If Tomorrow…


This day and age, you have to look beautiful. You have put make up on and look like a completely different person from what you were born with. Some of it is not all bad, I mean getting tattoos and piercings have a hard time being accepted, but so do the ones that are skinny and tell themselves they’re not skinny enough. Both sides can be troubled. Why can’t we just stay the way we were before and find out if people would accept us for who we are? Yeah, that’s right we would have to take away their closed minds and put in another that has the ability to ALWAYS be open for the boring, unusual beautiful people.

If I am around a mirror, I will look at myself and just on my face, pick out something I don’t like about myself. The little mirror in the car isn’t even my best friend. I go back and forth between wanting a full length mirror in my room or not, because I would like to take pictures of my outfits when I go out. I’m a little worried that if I get a mirror I’ll start telling myself those same lies that everybody else hears in their head. I like the fact that I don’t want to watch what I eat, how many calories are in this and that. It’s crazy! I like eating everything in sight, I have no problem with it. When I was in the process of having my surgeries, they wanted us to gain weight in the time between surgeries. The other patients were complaining about the doctors and nurses making you drink protein shakes and saying how disgusting they were! Well, just before my third surgery, I wasn’t gaining the weight I was before, so I had to drink these damn things. My god, they were nasty! Nothing that disgusting needs to be called “shakes” because they were far from anything good shakes that I was used to. Being handicapped, it’s hard to tell yourself you’re different from others because in your mind, you’re not. When I’m not my wheelchair I treat myself like I’m not a disabled person.

When I go shopping with my mom and sister, we go by “no V-necks” and watch out for the textures of both pants and shirts. I wear a size medium for tops and I never wear jeans or regular pants anymore, because they are hard to get over my butt if I have to go to the bathroom (which I never do) and almost every shirt I have gotten has went off my shoulders in the middle of the day. Some people fix them, my family just forgets it. Because in about five seconds later, it’ll be back in the same place or on the other side. I don’t try on shirts when we go out nor do I get to check my butt if the pants/leggings made my butt look big as every other girl/woman does when they try on clothes. I have to completely ignore all shoes, sneakers, sandals, and high heels. When we go into Charlotte Russe, I try to ignore them, but it’s so hard not to! Especially ones with spikes! I am very aware of the band shirts I have. I think I have over 12 shirts now. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but when the majority of your is black, it’s a lot.  I would like to have more and I love anything with skulls, studs, and spikes. Anything dark-colored. If I was allowed to I would like to buy a black leggings and shred the crap out of them but I think my dad would freak out. I like to embrace the gothic feel I am found deep inside of me. I still have a girly side of me, but it’s now in that deep hole I was telling you about earlier, I like skirts and dressy tops, but skirts would never work with my legs.

Despite all of this, I am getting more comfortable with my body. I would love to get some tattoos, but I’ll never want to go insane with it. I remember what happened to my ears after a few months of getting them pierced. That night was not a good night, so I think I am too afraid to get anything else done. I want purple and blue highlights in my hair, and one of these days I get the courage to buy a bold red lipstick and cross that off my bucket list finally. I think everybody can learn to love their bodies, but they’re just going to have take away the make up and mirrors for a little bit to see that they don’t need it. I don’t wear make up, because it’s too much a hassle to get the stuff on and off. When the day comes, society will be able to wake up and realize what we’ve done wrong.