Weird Feelings, Batman, And A Glitter Pumpkin

I’ve been going a hard time at the moment.

I don’t know what to call whatever I’ve been feeling in the last few days, it’s been difficult to get myself out of it I will say that. I don’t know if it’s an early sign of my depression creeping out of the shadows again, but I’m already feeling weird about it. The really sad part of all is that the feelings of lost, confusion, and silence (for my case, that’s not good) came about two days before the celebration of my birthday weekend. It was there deep inside my soul and I could feel it rising slowly. I’ve been telling people, that I’m feeling really lazy. Which it could be, in all honesty I’d love it if I was wrong and these are signs of the flu or something. Anything but the deep hole again.

Tuesday, my sister and her boyfriend, who I’ll be calling him “Batman” on here because he’s a HUGE Batman fan. As a Marvel fan, I feel he’s like Hydra and a traitor because he likes a DC character more. I never said any of this to me, but I’m sure my sister will be reading this part to him and letting him know about what I think about his taste in characters. I have nothing against Batman, I loved Christian Bale in the Batman movies and I’ve actually supported Ben Affleck in the role for the future movies. Anyways, Blondie and Batman came over to my nana’s Tuesday afternoon. Mom had a late afternoon as it rained the entire day! I was still surprised she took me over there while it was raining. She did my grandparent’s errands and the twins went with her. It’s never official if my sister’s boyfriend doesn’t go to the store with my mom. For some reason, this is now a tradition. Not saying my sister’s had a lot of boyfriends or anything, but the ones that have met our grandparents and ate at their house have to go through the grocery store once in a while.

He came back to our house and we ate pizza and bread sticks. Another rule we have is that every person that comes to the house has to get through the barking of our dog ChiChi. The smallest dog is like a little devil. Nobody gets through her and she’s starting to get bad, we were all dreading to go home! She did better than what we were all expecting her to act. She only barked and growled at him if he made any sudden movements or walked from one side of the house to the other. Poor guy! We educated the boy with having him watch the movie Major Payne. He told Blondie that he hadn’t seen it and that led to that night of both of them on the small couch, I got to sit in my dad’s chair, which was uncomfortable! Mom sat on her couch and on her phone practically the whole time. Once it got towards the end of the movie, we were all feeling bored with it and Batman realized that he had seen parts of the film. I think I mentioned to mom that we should show him what ChiChi likes to do when the The Golden Girls is on. She went in her DVR and put on one of the episodes so it played the theme song and she just let it rip! Howled the whole freaking song! Of course after she finished she thought she deserved a treat so mom got her one from dad’s ole stash. He’s got her all spoiled!

On Wednesday, I went back over to my nana’s as we still had one last big pumpkin to finish. Who says just because it’s no longer October that you can’t decorate anymore pumpkins? I think when it becomes December, that’s when it’s not cool to do them anymore. Anyways, we had decided to decorate it with glitter a few weeks ago. We did a LOT of things backwards. We were not prepared at all. I could have basically talked and ate my head off the whole day without working on it and I’d been fine. This pumpkin was the largest of the bunch I swear! Since it so large it was very difficult for both of us get it off the floor and onto our stool. So we basically spent a good 25-30 minutes trying to get the aluminium foil and newspapers to cooperate with us so we could arrange it onto our improvised area. It was the worst idea ever! Because as we were putting on the glue and spilling majority of the glitter on the pumpkin, I noticed as she was trying to move on its side that the glitter wasn’t just on the paper/foil. It was going on the kitchen floor too. I felt like shit because I was the one who poured the blue on it and the excess fall over it and a good amount of it was in a circle on her carpet. By the end of it, the only three colors we used you could easily notice was the light blue and red. Thankfully, she has this swiper and it got most of it, so now the floor looks like the stars are on her blue carpet.

Thursday…. I don’t know if I should say I felt lazy or just lonely. I even had Oliver, Midget and Stormy come into my room and lay on my bed, I even got an Eskimo kiss from Stormy too! It was so cute and sweet! He’s starting to understand that he is allowed to lay out on my bed too. Since I’ve been feeling a little off I’ve been watching a LOT of TV such as Family Feud. Good God that show is awesome! Steve Harvey is the best host since Richard Dawson. I’ve been enjoying some new tunes. Lots of One Direction, my mom got me an iTunes over the weekend and I bought two 1D songs. Technically I didn’t have to buy “Little Things” as I had it already on our old format but it never downloaded when we put it on my laptop. I’m still missing a lot of music that was on my old iPod. This is how my week has been for me. I’m hoping it’s just the gloomy weather making all weird. Hopefully by the weekend I’ll feel better, but we’ll see!




The mess of the finishing project. The part you never see in the normal DIY/craft posts!

