I Am A (Controlled) Fangirl.

I have been wanting to create another series for my blog for about a month or so. I am having way too much fun doing these Tune Tuesday and Blogs That I Love that it’s been creating more ideas for the blog. I’ve been using a couple of my Pinterest boards to help me out, mostly my “I Am” and “Shit I Love” boards. For the ones for SIL those will be anytime I have to create and publish them. The I Am posts I’d like to do those for a similar series as Throwback Thursday. I explain on my Facebook that I am so into perspective and finding negatives and turning them into something positive. So that will be a good and big thing on here! I hope you like them!

What would you think if I said I’ve never been a rock/metal concert before? I know, I’m this big rocker and talk about my favorite bands left and right, but still never have seen one live. I’m going to be very honest about this though, in a way I kind of don’t want to. I mean, I love a lot of different bands, both from the US and international, who will probably never come over close enough to where I am to see them. It’s not my fault that they can’t though. I’ve got some different thoughts and beliefs when we get on this topic. I don’t think I’d really enjoy a concert like everybody else would honestly, because I have two sides of me. I have my happy hardcore fan girl side that wants to go and see a show, but yet I have my worry side that is absolutely terrified of being around the people at these shows, having them stare at me being I’ve just ran over their feet trying to get a closer look at the stage. I feel like I would feel too trapped inside my own mind to enjoy anything and the worst part of all is that nobody would understand this or even care that this actually does scare me. There are a few people who would understand this, but not in my point of view.

I have always thought I wasn’t the every fan girl you hear about online. I mean, yes I do go insane for when I get followed, retweeted, replied by a celebrity or band. That high of excitement usually lasts about two or three days, depending on whether or not I go to my nana’s the very next day. I don’t like posting on my social media accounts that I’ve been followed or replied back to someone either. I don’t like hurting anybody’s feeling but my family get the short end of the stick because I have to release it somewhere and they are usually the ones I tell, so feel bad for them. I’m also one of those fans who don’t really include the celebrities in their actual usernames in a tweet either. If I do and get anything back, I stop tweeting them altogether for like four months. I don’t like to spam people. I feel like I do that enough for the ones who follow me on Twitter, because of how many times I post about my new blog posts. I feel like I’m annoying them when they have somewhere else to be.

Now I bet you’re wondering how I got to be the way I am, and here’s the reason. I have a lot bands that are from overseas, like a LOT! I’m honestly over the 80+ mark on all of the bands I actually listen to, tolerate, and love. Over the years, when I started to find all these bands I realized how many of them were even coming over to the states, and close to were my mom was comfortable into taking me to. I am that kind of fan that every time you hear or read the words, “NEW CONCERT DATES!” and instantly go insane and click that link and pray that there’s a show near you. I have a motto that I go by, “no expections, no disappoints.” Well, I got into using that motto whenever a band would release tour dates not in my area. I still look every single time but I have it in my head going in, don’t get too excited just in case you’re wrong. Honest to God, this has actually helped me at times. Whenever my friends say that they’re going to see this band or that band, I’m not jealous. I’m more happy for them instead. I can’t be bitter when things you can’t control happen anyways, I love to hear the stories of when they come online the next day. They post videos, pictures, and if they’re bloggers then you get to read their posts and it makes you feel you’re right there with them in spirit.

I’m a VERY controlled fan. I kind of take pride in myself for the person I am as a fan. I mean, I am already different from other people, why should this be any different? My nana has watched live videos on YouTube and she gets so angry for the girls in the audience who just scream and holler whenever that person on stage is singing or just talking in general. Since she’s not really used to the whole screaming and standing up for a concert, she’s very opinionated about this. I’ve been trying to tell her that if times were switched and she was about my age or younger, she would be doing the exact same thing. She doesn’t usually it when I say that either. For a person like my nana, with age she’s been in her little wheelchair more often and doesn’t have the strength to do a lot of things like stand up for a long period of time. Whereas I have always been confined to my chair, so I know what I’m getting myself into if and when I go to any kind of concert, people are going to be as close to you as possible, taller than you, and they’re going to be drunk or full of rage, or a mixture of both! I’ve seen these videos of rock concerts and I’ve recently figured out what the hell a “wall of death” is and they scare me more than the crowd surfers and drunken idiots combined.

One year my sister went to an outdoor concert in another state with her church group. She and one of her friends were walking from one side to the other side, they said that there were two parts that were only separate by a simple line of police tag and that’s it. Well, somebody in the crowd obviously did not like this and decided to cut it and everybody in that part went forward and ended up crashing into anybody that was walking in front of them. They were in this part and she said that when it was cut, everybody ran as fast as they could to move up and didn’t care if the person next to them fell over and was getting walked over. Blondie swore she had to have a whole shoe imprint on my back and the side of her face because of the pressure of the crowd when she fell over. I’ve mostly heard and worried about the circle pits, where the fans get into a decent size circle and just jump around and run right into each other, but walls of death can be a little bit more violent. They’re honestly both violent, but this one seems a little bit worse. Before a song’s breakdown the singer usually has the crowd separate between two sides and then when the breakdown begins they race towards each other and push each other around. I’d be perfectly fine with just doing the head banging and hopefully not trying to fall out of my wheelchair.

Lastly, I don’t like using my disability as leverage either. It sickens me when people think it would be fun to use the wheelchair or any part of the fact that I’m handicapped, to their advantage. I have fought hard about this subject because I hate it so much, but if my sister was with me and her favorite artist or band was there, I’d basically do anything to let her meet them because that’s my job as a sister to reward her whenever she’s done something for me. She deserves something after all these years. Now parent wise, it just depends. I’ve had nightmares of meeting a band that my parents used to make fun of and then later got into after some coaxing, I dreamt that we got to meet the band and somebody called them by our inside joke and the entire thing was ruined. I was glad to wake up after that ending. My mom was even thinking that would not be a smart move because they can barely call their band name right on the first try anymore. So I’ve just decided that I never want to meet a band or celebrity while being around them after that. I remember a time where I didn’t like to share, once I actually had a balloon. I got the last one. This poor little boy behind me wanted mine and everybody else was releasing theirs into the air, I didn’t want to do that. So I kept it and he cried to his mom or grandmother I don’t remember who had ahold of him. Well, I’ve been haunted by that memory too and I’ve just learned to give up my place or whatever I had to somebody else. In other words, if it was between me or a little kid that was allowed to meet my favorite band I would give it to the kid. I mean, just because I’m in a wheelchair and can do things with my feet does not mean I like being privileged. Besides I’m an adult, and if it’s a kid you’re going to swallow your pride and give it to the kid who will appreciate the joy a lot more than you think you would.