Life | Mental Heath Update + Things I CAN Control

TW: talks about the dark side of depression and thoughts of suicide!

Hello!

Last year was so crazy that I ended up forgetting writing a two year post depression/mental health update. The only reason why I’m here now is because it’s been on my mind for the last few months. I am a whole month late but I don’t care about that too much, and I didn’t think you would mind either.

A “little” backstory of my struggle with depression.

I’ve had a semi-long history with it, It started in middle school, and just seemed to get worse after I graduated high school. The prospect of going to college and having to deal with different people, surroundings, etc was really exciting at the time, but you have to understand I wasn’t thinking like I had a serve physical disability. I was always in denial because I wanted to be like my friends, go to a regular class, live in a dorm and go to parties, everything that a normal college person does, I wanted it too.

When hell decided to descend into my life, I took it very hard. I was so depressed that I have MONTHS–between the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2012–of memories gone! I thought of suicide many times, and just because I have a disability, doesn’t mean I never thought of ways on how it could work in my favor. When you are that low, you are as determined to end your life but thankfully, I never acted on those feelings, but every time I felt like I was heading into that suffocating black hole, I was terrified because I knew what was going to happen once it took hold of me again.

And then at the end of 2017, after my sister got been married and told everybody that they were going to wait five years to start trying to have a baby, they find out they were pregnant. I was already trying to deal with the aftermath of my papaw dying, and that one pretty much threw me over and I went down the biggest hole I’d been in since September 2010. I struggled to be happy for them becoming parents, my parents becoming grandparents and the fact that I was going to be an aunt, but I thoroughly jealous of the fact that my younger sister was going to have a baby.

I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own.

It was the one thing that I wanted to accomplish most of all.

Nothing else I ever did would matter as much as being a mother. I thought my disability would be pushed down like it had while I was growing up because I would be more focused on my child(ren) than my disability. This also shows you how much I despised my own body that would one day carry my own flesh and blood, so seeing my sister absolutely hate everything about being pregnant would make me want to scream after every visit! It angered me so much that this was happening, and then my nephew was born and I was instantly full of both good and bad emotions. I felt really guilty, but yet I was still holding on to that dream and so, it just continued to drag me down

I was supposed to have a doctor’s appointment to discuss taking anti-depressants into the middle of the pregnancy, my poor mom had to be my rock throughout those nine months because I was so sad. I would cry almost every night and finally, a week after Nolan was home, I started on my long journey to heal. In my first year update, I mentioned that I would still have my ups and downs, and that is definitely true all around but I will say, I have kept quite a few affirmations in my mind at all times and in the past year that has really helped me continue to work on myself.

I focus on what I can control, and I let go of what I can’t.

Once I saw this, everything in the last 11 years just washed away. It was infectious to learn this quote because now I don’t feel as many things that would easily, not to mention that would normally, irritate me because I know I am in control (oddly enough!) of my own body and peace of mind. The only thing I still have issues with, is my guilt about my sister being pregnant with my nephew. I still put myself in a guilt trip every once in a while but I am learning to get out of it before the whole thing just takes over, so that’s something to be proud of I think.

I should probably share that if you haven’t learned to control how you react to the different situations, like talking back, judging a book by its cover, learning that no response is still an answer, you probably won’t be able to really let things settle down. You don’t have to right every time. You respect the other person’s words and you go on living yours by your own measure. These are things you CAN control, which brings us to the next phase of this post.

I have a blog friend by the name of Nicky and she recently posted a photo of herself on Instagram last month and explained how life was going for her at the moment. She was feeling really out of it and discussed about dealing with finding control in daily life and she proceeded to create a list of things she could control, and I liked it so much that I decided I wanted to talk about it too, but in “Got Meghan” fashion, I like to chat and ramble on–obviously! I knew doing a simple Top 10 list wasn’t going to cut it, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone basically and this was the ending result I guess.

