Finding Some Inner Peace.

Well I was wrong, looks like I am in a mood to do a real post, but I’m not going to talk about today. I’m going to talk about finding some peace and today, I actually felt that for the first time in years. I’ve been pretty good about keeping my mind away from thinking about the past and what I had back then. At times I would love to go back and relive some of those memories, but I’ve got to say I like where my life is heading and I have a pretty good life nowadays. I am realizing that these feelings I’ve been feeling since January, might be there because my sister is about to graduate high school and I don’t want her to. I would love to be in her shoes again, hell I’d like to WEAR her shoes. Period. That’s a totally different subject though, so anyways, my old feelings of my old friends from high school are creeping up on me more than they used to. It’s been kind of a good thing because at the beginning of this month one of my friends from high school died. It really hurt me because it was my first real friend that passed away. I actually knew this person and talked to them. So I think after that happened, I really wanted my old friends back even if I knew everything would be different, I just wanted them to know that I’m still here and I am willing on making those friendships work again.

That being said, I want to take baby steps. I don’t want to just jump right back into a friendship of a person who I haven’t seen since two years ago, I mean you can’t do that. I have to be patient and understand people do have their lives to live and know I’m not in high school anymore. They have jobs, boyfriends/girlfriends, school, and even families to think about now. It has been almost three years since I’ve seen most of the people I graduated with and there are times I see some of these people and think, okay, just ignore me like you did in high school. Then I start thinking in my head, what are these people going to think after you’re gone from this world? How are they going to feel about not saying something important to that person and then find out that they can never get that chance to say it to them? Not being around some of my friends, has made me think about that possibly of keeping things to myself and then something devastating like a death from one of them and I can’t tell them how much they meant to me.

One of the things I’ve regretted lately is putting blame on someone. I’m not taking responsiblity for my actions and I am just putting everything on them, but it was really my fault. It was my choice to be silent. I had blamed almost all of my high school crushes for making me feel like I was unworthy, but after all this time, I am starting to like myself as a person. I like how I look and I don’t need anyone thinking I’m beautiful and good enough for them, because I know I am good enough. I am in the process of taking that blame away from them and I kind of want to thank them for not wanting me, I guess. I had to be out of school to finally realize that I didn’t need to rely on somebody’s thoughts about who I am. I have truly accepted myself, my disability, and my life.

I say all this, but there are a few things I am still working on. I am guilty of pushing people away. I have noticed my “shyness” has come back to haunt me, but I have the state of mind if I can tell a person a funny story than I’ll start to open up and everything will be all right. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. What really gets me right now, is how music has taken away some of the pain I’ve endured in the past several years. I went through my Linkin Park phase at the end of high school. I had a Nikki Sixx phase at the end of 2011 and the beginning of last year and now I am STILL in my Five Finger Death Punch phase. All three have showed up at different times of my life and gotten me to see the light in different things. I have grown up and every day is a new day with a new challenge for me to face. Will it be a good day? I have to make it a good day. I ask God to watch over me and help me to have a good day and he helps me get through my rough patches here and there. I have my family that cares deeply for me and I appreciate that and I love them dearly.

Tonight, I talked to one of my old high school friends, whom I haven’t seen since last fall at a football game. I haven’t hung out with her and I don’t talk to her much. I have been trying my hardest to not think about her and our friendship we have or had. Honestly at times, I didn’t consider us ” best friends” because she had too much going in her life, which wasn’t her fault. I was just putting that blame on her when she didn’t deserve it. We had a good chat and I’m happy that I am willing to break down those walls I put up over the past couple of years. I hope this post gets you thinking about the past and your future too. We can’t change the past, but we can make our future more interesting than we think we can. We are allowed to have both good and bad days. We have to stop letting our negative thoughts drive us into a corner. We have to stop pushing blame at innocent people and forget about has happened to us, and move on.

The best is yet to come. Good night.

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