anything, because you know how loud we can get sometimes!

You would love to hang out with Nolan. He is fun but has a lot more energy than anybody else! He is interested in cars and trucks. We haven’t exactly introduced trains to me yet. He has his own sound effects that are absolutely adorable! He can say several words, I think the last count was over 40! Apparently trying to say “Meggie” or just plain Meghan is a little harder to do, but I am a naturally patient person so I will wait for the day he comes out of his mouth and when that day comes, I’ll probably cry right in front of him!

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Another thing he loves is music. I don’t know whether or not you’d be proud of an almost two year old knowing all of the words to “Cool” by Jonas Brothers. I mean, they’re no Stan Kenton, but he does sound cute whenever he does the chorus. Oh, and the dancing too! He definitely has some rhythm in his bones, even if they like hurt every other day. I think you’d wonder why he has pains like an elderly person (this was as good as you’re going to get. I mean, I could have said someone in their 80’s, but I think nana would feel offended!) but also still feel bad for him. He’ll be the only one in his age group, who will know every time the weather changes.

Okay, I think I am done ranting about things. Although, I think you like hearing how things are going lately. If I can remember, maybe I’ll write to you again on your birthday. We’ll have to see how everything goes first. I wonder if you’ve become a patient person. It seems a bit weird saying that out loud, but I am a little curious.

I hope you’re doing very well wherever you are right now. Keep watching over everybody if you can. We love and miss you lots. Bye.

Your granddaughter,

Meg-han.

Know Your Exit

I’ve never been one to hide any true feelings from both the past and the present.

So I have something to release right now.

It’s been a strange two years now. I’ve been learning how to deal with some very important things in my life. I feel like I’ve been detoxing the negativity in my life. I’ve been feeling a lot of pride in myself to be able to do that in this stage of my life. Being that I am still young, I know I’ve still got lots to deal with later on in life, but at least I’ll know how to “treat” myself in the good and bad. I’m still trying to figure out the whole mediation thing. I’ve tried doing it twice, but I’ve still been getting quite confused on what I’m supposed to be doing. Anyways, I’ve learned to not count every boring day as bad. If three good things happened throughout your day, it was good! I hardly get mad at anything, however the times I do, stay away from me! I’ve been learning how to breathe slowly in through my nose and exhale out of my mouth, imagine myself feeling calmer. I hardly ever worry anymore, because why worry about things when you can’t change about how they started or how they’ll end. That’s just a few things I’ve been really working on in the past year.

Blogging becomes a big help in finding my inner peace too. I can just talk about (not everything) a bunch of things that might be bothering me. Sometimes it’s like an itch, you have to talk about it. Through blogging I’ve leaned that I may be helping somebody else in whatever is going on with their lives too. It has nothing to do with my disability–it’s just a feeling that you can be relatable to somebody else’s thoughts and feelings. So I’ll start by saying that we’ve all crushes sometime in our lives, I find we usually get crushes our crushes on the opposite sex while we’re in school. When everything is over, not only do some of your friendships end, but so do some of your interest in those crushes too. Only a couple rarely still exist a few years later. By then, the connection is off and everything that you liked about that person may be a lot different now, like physical features, likes in music etc. It can either be a great release of that person and/or it could break your heart that maybe you have moved on from that person.

I’ve felt a lot of joy in having a lot of crushes in many stages in my life–in school, I’ve said since I was in a wheelchair, I was more of the perfect friend than a girlfriend in general. Recently, I’ve realized that maybe the guys that I’ve always wondered why they never gave me a chance, were only being nice and treating me like a friend to them were actually saving me. Even though, I still remember the broken heart everytime each one would get a girlfriend. I would usually cry my eyes out at night and my poor nana and mom had to hear me each and every time it happened. Whenever one was in a relationship, I did manage to find a new one to replace that one, which I find now a great thing. I wasn’t obsessed with them and their girlfriends, even though in the beginning I had tried to befriend their girlfriends. By the end of my high school years, I had grown out of that and switched my loves to celebrities. So maybe falling in love Ian Somerhalder had its good intentions in 2009.

When every one of my crushes finds somebody, I’m truly happy for them. I’m glad that they’ve found somebody to love them always. I think it’s a great thing for me to realize this now, as a single woman. It shows that I can move on. It shows others that just because they meant so much to you at one time, you can move on from them without being bitter about it. It’s all a learning process of course! Some can make it happen and then there are those who can be obsessed with that person to the point were they’ll do anything and everything to ruin the relationships that person they may be crushing on and that is never cool. Be a lady or gentleman and let that person go, you both deserve a chance at love but maybe it’s not meant to be with each other and you’re just going to have to accept it. So to all my old crushes, yes I once had a thing for you. If you’ve found yourself in a great relationship or maybe even in marriage, I wish you all the best and thank you for never ignoring me and making only a good friend. That’s all that matters now.

Journal Me Up.

I’ve been thinking lately, yet I think all the time. I can’t seem to turn off my brain half the time. Anyways, I’ve been thinking about writing down my feelings. Not writing them in song or poem form, but just thoughts of how I’m feeling and closing the cover and hoping nobody reads them. I still think every notebook should a dead bolt to lock everything.

I have two notebooks on my floor right now. I’d rather use the green one since it’s the biggest one I’ve got. My red one just has some things written in it, I need to tear out and throw away. The green one has stuff that need to go in the trash too, but my trash can is kind of filled at the moment. Gonna have to wait on that for a bit.

I’ve had some good and bad thoughts floating around in my head. Sometimes I’d like to blog them out, but yet I have family reading this and they’d read my thoughts and want to ask. Thank god for the ones who don’t ask questions. I have dreams at night that I’d like to write about, but they’re kind of bad. Even if I write them down or post them on here somebody’s gonna go, “oh, she’s crazy!” I would have to agree with that statement actually. I just need to let everything go. I just need to release everything. Maybe if I do that, I’ll start healing from all the pain.