  1. How to breathe, because not many people have the luxury to do so
  2. Everything is by choice in life and dreamland
  3. Reaction to both positive and negative situations
  4. The book(s) I want to read next – for the most part!
  5. I can help people understand more about me, the ending result will not always be in my favor, but that’s the price to pay.
  6. If things don’t come to me at the right moment or fit into my monthly blogging schedule, I can always save it for a later date.
  7. Accepting myself, ALL of my self and being in the moment
  8. One-on-one time with the cats – even if they don’t like to share!
  9. What songs to include in my Spotify playlists
  10. Creativity to the arts, especially starting new medias and projects

Before I go, I would like to say that if you can, find someone to talk about your depression, whether it’s through a therapist, family member, best friend, co-worker, basically anyone you feel the most comfort and trust with your feelings but if you are unable to, I highly suggest writing about it. You could create a blog like I did, although deep in my haze I wasn’t in the mood to blog about anything, so maybe find a journal or if you are worried about someone seeing a diary or journal, keep a regular notebook like you would keep for school assignments, and write in there secretly. Of course, the best advice I can give you is the National Hopeline Network is completely free and the number is 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). There is another one I am giving you and that is, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and their number is, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I hope if you are struggling with life, whether you have a disability or not, I want to say, you’re not alone at all. There are ways you can thrive with life again.

My only question is, can you list out 10 things you CAN control like I did above?

The Goodreads Challenge |Top 20 Books For 2020!

Howdy!

If you are a lover of Goodreads, you probably vote for your favorites of the year in December and when January comes along you make up an estimate of how many books you would like to read that year. I don’t participate in the yearly votes but I do try to create the reading challenge at the beginning of the year; now I usually pick a very low number because I have never had a large selection of books that I actually wanted to read during the course of the year. This year, I feel a change taking place within me. I want to read more, I really do. So, that’s why I am taking the plunge and updating my original goal of 5 books to 20!

I have to say before we continue on with this post, I was inspired to write this after spending a couple of days on Twitter checking out other blogs. Anna from The Bursting Bookshelf does the weekly Top Ten Tuesday challenge and she shared the newest prompt of the week which was “Top Ten Books Added To Your Bookshelf” or something like that. I thought this could be an awesome way to share the rest of the books I bought with that Amazon card in December. So, after reading this post, please go take a look at her blog too!

So, as of right now I have only completed one book and I think this looks promising! I haven’t figured out all of the books I’ll be reading this year, but I can give you the top 15 books for now and maybe I will update you later! I tend to check out the free books a lot during the week so it could grow into a bigger list in the next couple of months, but we’ll see what happens!

  1.  After You by JoJo Moyes | click here to read my review now!
  2.  Five Feet Apart by Rachael Lippincott* | the book review will be up on Friday!
  3.  Ride Me Dirty by Vanessa Vale
  4. P.S. I Still Love You by Jenny Han* | I am back on the Lara Jean/Peter love train!
  5.  Wicked Beat by Olivia Cunning
  6. Wonder by R.J. Palacio*
  7. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
  8. Throne Of Glass by Sarah J. Maas
  9. The Husband Hunters by Anne de Courcy
  10. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
  11. Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen*
  12. Head Over High Heels by Lila Monroe
  13. Down The Rabbit Hole by Holly Madison
  14. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn*
  15. A Court Of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas

As you can see, I have a lot of books that I can read in 2020 already! The books with the [*] at the end mean I want to watch the film after finishing it.

I have already completed After You, the second in the Me Before You series. The next five books listed are almost finished, everybody is over 50% of the way done so I’m hoping to get through before I get to Wonder. I would also like to mention that all but one is on my Kindle. I have the physical copy of the second book in the Jenny Han series stuffed into my bookshelf for when I am ready for it!

I don’t know what made me purchase Jane Eyre, Pride & Prejudice and Little Woman. I feel like it was a mixture of curiosity and wanting to explore the classics a little bit too. There are a couple of other books on this list that were bought by my mom a few years ago, and I’m glad I can read them now! She read both Down The Rabbit Hole and Gone Girl. They were the only ones that I felt were interesting to me! I’m trying to convince her to get Sally Fields memoir so we can buddy read, but so far no good!

