“Heartbroken and beaten.
Knocked down and mistreated.
I will rise undefeated.
I will not let you bring me down.
Now the pain is deleted and I will never repeat it.
I will rise undefeated.
I will not let you bring me down.” – Christina Aguilera
I started out this year as a girl who wanted to overcome her depression and got a new-found of music and group of people to help her see the positive side of life. That life doesn’t have to be sad and you don’t have to hate yourself. Life is beautiful. It can be complicated and crazy, but both of those things can be good too. Before, I thought my life wasn’t going to get any better. I didn’t understand why God was giving me more tomorrows, instead of just letting me go. I was getting told by everybody I was around that I was an inspiration and I didn’t know how to take that as a good thing. I still have problems with taking that as a good thing, but I’m learning, slowly but surely. I’ve noticed that as much as I thought my family had given all hope for me, they never have. They’ve understood my feelings, but they just didn’t understand how to help. It’s all a learning process.
As the year went on and on, my friends list from my hometown kept declining without my consent. I didn’t want any of my friendships to end, but ever since I graduated from high school. I understood I wouldn’t be able to keep all of the same friends I had from school. It just wasn’t going to happen. For some, I was actually fine with that. As for the rest, it kept getting harder and harder to keep up. They kept taking pictures of different people who I knew and found time to be around them, but as they said the words, “we’ll hang out soon” that slowly became just a thought in my mind again. It never happened. Good things happened for the ones I went to school with, some had gotten engaged, married, were pregnant, and one even surprised me, when they decided they was going to go into the army. I never saw them as the type to want to go on to do that. At the beginning of the year, my cousin had finally made the move up north permanent. Everybody was doing things and going places. I wasn’t. I was still stuck in the same ole place I started from and I couldn’t wrap my head around it either.
I don’t know why, but love has to be on my mind all the time. I’ve heard people say on movies and TV shows to their fellow actors or actresses, that they need to get out and meet somebody. Just one little problem. I don’t believe in fairy tales, so I’m definitely not going to believe an actress in a movie who memorized a script that told her to tell the other actress, she needed to get out there in the world and play the field for a bit. I knew I wasn’t going to go out on a date anytime soon because of my slow declining of friends around town. On a good note though, I decided early enough in the year to not do online dating. To me, it’s just not safe, but yet I talk to random people on Twitter. Yeah, that part comes into my mind too. My friends from Twitter are a different breed though. I know I’m not going to fall in love with anyone. I think they’re all beautiful in their own way, but I know it’s not worth the pain to tell them I think I have feelings for them. Have I had a thing for some of them? Yes, and I have kept my mouth shut and I intend to continue to do so.
Around February, I decided to break my vows I had made to myself almost two years before. I decided that it was time to get back into drawing again. It was Super Bowl Sunday that I actually sat on the floor and just doodled in my sketchbook, and I thought I was making a bad decision, because doing projects at home is very different from doing them at school. At school, we were only allowed a week for each project. Since I didn’t have anybody telling me how many days I had left (my teacher never did that, but you get my point) and all I needed was my dad nearby to stir me in the right direction. As he says everytime I bring him my drawings that he doesn’t know what I need fixed and just likes everything I do. That never helps when he tells me that, but somehow it works every single time. After I finished my first portrait after almost two years, it was interesting since the first day I started working on it, I bawled like a baby because I put too much pressure on myself to do a good job on it. Now, the only reason why I pressure myself is because my dad calls me a quitter everytime I don’t complete one of my drawings. Everything I do, I do as a hobby, but people don’t understand it. That’s why I’ve never given journalism a shot.
I did two things I’d never thought I’d do. 1.) I got into heavy metal. 2.) I read 50 Shades of Grey and got through it. First, I got into metal in late 2011. I started listening bands like, In This Moment, Shinedown, Papa Roach, Lacuna Coil and my ultimate favorite at the moment, Five Finger Death Punch. If you have been reading my stuff since the beginning of the year, you’ve read about how my love for this band. Over the summer, I found out that there were two festivals that we’re coming into town an hour away from where I live. I begged and begged my parents to go to each and neither one budged. I literally got made fun of my metal music preferences. However, just two months after 5FDP came into town, my dad caved in and asked me to make him a burn CD of my favorite songs by them. I felt like a proud daughter, but it would surely come back to bite me in the butt a little. My dad started learning the songs and using it to make me laugh and I mean, everytime he would try to sing or scream like Ivan, I would laugh my ass off.
During this time, I had heard about this book called 50 Shades of Grey. I had seen it on Amazon before all the talk about it. I read the summary and thought it was interesting, to say the least, but something about it, just made me feel uncomfortable. Just reading the summary of it made me feel weird. That should have been my warning. I think I spent at least two months trying to get through it, after I had finish my last rockstar biography for the year, or as I thought. Anyways, as I read it, the more I hated it. When I did my review, I had actually waited another month to do it. I didn’t like the book as I thought I would. Everybody said it was the best book of the summer, but I didn’t like it. You know when I didn’t like the first book of a series, when I didn’t even bother reading the other books. I had better luck with the next series than I did with this series. The series I’m into now, is called Sinners On Tour and they’re by Olivia Cunning. So of course, since the title of the series doesn’t tell you what it’s about. It’s a rock ‘n roll plus erotica book. I’m almost finished with the second book and I can’t wait to start the third book in the series. I read Olivia’s blog too, so I love reading her spoilers of the next books. I am addicted to the series!
There were two things that were different from the years before were I, well my family went to the mall more than twice in one year. Which usually NEVER happens. I think I went to Wal-Mart three times and I’ve went to the mall like six times. Not bad, since it’s a longer trip and more ways to shop for clothes. Even though I’m not an expensive type of person, I do like getting out and window shopping. Nothing wrong with that. If I had enough money than I went online to look ahead like a day before our trip and took pictures of which tops I liked online and had the guts to ask the employees to help me find certain things. As much as it use to drive me crazy, I’m starting to get a little better with it now. My band shirts kept growing and what I thought was just going to be a phase, my skulls obsession kept growing too. I can’t get enough of it. Now I’m trying to cut down on my dark clothes and buy lighter clothes for my second change of my life. After my last breakdown of my boring life, the week before Thanksgiving, my mom talked to my aunt into having do volunteer work at the same place my mom works. I started the week after Thanksgiving, and I love doing it. It gets me out of the house and gets me around people again. Which is also good for me since I was starting to hate people the more life went on for me.
This year has been a year of ups and downs. I’ve had my fair share of downs this year and as much as I’d like not to relive those days, I’m glad they happened. I’ve grown up and became stronger in every way. The downs from 2011 became the ups as the year went on. It was probably the best thing that could’ve happened to not only myself, but for my family as well. We had more family visits and spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas together. It was more than I thought I ever wanted. Family is important element to have when you feel like you’re alone on this big planet full of crazy people. God has gotten me through another year and I’m glad he’s never given up on me, even though I’ve turned into a little metalhead. I don’t know what 2013 has in store for me or anybody else, but I hope it continues on the same path its on right now because I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’ve lost some friends, but I’ve gained a few new ones back. I learned I need to start accepting myself as a person more. For my 21st birthday I realized I didn’t need to have an alcohol infested party with strippers (if you’ve been reading my posts since the end of 2011 you’ll get this) all I needed was some family time in an old restaurant we use to go when I was little, go to a bookstore and shopping afterwards. That’s what I learned through this chaotic journey. Hopefully I’m not done either. I hope you welcome 2013 will open arms, in my case with an open mind. Understand that is life is beautiful too. (: