I’ve always heard if it’s not your story to tell, then don’t tell it. Well, I’ve been thinking a lot in the last couple of months and I don’t want this post to sound mean at all, but I need to release some things or I’ll just continue to hide my thoughts and feelings, so bare with me.
I’ve been very quiet about a certain subject that pretty much took my family, my sister especially on one hell of a ride that we weren’t expecting. In 2013, my sister told my parents right before they were going to head to bed that her boyfriend at the time had done something bad to her. All I heard were different things. I didn’t actually hear the full story until the next morning. My sister and her boyfriend were at her friend’s house, she was there for a sleepover. He was there along with a couple of other boys too. According to my sister, they got into a big and bad fight while there. He threw her up against the wall in her friend’s bathroom, and did some other things that a man should NEVER do to a woman. At the time, our folks called the police it was one day afterwards. So they couldn’t exactly arrest him that night, but they did go have a chat with him and his family.
The next few months were hell for my sister and the rest of my family. My sister filed a protective order, which proved to be just a piece of paper to everybody at their school. Since the school had never had anything like that happen or so we were told, they didn’t exactly know how to deal with everything: meaning they weren’t going to do anything about letting him go from playing his sports or anything. He did have to stay away from her, but the school basically treated it like it was her fault, she was the victim of a domestic assault and yet this boy was allowed to do whatever he wanted to do. His family was obviously on his side, treated my sister like shit. There were some things that he tried saying happened that she did but it didn’t take a genius to figure out they were false. Even though, all of this happened to her; she still didn’t want him to get into big trouble, he was put on probation, had to spend three days in Juvenile Center, and had to respect the protective order. The whole reason why she pressed charges was for him to get help. Everything that I just explained happened during her last year in high school. Not how you want to remember your senior year by any means.
Fast forward a year later, my sister struggles with anxiety and she’s got some trust issues with guys. The protective order was to done in February of this year. She went ahead and dropped it a month earlier. We were all kind of shocked, some more than others. We knew she wasn’t going to go back with him. We just didn’t know how everything was going to turn out afterwards, how would he feel about it, what would be his next move?
From the time that I first heard about everything, the dreams started to form. I kept having terrifying dreams of being led into the woods, sometimes with a camper or besides a lake/river. The dreams would never turn out pretty and they would always go on longer even after I’ve woken up. I would be bleeding from the stomach or in my legs. I would be left for dead inside a boat traveling down the water. Or sometimes I would be chained up against a tree, crying and praying for a way out of my misery. It would all be so real, because my imagination would be so vivid. I could picture the trees, how tall they were and what colors they were at the time. When they started, or when I really started to notice them it was winter turning into spring. So I would grow kind of worried about my surroundings and my family’s. Everything that happened in my dreams was from the hands of my sister’s ex. It wasn’t until December did I really notice them gone from my head. I didn’t have another one, but it doesn’t mean that he still scares me.
My sister has a new boyfriend, you’ve heard me call him “Batman” on here. I’ve been very weary of him, but quite frankly everybody has ever since this happened. I’ve been pretty good at judging a guy’s personality and how they treat my sister and myself. We were cheated with the last one that even our little “guard dog” ChiChi liked him and she HATES people coming and going in our house. So we thought it was a good sign that maybe she knew something we didn’t know, well she acts the same way with this new boy. She still barks at him, but everything seems the same. I feel like as the older sister I didn’t catch any signs from the previous few months before the incident. I mean, we knew about some things. Once they came over to my nana’s and they were in his truck, he apparently got so angry with her that he spilled a drink inside. They came inside and grabbed a rag to clean it up. His whole personality was dark and everybody could feel it in the air, my cousin Kristi really didn’t like the way he was acting so she spent most of the time they were in his truck outside making sure everything was really fine. That was our true sign of his real self in action.
Since my sister has been single for a whole year, she was learning how to talk to guys again and this made me sad to think after one boy she’d basically lose a part of herself in the struggle. I’ve always kept quiet because I didn’t feel like it was my story to tell; that’s why I’m not telling all of the things that really happened. I feel like I can’t trust this new guy she’s got now. I kind of feel like my dad in a way, how he’s always worried about us and our relationships. I don’t know how to act around this boy, I feel like I don’t like him for the wrong reasons. My sister’s easy to forgive, but I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her ex, I still think he deserved more than what he got but that’s an older sister’s opinion for you! This experience has also changed my views on dating too. I feel like I’m afraid to give myself to anybody. We were already worried about if I was to get into an abusive relationship, but now I’m really not looking for any kind of relationship at the moment. I still have the little crushes I had back in high school, but hardly ever on anybody in town.
It’s just a weird thing I have that I don’t know how to really get past it. I know I can do it, but it’s just going to take some time. Now that I’ve had my sister read this post and gotten her permission to publish it, and told both my mother and nana about it. Even though my nana’s known about the dreams since they first started, anyhow I feel much better about everything. Now if only I could get myself to stop breaking down into tears I’d be even better, but I don’t think that’ll get better until my sister goes on Christmas break. She’s been having to work a lot since she got her new job, so she’s been away even more which hasn’t been easy for me either. I’ve cried twice about that issue too. I’m a freaking mess these days. Hopefully there will be a good day heading for me soon!