If you want to check out on my progress throughout the year or want to see the other books I’ve read in the past, you can add me as a friend on Goodreads! Click the “G” symbol on the sidebar on the right with the rest of my links.

What are you currently reading now? Are you taking part in the Goodreads 2020 challenge? If you are, how many books do you want to read this year?

snowflake

Blogmas | The Christmas Day Tag!

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Howdy!

I think every Blogmas I’ve done, I always have some kind of Christmas tag in the lineup. I’ve never planned on any of them, by the time the season rolls around, they just appear at the right time, so I just end up doing them anyways!

I found this one while on Twitter. A fellow blogger Nina posted her link through the many retweet accounts and it came up on my newsfeed. When I first read it, I quickly realized that I hadn’t done it before and that it was all about what goes on Christmas day. I thought it would be fun to kind of guess what’ll happen that day a few weeks in advance, and maybe I’ll find out everything I said in my answers was right. Sometimes I like placing bets on myself, keeps things entertaining on those boring gloomy days!

It is a tag, but I am opening it up to anyone who wants to do it. If you end up answering the questions below, I would like to read your posts! So, please link it back to me at the end, okay? Have fun!

What time do you wake up?

It varies with every year honestly, but it is always very early! I’m not saying we get up at like three or four in the morning–when I was little, my sister and I tried to make this happen on more than one occasion; it actually happened once, we were proud of ourselves!–but we tend to get up around sevenish. When my grandparents lived in town, this was our usual schedule: wake up at 7am, play for 10 minutes and then rush to get ready to go to nana and papaw’s by 8am. This might be the way, Blondie and Brandon do it this year, but I could be wrong.

Where will you be spending the day?

So, since we no longer go to my grandparent’s house, it’ll just be my immediate family gathering at our new house! I am actually really excited to celebrate it here, we were jipped last year but we want to make up for it.

What will you be wearing?

I have a really cute pajama set, they are white with little Cardinals sitting on tiny branches and red leaves. It is made of velvet, so they are comfy and warm – perfect for Christmas I think!

What games will you be playing?

We don’t really play any games, at least not with my parents. Nolan will probably play with his cars for the “short” time before we unwrap presents. I don’t think my parents, mainly my dad, to have my little nephew wait even five minutes to dig into the gifts under the tree! He’s always been awful about that, but he has turned into a big softie when it comes to him.

What will you be eating and drinking?

So, during Thanksgiving, my mom is the one that tends to do the bulk of the cooking but dad is in charge of the turkey and gravy. However, when it comes to Christmas, this is where he tends to shine the most. He loves making big Christmas breakfasts.

We usually have any way you take your eggs, bacon, fried potatoes, sausage and cinnamon rolls. Sometimes he makes me breakfast burritos or quesadilla, but if he doesn’t, my go-to is the potatoes with ketchup, plus two or three cinnamon rolls for good measure!

As far as beverages go, we never have anything fancy. Nolan will probably drink apple juice and the rest of us will have milk, which seems like the perfect breakfast to me.

What will you be watching?

Okay, since dad gets up pretty early to cook everything, he usually takes over the remote and turns it to TBS for the 24 hour broadcast of “A Christmas Story”. Here’s the funny thing about that, I haven’t watched it all the way through since I was in middle school!

Now, after all of the festivities die down a bit, I have a full afternoon of NBA basketball games. I like to think it’s a Christmas gift to myself because it’s usually all of the teams I normally watch during the season playing on that day. Last year, I only missed one game, because I was so exhausted and because the Lakers were having an awful bout of games, I figured I wasn’t going to miss much and I think I was right too. I might end up recording them all and watch at my own time, but who knows!

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What do you hope to find under the tree on Christmas Day?

You’re allowed to laugh at this answer, but I haven’t really asked for much this year. My mom said she has gotten me something that will be signed “From Santa Claus” on Christmas day, but the only thing I really hope to see is a giant pillow.

I sleep with three pillows at the moment! I have my childhood pillow down at the bottom because I can’t get rid of it for the life of me, plus two extra ones I’ve had to include because of my neck. So, I am hoping for one, hard, giant pillow to solve all of my problems.

