Do you know what it feels like to stand out? Have you got something that is very noticeable or very personal, that nobody knows about? Everytime I watch movies about different characteristics, like the X-Men movies or any other Disney Halloween movie. It makes me feel all weird. When I was younger, I use to think I was the only one that was handicapped. Kind of like Raven “Mystique” played by Jennifer Lawrence said at the beginning of X-Men: First Class when she first met Charles Xavier. We all think we’re alone at first, then we find something or someone is just like us and it’s the most closest thing in the entire world.
“Mutant and proud” is what Mystique kept saying during the beginning. At the beginning of my life, being proud for my physical differences, was not in my deck of cards. I was never bullied, but I could tell nobody understood how everything work with me. Growing up and going to public schools, it could lead to a disaster. I was depressed over my looks, it first happened when I was in middle school, sixth grade and I didn’t gain control over my emotions of my strange beauty until my last year in high school. In school, I was more concerned of being in the popular crowd than feeling confident and being proud of myself instead. It sucked, but I’m glad I’ve learned my lesson at that.
I was just looking at pictures of some of the St. Louis Cardinals players going to Shriner’s Hospital earlier last week. It made me think of my time there and I remember how much time has really gone since then. I miss it a lot. I’ve been asked this question a lot, and it’s “if you could, what year would go back to and do all over again?” My answer was always be 2002, because it was not only the year I went to Shriner’s and had my surgeries, but it was also my last year in Elementary, that was difficult for me, because I had a school there and I had made friends there, but everybody at 10 years old wants to be around people they’re familiar with. Taking people or kids out of something they know for so long and into something new can be very hard to accept.
When I was at Shriner’s, it was very nice to know that the kids around me where about the same as me. Meaning they had physical and/or mental problems with them that they can’t help. The best example I can give is this, it’s putting a bunch of rich kids into a private school and everybody having one common thing about them, they’re rich. We were all at this hospital being treated for our different diseases, but we all had that common thing, we were different. The nurses, doctors, therapists, and families could do things with their bodies and we couldn’t, at least some of us couldn’t. It made us feel loved and kind of showed me that I wasn’t alone. Even though later on in high school, I still felt like I had those moments where I was alone, hell I still have those moments every now and then. I never once felt like I was proud of my own skin in school. Everybody just showed me I was just another person wanting to leave school. I was just passing through. I had fun in different classes, but I felt very alone outside of school.
I started thinking that was the reason why I haven’t been doing any college courses at all. I don’t want to feel alone and be depressed over stupid things. Everybody asks me “why aren’t you in school?” I always tell them it’s not my time. It isn’t my time. I am still learning to love my body and insecurities. I think it’s important to learn those things before anything else. You don’t want other thing inferring with everything else. So back to the reference of X-Men. I am a mutant in my own right. Feeling proud of who I am? Eh, I’m working on it. These things take time. They can’t be rushed.