Being The Older Sister.

Being handicapped and an older sister is a tricky thing.

When I was about 10 years old, I spent the whole weekend with my cousin Morgan with our grandma (dad’s mom) and on the last day we went to her house and I got to spend time with both her and little brother Nicholas. They are roughly the same age as my sister and I, but I’m one year older than Morgan. They terrorized each other. I had seen this before with my other cousins Kristi and her older brother Chris. It wasn’t anything new, but up until this point my sister and I had a good relationship, and then I came home after that visit acting like a little bitch. I remember that evening so well that it hurts now. I came home and was told that I had a surprise. Apparently Blondie and my mom fixed up my side of the room that we shared. I came home not liking any part of it. After that, I had to sleep in my own room because of my attitude of what happened that day! However, I think after all of those years of sharing a room together, ten was the right age to finally sleep in my own room. So in a way, spending the day with my cousins was a good/bad idea at that time!

Our bickering days came to a halt whenever she entered high school. I was actually excited to have my little sister in the same part of the school as me. I could see her now! The first semester of her freshman year I am still surprised she didn’t want to kill me whenever I came over to her lunch table. I was friends with most of the kids in her class, anybody that came over for her birthdays or slept over on the weekends knew about me and my disability. From what I could tell, the ones that came over were never bothered by it so that was good! I know at times I probably embarrassed her, but that was the only part of being an older sister I had left to enjoy was to taunt the crap out of her. When she started dating, everything got a little weird. She got her first real boyfriend during the end of summer of 2009. Trevor was probably my favorite out of the bunch. The only one I didn’t want to run over after things went sour with one another. Speaking of running over, I did make a small “promise” to one that if he ever hurt her (I knew of his history), that I would run over his feet. When he cheated on her, I went to the football game and I ran over his feet. That’s also when I realized that running over people’s feet isn’t as threatening as it used to be when I was as a kid!

Early 2011 came and she met this one, we thought it was only going to be a crush because he was only staying for a short time. He mostly lived in Italy where his dad was stationed, but he was from our hometown.. Everybody liked him but only a couple of people, including me. I thought it was cute the first time she showed me his picture, she definitely liked him it was THAT clear! When he moved back to Italy after they decided to get serious, things started to decline for them. He cheated on her twice, even though he came out and told her about it, it still hurt her deeply and we didn’t know how bad until a couple of years later. After that, entered the two “bad boys”. All three had their own bad tendencies with lasting effects too. Now we are in 2015 and she’s with Brandon aka “Batman” and she met him on her first night at college. We first met him on my birthday celebration last year. It was pretty awkward because we had only seen pictures and were told stories about this boy and that was it. My sister has quite a lot of baggage and he seems to accept her just the way she is. So that’s good enough for us.

Why am I giving you a look into my sister’s personal life?

Because I wanted you to see of how much I pay attention. I’ve seen hurt on my sister’s face too many times, but also saw joy just as much. It’s very awkward to be an older sister and have a disability, but it’s even more complicated to be single while being around these times. I was only in two small “relationships” and none of them lasted longer than a few months. I’ve become bitter from not being in a real relationship like my sister, but in a way watching her with the past and present boyfriend(s) has been a blessing in disguise. I’ve learned a lot about love. What it means to be in a relationship with someone and what’s truly acceptable and what isn’t. I think I’ve figured out what I wanted in a relationship if it ever happened one day.

During the last week of May, Batman moved into our house. It was an idea that came from my dad after he heard of their plans of moving up north and into an apartment. My parents weren’t having that, so this happened instead. They each have jobs down here and he seems to get along with everybody, even our dog ChiChi. Having another guy living in our house is a little weird for me, because I don’t exactly trust a lot of people, especially males and after Blondie’s situation that happened two years ago, it’s still pretty fresh in not only my mind but everybody else’s too. So I’ve been a bit wary of him still, even though I’m learning to accept him at MY pace. They’ve been expressing their thoughts of marriage and having children in the future and its brought a new light for my sister, because before she didn’t want to get married or have kids. So this was new but yet great for me! I want to be an aunt again!

See now there’s the thought of the future again.

If I don’t get married and have kids of my own, where will I go once my parents pass and/or can’t take care of me anymore? It’s a thought that’s on everybody’s mind. My mom and I have discussed it many times in the last three years. It’s nice to be able to talk about the worries of the future but as far as discussing the possibilities with all four of us together. It would be a bad idea! My dad would love nothing more but avoid the topic altogether and my sister, well she didn’t like the fact when I told her that I didn’t want her to be the one that takes care of me. A person outside of it all would wonder why I wouldn’t want my own sister to take care of me than rather worry about a nurse that would abuse me in a group home or something like that? To me, it’s a personal choice that I think is mine alone to make and I want my sister and her future husband (whether it’s Batman or not) to have a normal life that doesn’t involve wondering about what I need on a daily basis. If she’s anything like our dad, she’ll always be like that! She deserves her own life away from me. I don’t want any resentment there between us or she and her future husband. Hopefully one day things will be resolved and we’ll figure out what we really will do when the time is right, but I still stand by what I said two years ago and I think I always will.

5 thoughts on “Being The Older Sister.

  1. a very mature older sister it seems…we discuss what my son will do when we are not here…He doesn’t want to live with his younger brother either!…hopefully he will have a place of his own… a small apartment…but, these are the things that worry his Dad and I…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad to know I’m not the only one that feels this way. This worries my parents too, if my dad could he would live forever so he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore but it doesn’t work out like that.

      Liked by 1 person

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