Who will you be spending day with?

I am spending the day with my parents, Blondie, Brandon, Nolan and our dog ChiChi (and yes, she has a stocking and is getting her own gifts!). I feel like it could be chaotic because of the excitement in general, but since Nolan is walking now, we can’t just place him in his high chair and have him unwrap his presents there. I have a feeling, he’ll be attempting to help everyone with their gifts!

When will you be opening your presents?

It’ll depend on whether or not we eat breakfast first, but like I said, I don’t think it’ll take my nephew long to convince papaw that we need to do this first, but you never know – although when it comes to these two, I’m hardly ever wrong!

snowflake

Blogmas | Why I Went Non-Traditional This Christmas

Howdy!

I am a couple of days early, but I already had this in my daily planner that it’ll work the best. Let’s be honest, there’s a 50/50 chance that you put your tree and decorations in and around your house way before yesterday, so I wouldn’t be judging me so quickly! 😉 In my defense though, I only got the tree itself done. It’s just a little naked at the moment.


Last Christmas, I published a blog post about decor ideas that I was thinking about for this year.The main reason why I wrote that post is because we didn’t put up our family tree because of the mess after our new house arriving but having to wait to actually move into it until after new years. It was Nolan’s first Christmas but as much as we all loved watching him tear into his gifts, it did feel a little off not to have that tradition continuing even if it was our final family holiday together.

I like that little piece of tradition, putting up our 29 year old Christmas tree with both Blondie and Brandon. We usually make it a big thing, but now with Nolan being a year older, it’ll be interesting to see whether or not he actually helps with decorating it! With that being said, I was perfectly okay with switching things up when it came to decorating my room for Christmas–even if that meant getting a black tree!

Yes, you read that right. I said, I have a black Christmas tree!

In that post that I put up, I actually mentioned something about the trend of these black trees, but I didn’t even plan on getting or much less wanting one originally. I even put a poll up on my Twitter with four colors: green red, purple, and black; the only ones that people voted were purple with 80%, and lastly black had 20%!

At first, my plan was going about a regular green tree, but as I started thinking about more, I ended up really wanting a royal purple tree instead. My Charlie Brown tree I had in the old house was purple, so I figured I would keep this tradition going too. The only reason why I suddenly changed my mind was one night my mom was looking up trees on various websites and she found a 3″ tree in different colors. She almost convinced me to get a white one, but once she said there was a black tree, I just lost it! I knew it was for me, so we bought it for $16.95!

Now before it arrived, I expected it to be fairly large and full of little branches. What I got instead was a tree that is the same height of my push wheelchair! The only thing I got right were the branches, however my mom and I were concerned that it wasn’t going to be as grand as the larger trees, I still think it’s cute! I have fixed several of the branches since taking these photos, but nothing much has really changed.

As far as ornaments and topper, I am also breaking up from using my favorites ones in our family tote, but I am enjoying creating my own path though! I would like to keep a part of my original color scheme: royal purple and white.Apparently, it’s a lot easier to find white lights and ornaments, but anything in a darker shade of purple, is becoming a bit more difficult to do! My latest idea was if there was any room left that I would add some quirky ones throughout it too. At the rate I’m going though, it might become my alternative if we can’t find the right colored bulbs anywhere! For the top of the tree, I want a star instead of an angel, because I’ve always liked them a lot better!

I have only one window in my room, and it’s great because I am lucky to get both the moon at night and morning sun, which is something I wasn’t able to enjoy back in my old room! After learning the layout of my new room, and I decided which furniture would go where, I knew having a tree right in between and the middle of my window would be perfect! We don’t know if this will be okay for the lights, but I am prepared on getting battery powered ones if nothing else will reach over to the plugins. There is one final tradition I am not doing and that is, I am not using those stand wraps. I think my sunflower rug will be do just fine

When I finally have everything ready and go to actually decorate my Christmas tree, I will definitely be taking pictures of the whole process for you! Hopefully, it won’t take us the whole month to find any good ones, but you never know!