Home Away From Home

It’s happened again. I still feel like its May and the summer’s just starting, instead it’s ending and my sister is gone to her new school for the year. This time, she’s a little bit closer to home but it’s still pretty difficult to wrap your head around as she’s been at home since the first week of May and had a job. Now she’s gone somewhere else to sleep and be for the next six months until Christmas break comes around. I’m sure she’ll come back before any of the major holidays but still though. I was for sure that by the time we left the house this afternoon to get her settled into her dorm room, my mom was going to lose it and just start bawling her eyes out. Well, she did but it was for something else or so she told us. Blondie seemed to do better this time around though, her face turned red but that could’ve been the heat warming up her cheeks too. Yesterday, it was a beautiful calm and somewhat cool temperature wise kind of day, today it was the total opposite and hot as hell. Thank god there was a breeze or else the three of us could have melted into a puddle just packing her stuff from the parking lot to her dorm building. Getting there wasn’t the problem, it was happened while we were trying to find a way to bring everything inside in one load that pushed us to our limits. 

I’m pretty used to my family using my wheelchair as a mule and carrying their heavy bags and stuff, but I just thought that’s all I would have to carry inside. Uh-uh. My sister had to have like four pillows, a large black blanket, and her St. Louis Cardinals teddy bear that I ended up carrying inside the building. Oh my gosh, I had the blanket behind my back and I had to lean back to make sure it wasn’t going to slide right out of there. My mom put the two medium size pillows on my lap and I held her teddy bear in between my hand. Somehow I managed to keep everything in their places until we got inside and then everything started coming undone from their places. My mom carried a large size box and my sister had the doyley and that had like four different things on it. So you should have seen the two of us going up and down ramps from crossing the streets. It was an event let me tell you! When we got inside, there were people inside but it wasn’t too packed. We got in there and my mom and sister were trying to figure out where the elevator was as my sister was trying to get her key for her room. They didn’t have an elevator in the building, at least not a public elevator. Some random guy that was helping out the incoming students fill our their forms and get their keys asked rudely up in my mom and sister’s faces and asked, Why do you need an elevator? My sister put him in his place quick with My sister’s handicapped and she needs an elevator to get up there to help us. I couldn’t help but think to myself and wonder if I had too much stuff on my chair for him to think I was driving a wheelchair into the freaking building. They let me use the maintenance elevator and considering the size of it I felt like I was back at school again.

It was incredibly small! I remember the elevator my Elementary used to have to get up and down the stage in the gym was pretty small. I’m pretty sure this sucker was smaller though. I had to follow these two people, now the guy that I rode with I never asked what his name was and I asked him a lot of questions and sadly that wasn’t one of them. Darn it! The girl though, her name was Patricia and she was nice, they were both very nice. She asked me while we were walking to the elevator, where I was from and I told her and she asked us about the drive and I told her it was pretty short than the last time and then she asked about random things about my hometown, the question that made me feel very weird was when she asked me if we had a Wal-Mart. I told her no and then she started naming off different places and I kept saying no, but I told her we had a JayC’s. I had never felt more like a hick in my life. I’ve NEVER felt like that before getting those questions and I wonder why we get made fun of on a daily basis. After we got upstairs, to me the whole dorm looked and felt like a prison. I mean, the room was nice and everything but it just felt weird and it might be because Blondie’s first dorm building was brand NEW and so it had that fresh feeling about everything to it. Mom and Blondie unloaded my back-end of my chair and I went back downstairs with this awesome no-name dude who ends up being a firefighter. If you’re wondering yes, he was cute!

When we got back downstairs I voted to stand guard of everything by the doyley and watch my mom almost trip on herself going up the damn stairs. I didn’t even see it per se, I just heard her say softly “shit” and quickly recover and then I realized what happened. While they were gone, I was basically trying to keep to myself but be polite to everybody coming and going into the building. During the third time they went upstairs, this guy came up to me and his name was LeRoy and oh my god was he cute! He actually came up to me and started talking to me and I was very impressed with myself, I didn’t stutter my words like I usually do. He asked me some of the same questions the girl did, but I told him that I tried to go there at the school once. When he asked me what I was going to major in, I felt embarrassed to say it in front of him but I told him that I don’t get along well with music theory. I was going for Audio Recordings. His friend and another staff worker, came up to me and introduced himself to me and he was so nice and handsome. He even gave me this Christian kick off party slip and I think I freaked him out when he tried to put it in my head and I lifted up my foot instead. It’s always nice to freak people out especially when they’re good about it too. He put it in my foot and I held it there for a bit before giving it to Blondie as she’ll be going there and not me. When we finally got everything unloaded, we left and went across to Financial Aid which was in it’s last hour before closing and then we got everything set up for her parking too. I think we were there for three or four hours but since it only takes like an half of hour to get there, it wasn’t that big of a hassle.

I find it every year that we do this, even though this is the second year we’ve done this. I’m REALLY glad that I’m not going to school. I know that I say that every day of the normal school year, but I still don’t want to go back to college. It’s been four freaking years since that first year and I still have very clear memories of how I acted towards my family and how much I hated everybody for not giving me the chance to do something that THEY knew wasn’t such a good idea. I wanted to live on campus REALLY bad, but to me like everybody else. My mom knew that I’d only want to live on campus to go to the parties. I wanted to get out of the house bad. I wanted to start living on my own, but since I’m stubborn I couldn’t see all of the things it takes for me to even be left at home alone for thirty minutes. Now that I’ve realized all these different things that goes on, I can’t just think of my “wants” and “needs” there’s so much more than what I think, or in this case thought. Blondie isn’t handicapped but she still has lots of things she needs to know before getting herself into first. Sometimes I feel like the more she lives this house, the quicker the time will be before she’ll get an apartment or a house one day and I’ll still be at the same place. Maybe one day things will change and I’d figure out what I wanted to do in this world, until then I’m pretty comfortable with blogging and listening to music.

I took this just before we left and this was my mom's backseat and this picture doesn't even give it justice as to how full it was back there, but it wasn't as bad as Plummer.
I took this just before we left and this was my mom’s backseat and this picture doesn’t even give it justice as to how full it was back there, but it wasn’t as bad as Plummer.
My mom found this in the hallway. At least they knew that everybody will eventually go to a college party in their lifetime.
My mom found this in the hallway. At least they knew that everybody will eventually go to a college party in their lifetime.
I found Blondie's room a lot bigger than her room up at ISU honestly and as you can see, they have carpet. Another difference!
I found Blondie’s room a lot bigger than her room up at ISU honestly and as you can see, they have carpet. Another difference!

I Break Too


I hope everybody is having a wonderful Monday. It’s the last week of the month of July as All That Glitters’  Candice reminded me. It also doesn’t help that schools here are going to start back up on FRIDAY! What the crap? When did they start so early? And why? Because you know they’ll be released at the exact same time every year. Our winters are never the same I get, but still if you’re still not going to release the staff and students on an earlier week than you usually do whenever we don’t have bad weather in the winter months then why bother? I feel bad for every teenager who is going to school a few weeks earlier than the average college student.  I’m having one of those Monday’s, can’t you tell? 

If you follow me on Twitter, you probably just read or reread my tweet I posted about the boys of One Direction. I’m not that big of a fan of theirs. My sister is, but I have been wanting to see their movie This Is Us since I heard it was being released in theaters. I saw that STARZ was going to be playing it a few months ago, it seemed so long ago actually! I finally found it yesterday morning and recorded it on my DVR. I told my sister that I had taped it and asked her if she wanted to watch it with me. She couldn’t last night but we decided to watch this afternoon instead. I was pretty stoked I’m not going to lie, because truth be told she was the one who made me watch Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never movie with her and yes, I did watch it and actually enjoyed it. So she sat on the floor, while I was under the covers on my bed and we watched the movie together.

Since I don’t know much about these boys I thought the movie would explain about their childhoods along with their journey with Britain’s The X Factor and Blondie and I thought that was pretty interesting. Even though it didn’t really let us in on their childhood I was completely okay with that. It’s kind of sad that we were agreeing of how massive the crowds were in different countries. How the fans were crying and going absolutely crazy for them everywhere they went gave me a sense of like you can’t make fun of them, because you know if it was anybody you heavily listen to, you’d be doing the exact same thing but I digress. Anyways, I tweeted that hell might’ve frozen over since I followed three out of the five members of the boy band. Harry, Niall, and Zayn. ♥ Blondie’s totally team Louis if anybody was wondering!

I don’t know what tomorrow has in store but I hope it’s a smooth sailing kind of day that’s all I’m hoping for at least. I can make it a Hemsworth brothers day since I have both Thor: The Dark World and Love and Honor in my DVR as well. I could also try to get passed 60% on The Fault In Our Stars by John Green too. I have no idea at the moment. I’ll figure out when it gets here. Have a good night and great Tuesday! Come back for tomorrow Tune Tuesday, where we head to INDIA! 

Little Moments Of Peace

All I’ve seen today is about the Malaysian plane that got shut down and that killed tons of people. I’ve also seen too many tweets about what’s going on in Israel. I swear the more I heard about the both of these stories the more I thought my own mind was going to explode. What the hell is going on in this world? I’ve had to change up my prayer list twice, I no longer have a few people here and there selected, I’m just praying for the entire world now. It has been so weird today. I kind of felt like it was Christmas again, because that same feeling of being overwhelmed came over me and I’ve been drained and that was even before I took my shower. I have plans for the weekend and my mom came into my room and asked me if I was getting excited, I can’t even lie to her. I was so out of it. Even venting and talking about it with her just made me want to scream into a pillow. I’ve even got some personal stuff going on, so that’s not helping my mind. I’m usually a very positive person and tries to see the good in everything, but I’m so tired of the sorrow and pain. Crying doesn’t help either, which is the reason why I haven’t just let myself go. Nothing seems to be working like it should which concerns me even more.



Blondie took these two pictures of Kelso and Grumpy earlier today and yes, those are her arms too. She lifts weights for fun. Anyways, a little while ago, I was on the floor attempting to play with Silver Moonlight, I got very bored and when my mom put her back outside because she felt very comfortable inside, I grabbed one of these extra little boxes and started writing on them to clear my mind. Sometimes all you need is some good lyrics to help you realize you’re not alone in this world.


“At the end of the day, what will you choose?
Will you keep moving on, or be forced to lose.
Look inside of yourself cause the power’s in you.
There’s always hope, you’re not alone anymore.” 


My Lessons In Walking

10154268_700590980005235_8995835446893024291_nIt’s Throwback Thursday and I wanted to do something special for everybody. I’ve talked about this before but didn’t actually think we had pictures of it until my nana posted a few of these on her Facebook. Do you know I actually used a walker once in my life? It was years ago, but I did do it. When I was in the fourth grade I was at my wit’s end with myself about not being able to walk like my friends, so I talked my therapists and my family into letting me get a walker to do for a few sessions. I thought it was pretty cool to be into something that could possibly get me to walking on my feet like everybody else. On soft surfaces it was the easiest thing to move around and do whatever I wanted, but then after a while it was like swimming. Everything had an uncomfortable spot. If you’re butt wasn’t even on the seat then your pants and the straps would make things complicated to move your leg over.

When I had my surgeries that next year, I had to take a year off of anything hardcore as everybody was very cautious about if I made one false turn my rods would burst out of my back. Of course, I was very concerned about my back too but I’m not the type of person to let something keep me back long. It’s back enough that for three whole years I had to rely on somebody to help me sit up. I never got back to my ole self by getting myself from the floor to the bed. Even though we did try to work on that last summer, things didn’t really work well. The only thing that I still know how to do is get me off my bed and the couches. Everything had to sit back and watch me heal up. When I hit middle school, I wanted to get back into walking again. Well, one of the things that was different from going to elementary to middle school was that certain teachers were not so happy letting the therapists take me out of their classes and walking in a walker with already bad wheels, on carpet was just evil. When we practiced that first year, we went into the gym. When I was in sixth grade everything I wanted to happen just came to shierking halt and it was just devastating to me. I wasn’t strong enough to move around on the carpet with being barefoot and wearing sneakers. I actually ignored my feelings of feeling defeated until it was like last two weeks of school and I wanted to show my friends that I could walk like them, but they were all watching a movie and nobody wanted to see me walk. It kind of hurt me to see everybody that I had always admired not caring about it like I thought they would. I think an hour later I told my therapist I was done with it.

10157306_700589686672031_8932794475012401941_nAs I look back on my time on it, I just wish embracing my beauty in the wheelchair came that easy! For certain things, I tend to get a lot faster. I had always heard that “beauty is pain” and so I think I just accepted being uncomfortable in the walker. It wasn’t so much about being in it and around my friends that made me hate it. It was mostly the fact that when we were taking these pictures, it was gym class and they were playing volleyball. It was a scary experience for me even though I had my aide, physical therapist, mom, and nana in the room watching over me, anything with balls of the size of my head scared the living crap out of me. While I sit in my wheelchair, I feel very empowered and less scared by anything, in this I was much shorter and there was nothing really there to protect me. I still don’t understand why everybody wanted me to join in that day. I usually do other stuff whenever they did these sorts of games anyways.

Sometimes I feel like there are some similarities between doing the walker and the regular push wheelchairs. Besides the no seatbelts, I still have to drag my feet out below and use my toes as my guide. I am still spinning in circles by only using one foot. My back and neck hurt because the back part of the seats are weird and too short for me to relax my body in and both have four wheels that squeal like monkeys everytime I moved around. In a way, I think I belong in my powered wheelchair. I’m more mobile to get from place to place then being in both a push wheelchair and down on the floor. I have always felt like a total badass being in my chair, nobody really messed with me while I’m in it and everybody seems to get out of my way a lot easier knowing I could potentially run over their feet. I just feel very different from all three of them, one gave me a wake up call, one has its ups and downs, and the other just makes me feel like a total badass. I wouldn’t want to change my life. After my experience with trying to “walk” in this thing, I think walking is completely overrated.