I’ve never been one to hide any true feelings from both the past and the present.
So I have something to release right now.
It’s been a strange two years now. I’ve been learning how to deal with some very important things in my life. I feel like I’ve been detoxing the negativity in my life. I’ve been feeling a lot of pride in myself to be able to do that in this stage of my life. Being that I am still young, I know I’ve still got lots to deal with later on in life, but at least I’ll know how to “treat” myself in the good and bad. I’m still trying to figure out the whole mediation thing. I’ve tried doing it twice, but I’ve still been getting quite confused on what I’m supposed to be doing. Anyways, I’ve learned to not count every boring day as bad. If three good things happened throughout your day, it was good! I hardly get mad at anything, however the times I do, stay away from me! I’ve been learning how to breathe slowly in through my nose and exhale out of my mouth, imagine myself feeling calmer. I hardly ever worry anymore, because why worry about things when you can’t change about how they started or how they’ll end. That’s just a few things I’ve been really working on in the past year.
Blogging becomes a big help in finding my inner peace too. I can just talk about (not everything) a bunch of things that might be bothering me. Sometimes it’s like an itch, you have to talk about it. Through blogging I’ve leaned that I may be helping somebody else in whatever is going on with their lives too. It has nothing to do with my disability–it’s just a feeling that you can be relatable to somebody else’s thoughts and feelings. So I’ll start by saying that we’ve all crushes sometime in our lives, I find we usually get crushes our crushes on the opposite sex while we’re in school. When everything is over, not only do some of your friendships end, but so do some of your interest in those crushes too. Only a couple rarely still exist a few years later. By then, the connection is off and everything that you liked about that person may be a lot different now, like physical features, likes in music etc. It can either be a great release of that person and/or it could break your heart that maybe you have moved on from that person.
I’ve felt a lot of joy in having a lot of crushes in many stages in my life–in school, I’ve said since I was in a wheelchair, I was more of the perfect friend than a girlfriend in general. Recently, I’ve realized that maybe the guys that I’ve always wondered why they never gave me a chance, were only being nice and treating me like a friend to them were actually saving me. Even though, I still remember the broken heart everytime each one would get a girlfriend. I would usually cry my eyes out at night and my poor nana and mom had to hear me each and every time it happened. Whenever one was in a relationship, I did manage to find a new one to replace that one, which I find now a great thing. I wasn’t obsessed with them and their girlfriends, even though in the beginning I had tried to befriend their girlfriends. By the end of my high school years, I had grown out of that and switched my loves to celebrities. So maybe falling in love Ian Somerhalder had its good intentions in 2009.
When every one of my crushes finds somebody, I’m truly happy for them. I’m glad that they’ve found somebody to love them always. I think it’s a great thing for me to realize this now, as a single woman. It shows that I can move on. It shows others that just because they meant so much to you at one time, you can move on from them without being bitter about it. It’s all a learning process of course! Some can make it happen and then there are those who can be obsessed with that person to the point were they’ll do anything and everything to ruin the relationships that person they may be crushing on and that is never cool. Be a lady or gentleman and let that person go, you both deserve a chance at love but maybe it’s not meant to be with each other and you’re just going to have to accept it. So to all my old crushes, yes I once had a thing for you. If you’ve found yourself in a great relationship or maybe even in marriage, I wish you all the best and thank you for never ignoring me and making only a good friend. That’s all that matters now.