Do you have a tree in your bedroom that’s completely different than the traditional tree in your living room or at your parent’s house? If you don’t, is that something you are striving for in the future? What kind of version do you see for it?

The Book Boyfriend Tag

Howdy!

I’ve been wanting to do this tag for a few months now, but I’ve needed time to think about my answers a bit. You’d think I would have all of my favorite book boyfriends straight but I don’t. I wish I had maybe then this post would have been a lot easier for me!

I found this tag on Jayati’s blog, so you’ll have to go visit it afterwards. She’s done a few others in the past that I have thought about doing too, but one step at a time here! Let’s start this post shall we?

RULES
Mention the creator of / blog you found the tag.
Nominate some fellow book bloggers to take the tag!
Be creative and have fun with your answers!

Most Romantic Boyfriend

I feel like Augustus Waters or Gus from John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars is probably the most romantic dude that still haunts my mind but in a good way! He was so charming and he really pulled me into the story. I still think Ansel Egort was the perfect Gus because he had that cute baby face that I pictured for Gus everytime I would continue on. The end of his story about killed me but I still love him!

Dark & Moody Bad Boy With A Good Side

I think I have to say, Will Traynor of Me Before You. He is the only one–besides Damon Salvatore–that goes well with this question. .

Will was a troubled man after he become paralyzed, one of the things that he let himself do was become very bitter with his new life. He hated being the way he was and even though I understand where he is coming from, I also feel like he just gave up on everything. However, he was still charming and full of humor which is how he and Lou got so close because they basically matched with their personalities.

Paranormal Boyfriend

The only one that came to my mind was Stefan Salvatore. I have always loved Stefan! He was the one that initially got me interested in The Vampire Dairies. I don’t think any of my family actually believes that since I love Ian Somerhalder so much but I have always loved Stefan’s story compared to Damon’s .He had a good heart, thanks to Lexi of course, and I really wish I had completed the Stefan’s Dairies now!

Boy You’d Be Friends With Benefits With

Oh boy! This is actually really difficult because I have a couple as sad as it is. My answer at the moment is Sedric Lionheart from the Sinners Of Tour series by Olivia Cunning. Between him and Eric Sticks, they’re both members of the casual sex team. I still prefer Sed over Eric, even though I love drummers more than lead singers,. I mean, I am my mother’s daughter after all!

Your Soul Mate

I think I will forever have a weakness for the cool, slightly gorgeous high school boys and I definitely love Josh from To All The Boys I’ve Loved by Jenny Han. I did the same thing as Lara Jean and tried to stay far away from my sister’s exes. You can continue to be friends with them, but you can never date them, I’m in my late 20’s and that’s still a rule that I go by!

Boyfriend You’d Venture Anywhere With

The first person I thought of was Ron Weasley, mostly because I would want to explore the magical world outside of London and Scotland, which is a little shocking for me to say because I love England’s history in general but I just want to see what other places in the world through his eyes I guess!

Boyfriend You’ Want To Be Stranded On A Desert Island With

Hmmmm… I am torn between Ash from Roxy Sloane’s book The Invitation and Trey from the band “Sinners” in Olivia Cunning’s series that I’ve mentioned many times in this post already! Trey is my favorite out of everybody, while Jace is probably second in line.

What is clever about this though is that if I could get both of them on the island, it would work out pretty well for Trey anyways because he’s bisexual. I don’t know if Ash would object on it, but I would be a happy camper if it worked out to my advantage!

Most Badass Boyfriend

The only one I thought worked with this, was Marc of the Kaylpso Masters’s series Rescue Me Saga since he rescued Angelina from her crazy and abusive ex-boyfriend. Technically, all of the guys featured in the series are badasses, but I think Marc is my favorite of the bunch!

Well I think I am done. If you enjoy doing easy blog tags, then you should definitely try this one out on your blog. If you actually decide to do it, please link it back to mine so I can take a look at your answers! I felt like a teacher saying that, but I would like to check out the books you’ve read too!

Do you have any book boyfriends? Have you read any of the books I’ve mentioned above? If you have any suggestions that you think I should check out, let me know!