Every Year In May

MilestoneAn action or event making a significant change or stage in development.

The last week of May is when the new year’s graduation mode is on full swing. Between prom and graduation, those are the most funnest times in a student’s lives. This goes for both the new graduate and new upperclassmen who get closer and closer to their chance to be free too. The first year after I graduated, I went to graduation at my old high school (just saying “old high school,” makes me feel old!) to support the students I had classes with, but my memory is a bit of a blur. Because I remember going to the last two years graduations but I’m not sure if I went to the year after or not. I think it rained on us one year but I have no clue what year it was, I’ve been to a LOT of graduations. I’ve been to nine graduations (three were family related and including mine because my cousin was in too) and so you can understand how I could get confused here. Anyways, the time in between becoming a junior and graduating high school is a very overwhelming feeling I thought. It makes your time as a junior such a rush to get the year done and then go into senior year and you are feeling rushed with passing state tests, finals, and getting those damn transcripts and scholarships turned in on time. It’s exhausting for one person to get through!

Every year in May, I feel like I look back at my life more than any other month. It didn’t just happen by mistake though, ever since I graduated high school I’ve continued to do this. In the last full week of May, I get a bittersweet and happy feeling within me. I understand the bittersweet feeling as I am still feeling like I’ve been skipping school everyday of the year. I still wake up around 6:30 or 7am and think back to the times that my parents overslept and the bus driver honking the horn a couple of times. I remember the rides to school, dreading the day ahead but looking forward to that last class. It’s what everybody imagined, but I think after a while the graduates would forget about their morning routines they had for high school. Considering I didn’t go on a bus for college, this is what I have left of a bus ride. The happy feeling I get is very strong for me during this time too. I’m happy to be free of all the worry of did I fail that class or final? I’m free of the bullcrap that I had put up with for the last seven years of my life. I’m just happy to be free, but bittersweet of the feeling of letting go.

I feel like I look back at my struggles and the journey that God put me on. It was very chaotic and almost felt too much at the moment, but something got me through it. The two years of so much stress and over thinking about every single thing basically took over my outlook on the next chapter of my life. Everything I wanted to do in college wasn’t going to happen like I wanted, at that time I was VERY bitter and hated everybody that had an opinion about it and I had grown a hatred for myself in the process. In the fall of the same year, I had taken myself into this dark hole and buried myself as far down as I could go. I even had dreams years before of myself being chased in what seemed like a fun house full of clowns and for some freaking reason I dreamt I was scooting whereas the majority of my dreams had me standing up like a normal person, this one I was in my true form. It looked the clowns had made this hole and I was running (scooting very fast, which would never happen now!) and I slipped down and I couldn’t get myself out. Many nights later I found a way out and I just start climbing out, using every part of my body that I could use. Mind you, everything that doesn’t work now didn’t work in this dream either. Once I was out, the clowns were gone, nowhere to be found. When I got out of the hole years later the insecurities and worries were gone too. It’s funny how dreams have a way of coming to light after you go through something that would traumatic like this.

I’m not saying I have a perfect run every year. I know I don’t. There are a lot of things that can happen in a year or a month that can bring a person down. I choose to see things like this, every day I count in my head of the good things that happened. If there were three good things that happened throughout the day then I can’t call it a bad day. In my mind, I’m giving myself another choice to say it wasn’t a crappy day, but it wasn’t a great day either. It was a good day. I feel the word “good” is the word to use in the middle of both feelings. I choose to look back at this month as a time where I left part of my story and began another chapter, every year and every May is a reminder. It’s good to have memories that show you where you’ve been and how you felt, it just makes you stronger for the next part coming up.