Escaping My Reality.

“Good things happen to people who wait.”

That’s what I’ve had in my head for the last year in a half. Which means I’m stuck waiting for things. I’ve grown to love it actually. I need to work on my patience a little. Two years ago, I didn’t have any of it. I had to get it right then and there. Now I’m not into rushing.  I can wait. Even though at times it’s hard to do, I have to fight through it. With all this waiting, I think I have it stuck in my head that something good will come soon. Well, now only one side of my head thinks that. I’ve been let down so many times before that when good things do happen it’s like I’m scared to be happy for it. I’ll put on my best face but I’m always expecting the worst. Everytime I think there’s going to be a day coming up with something awesome to go with it and something goes wrong. Yeah, the bottom of my heart goes, “I told you so!” and my other half says, “sorry, maybe next time.” Sometimes those thoughts lead into my bubble depression and then I’m ready for the day to be over so I can sleep off the crappy day and start another one and hope it’s better than the day before.

This past weekend it was just a wreck emotionally for me. I felt drained and I didn’t do much to get to that place. I’ve been analyzing everything around me again and that is bad. It started off on Friday with one text message that I sent out and never got a reply back. I really don’t care what kind of answer I would get, all I wanted was a freaking answer. I wasn’t expecting a yes. I never am anymore. So that’s how it started. I was waiting on somebody to make me feel better inside by saying no. Saturday, it was a matter of waiting until my sister got home from work so we could celebrate my papaw’s birthday. My mom was sick and I was slowly seeing my way to the end. I tried to follow my advice and keep positive thoughts going through my head but that didn’t work. Even music didn’t want to work and if that doesn’t want to work you know you’re screwed. I just felt alone inside. I was still waiting. Sunday, I felt worse. I had a bad night before. Bad thoughts made their way to my head and never wanted to leave. When I woke up that morning I still felt alone so I went back to sleep and messed up my sleep schedule.

When I got up from my four hour nap that afternoon. I watched Transformers: Dark Of The Moon. I was happy one of our movie channels had it on that weekend. It surprises me what music can’t fix, movies will. After it was over I tried to find something that would make me happy. So I tried music again. This time I only used Five Finger Death Punch. It seemed to work at first but I was getting bored. When mom brought in the kittens. I tried to get my attention straighten out. These little things are mean. I mostly get beat out by four out of five of them just by being nice to them and trying to play with them and protecting them from little dangers that I have in my room. Mostly cords and my walls. I was pleased of having less scratches on my feet this time around. They pretty much ignore me and go play on my wheelchair. These kittens act like everybody else around me.

Later that night, just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse. I was sitting up, reading my book. I was almost done with it and in a really good place. Escaping my reality pretty much. Then I saw something on the corner of my eye, my lazy eye. I usually don’t have good eyesight on that eye but I saw something and it made me paranoid. So I turned my head and I saw little black legs crawling on the far side of my mattress by the wall. I freaked. I had my headphones on and was reading and after my second yell mom came in. Thank God! I got on the floor because I knew she’d have to scoot the mattress over to get it. She asked how big it was when she went looking for something to kill it with and I told her I only got to see the legs and I was perfectly fine with it. So I told her big. I’ve been wrong before but when she saw it even she said it was big. She killed it. I got back on my bed. Finished my book. Did two book reviews and was even more paranoid the rest of the night. I didn’t go to bed until 4:30am and somehow woke up before noon. I hope these storms go away before my bedtime. I cannot wait to pass the crap out.

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