Speak. Listen. Understand.

“Shut up, Shut up, Shut up.
You’re gonna listen to what I say this time.
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up.
Shut your fucking mouth, this life is mine.”
You’re Gonna Listen, In This Moment.

I started this blog to help me deal with things in my life. I wanted to show everybody what my life is about, the highs and the lows. My mind and body are so drained, it’s not even funny. Today was the first in a while, where I actually got to vent out loud. I somehow stopped in the past few months. I recently found out I only have a few people to tell everything to. When I was in school, I wasn’t in one clique. I was everywhere. I started off having probably a hundred friends. After graduation, it shorten down to probably ten. That was just in a four-month range. As the years went on, it became shorter and shorter. I am very active on Twitter and everything and have made a lot of friends from there, but it seems I’m pushing them away from me. In all honesty, I feel like I have two or three friends right now. That scares me.

I can vent to my nana now. I don’t like to bother other people with my problems because what can they do? Give me advice over on the Internet. Sure, I can give people advice but how many people actually follow my advice that I give them? I told my nana today, that I feel like my body is drained. I can’t get myself to be happy on my own. I am waiting for something good to come along and change everything, but I am not a patient person. I have tried to change my ways for years, but I can never get myself to fully do it. I feel like my body is about to go into a depression. I don’t want to do that. I promised myself I won’t crawl that low into a hole again, but if I don’t find something good that will stay, I will eventually fall into the black hole. I have been taking naps a lot more lately. My body aches and I just want to disappear. I just want to start another day.

I feel like I am in a tunnel, and I am running right into the darkest part of it, and everytime I see this light at the end. I hope it’s something good, instead of a train bursting me backwards. I tell everybody to be positive and push yourself to make yourself better. I am the last person to tell somebody to keep pushing on, when I couldn’t even keep those negative thoughts out of my head when I was doing my first year of college. I lost a fight, but I keep hoping for another miracle to come my way. I had this thing lined up, and I was very excited about it and everything, because I really thought this would be my turning point, but after three days of waiting for it, and never getting anything back about it, I lost all my hope. Everytime I get told something about it, I don’t believe in it. One thing that gets me is I’m used to failure and I still handled it bad.

Last week when I was doing something almost everyday, I think it took a toll on my body. My only day where I didn’t actually do anything was Thursday, So you can imagine a person who has been up and down for four days straight, I needed that day to myself. That’s all I did was lay down. I don’t think I slept in that morning, but I did start my naps that day. That whole day and night, I just relaxed my body and my mind (somewhat) I felt lazy, because I sure as hell didn’t feel this way when I was in high school. I had all kinds of energy, now I feel like an old person. So when Friday came along, I got up early and went to my nana’s, the whole day, and I didn’t expect to spend the entire day there. That night I went to the homecoming game. Remember when I said I thought my head was going to explode? Yeah, the day after I started remembering more and more from that evening. I talked to a lot of people that night. I felt like that entire night was a total blur. I don’t remember much. The next day wasn’t so much of a break either.

I went from wanting to express myself fully and telling my story to switching to keeping it all inside and it is literally taking over my mind and body and it’s shutting down everything. You can’t keep things longer than you should. I just want to breathe fully again and be able to be honest with you all again. Talking about music and asking for topics that have some things to do with my past is nice every once in a while, but I need to get back into telling the truth and being true to myself and finding a way to express that side of me again. I just need my way out again. If I don’t have that outing than I will go into a depression faster than I want to go into one.