How Can I Help You?

“Come close, come close.
And call my name.
How can you turn your back on me.
When you know my pain.
Stay close, stay close.
Light up the night.
Save me from the part of me.
That’s begging to die.”
 – Fireflight, “Stay Close”

I’ve had a total of five good days, but last night could have killed me. I thought to myself all night long, “how can this be happening?” I didn’t understand until different quotes started popping into my head left and right. Things look so great on the outside, but on the inside your world is shattered. I literally thought that today wasn’t going to be a good day. I was still thinking about last night and how I dealt with my new emotions of the situation. My mom got me up this weekend, never turning on the light. Can you tell you cried that night after a few hours? It’s not as easy to get me crying like it use to be. Over the years, I think I’ve gotten thicker skin and not as offended as I once was. There are some things I wouldn’t recommend doing around me, but other than that I’m fine. Last night, however was not on my to-do-list. For the first time in a long time, I cried. Weird part was I wasn’t crying about myself or my life, it was about someone else.

We have times were our depression can get the best of us. I’ve had days where I don’t feel like getting out of my room and just laying in bed in the quiet for long period of time. It’s a soothing place to be, but also deadly. A lot of us can say “I have it all!” and yet they are dying on the inside. I remember a day, and it haunts me regularly. I don’t know if it’s a reminder of the hell I was in or just cutting too close to me break me again. I haven’t figured out which one it is yet. Anyways, it was a day in 2010 that I was over at my cousin’s house and I was very depressed. I felt alone even though I wasn’t. I woke up early in the morning after and scoot myself into their kitchen. Everybody was asleep and I was being my depressed self thinking how much I hated my life and what was around me. I put myself so low to the ground that somebody could have stomped me like a bug and I wouldn’t have cared. I tell this story a lot because it helps me move on.

I woke up today thinking the night before. I didn’t know who to talk to because I didn’t know who could handle it. When I’m the easiest person to talk to, finding somebody for me to talk to, is way harder. People can’t seem to keep promises. Especially something of this nature. I talked to one of my dear friends of mine about it. Even though our distance between each other sucks, I can still talk to her about anything and that is an awesome friend to have. She eased me back into my good mood and told me things I desperately needed to hear. She let me talk and get it off my chest, because I knew if I didn’t tell her I wasn’t going to tell anybody else. On a better note, after talking to her I started to feel better. Then my dad came into my room and asked me, “are you suppose to get anything in the mail?” My answer, yes. It was either going to be from the states or overseas. It was from the UK.

My friend Stacie and I have sent out stuff to each other. Weird thing is, she’s been doing most of the shipping. I got a medium size envelope in the mail and got a card and some candies. She said she’d sent me a map of London’s Underground train and she knows that my papaw loves trains so I’ll show him it this weekend, but I’m the one that’s keeping it. The card I got is so cute! It’s got teddy bears, butterflies, and flowers on it. It’s so girly and adorable. I love having amazing friends. They’re the reason why I like being in this world. I wish I could have had them in late 2010. I felt like the only people I had in my life back then were my family and that was it. Enough with the past, let’s get on with the future. I love my life now and I want to help others feel the same way, that’s one of the reasons why I made this blog. So keep this in mind, today may suck but tomorrow is another day and a day closer to the weekend! (: