My Twisted Sense Of Humor Is The Result Of No Sleep.

Yesterday for me was not a good day. Between having my sleep get messed up again for selfish reasons. I still blame Jimmy Kimmel being on so freaking late on Thursday. I hadn’t stayed up that late in so long, I think I forgot what to do in those situations. Especially after you take off your headphones before the damn show comes on. That was a bad idea on my part, but I was pretty proud of myself. Although, I didn’t go to bed until 1am, I did drift off pretty quick. Normally it takes a couple of hours to get my mind to shut off and relax everything. I think I passed out after ten minutes of just laying there. That morning, I somehow managed to get up at 5am and mom took me to the bathroom before 7am. I didn’t go back to sleep until 9am. I stayed asleep until just about 1pm.

I woke up, pissed off at myself that I practically wasted my whole day. I know, I don’t do anything but I still care about the sleep I want to get that night. I knew I wasn’t going to get any that night so that was added on to my anger. Since I had plans the day before of what I wanted to do, and how much sleep I got that night. I didn’t have any energy to even ask to get in my chair to draw. It’s really sad when you’re in the mood to draw, but your body tells you “no.” Yesterday, I got some of my favorite sleep back and tried to draw to make up for the day before and I wasn’t in the mood for it. My doubts overruled my brain and I had so much pressure that kept building up inside. I thought I was going to explode. I was just miserable. On the good note, my mom got me movies from the movie store up the block. She got me three Disney movies that don’t have to go back until July 4th. Yippee!

Last night was a bust. Our heat has been off the rockers, but apparently everybody’s having the same trouble as we are. I’ve got to say though, knowing the Midwest heat is kicking Las Vegas heat’s ass, makes me kind of proud! I know I’m crazy, but think about it for a second. We finally match the West Coast heat. Now if we could catch up with their time, I’d be in great shape! Can you tell I haven’t had much sleep lately? I have to explain my night. Usually my room is like a freezer compared to every other room in the house. I have a clock that can tell the temperature in the room. It said for last night it was 78 degrees. I wanted some air while I was sleeping. I didn’t care if I was going to freeze my ass off later on, I would have learned my lesson, right? I rearranged my fan towards me and put it on high. It felt amazing! I went to bed at 11:30pm and wake my happy ass at TWO FREAKING AM! Which for every Linkin Park fan on the East Coast can remember, that’s when the livestreamed started. I was thanking God I did not have my headphones on.

I wasn’t comfortable in my bed. It wasn’t the heat that was the problem either. It was just me. I had both the A/C and fan blowing air on me and I wasn’t cold, surprisingly. Once my TV went off on its 3am upgrade it does. I thought I’m going to go back to bed. Hell no! I couldn’t get my brain to shut off. So what do I do? I switched the TV back on and watch The Nanny. I watched about three episodes and watched the sun come up. Around 7am, I began to get sleepy again and I rolled over and passed out. At 9am, I got one rude awakening. ChiChi was in one of her moods where, “to hell with everybody sleeping, somebody’s outside and they shouldn’t be” and barks the whole freaking time. That’s how I got woken up this morning. I literally said out loud, “that meanass little dog” and rolled out of my covers and forced myself to get up. I was smart I sat up and plugged my iPod into my laptop speakers and played Five Finger Death Punch before my day even started. If everybody wanted me to be nice, I needed some sort of music in my head.

Pencils Make Me Happy!

I’m back at it again. I told myself earlier this week that I’ll be drawing again. Yesterday I started the process of drawing my first female portrait and I am very excited about it. Nobody gets that even though male and female faces don’t have much of a difference between them, I’ve never done a female drawing before. I’ve been wanting to draw one for a while, it’s just hard to figure out who the lucky lady will be. I got the outline of the skull on yesterday. At the last-minute I finally got the eyes on after six tries. Hopefully later on today I will continue to make progress on it.Remember when I did a post about the smell of pencils are the best smell ever? Yeah, a few days ago my dad had to give me a pen so I write down an address in my notebook and he opened my pencil-case and the aroma of pencils flooded my room. It was pure heaven! This was Tuesday, I think and it was the same day I decided to get back into drawing. I love the smell of pencils, I know I’m weird, but we all have our weird favorite smells. Some of us choice not to talk about them. Being an artist, I’ve always thought pencils smelled pretty good after being left in a box for a while.

This picture I got from Google is a Charcoal drawing. I haven’t done a Charcoal drawing in years. I don’t really miss using them either. They were never my favorite, but neither were pastels. The both of them were easiest to mess up and get on your clothes. I have three Charcoal and one pastel drawings. This is a better Charcoal drawing than the two I have. Somebody knew what they were doing obviously. Everybody can think what they want about my “Mike Shinoda” drawing, but that picture right there is seriously beautiful. Now I bet you’re asking yourself, are drawings like these discourage me? Not really, It gives me that added pressure that I need to not do a bad job on it.

How Can I Help You?

“Come close, come close.
And call my name.
How can you turn your back on me.
When you know my pain.
Stay close, stay close.
Light up the night.
Save me from the part of me.
That’s begging to die.”
 – Fireflight, “Stay Close”

I’ve had a total of five good days, but last night could have killed me. I thought to myself all night long, “how can this be happening?” I didn’t understand until different quotes started popping into my head left and right. Things look so great on the outside, but on the inside your world is shattered. I literally thought that today wasn’t going to be a good day. I was still thinking about last night and how I dealt with my new emotions of the situation. My mom got me up this weekend, never turning on the light. Can you tell you cried that night after a few hours? It’s not as easy to get me crying like it use to be. Over the years, I think I’ve gotten thicker skin and not as offended as I once was. There are some things I wouldn’t recommend doing around me, but other than that I’m fine. Last night, however was not on my to-do-list. For the first time in a long time, I cried. Weird part was I wasn’t crying about myself or my life, it was about someone else.

We have times were our depression can get the best of us. I’ve had days where I don’t feel like getting out of my room and just laying in bed in the quiet for long period of time. It’s a soothing place to be, but also deadly. A lot of us can say “I have it all!” and yet they are dying on the inside. I remember a day, and it haunts me regularly. I don’t know if it’s a reminder of the hell I was in or just cutting too close to me break me again. I haven’t figured out which one it is yet. Anyways, it was a day in 2010 that I was over at my cousin’s house and I was very depressed. I felt alone even though I wasn’t. I woke up early in the morning after and scoot myself into their kitchen. Everybody was asleep and I was being my depressed self thinking how much I hated my life and what was around me. I put myself so low to the ground that somebody could have stomped me like a bug and I wouldn’t have cared. I tell this story a lot because it helps me move on.

I woke up today thinking the night before. I didn’t know who to talk to because I didn’t know who could handle it. When I’m the easiest person to talk to, finding somebody for me to talk to, is way harder. People can’t seem to keep promises. Especially something of this nature. I talked to one of my dear friends of mine about it. Even though our distance between each other sucks, I can still talk to her about anything and that is an awesome friend to have. She eased me back into my good mood and told me things I desperately needed to hear. She let me talk and get it off my chest, because I knew if I didn’t tell her I wasn’t going to tell anybody else. On a better note, after talking to her I started to feel better. Then my dad came into my room and asked me, “are you suppose to get anything in the mail?” My answer, yes. It was either going to be from the states or overseas. It was from the UK.

My friend Stacie and I have sent out stuff to each other. Weird thing is, she’s been doing most of the shipping. I got a medium size envelope in the mail and got a card and some candies. She said she’d sent me a map of London’s Underground train and she knows that my papaw loves trains so I’ll show him it this weekend, but I’m the one that’s keeping it. The card I got is so cute! It’s got teddy bears, butterflies, and flowers on it. It’s so girly and adorable. I love having amazing friends. They’re the reason why I like being in this world. I wish I could have had them in late 2010. I felt like the only people I had in my life back then were my family and that was it. Enough with the past, let’s get on with the future. I love my life now and I want to help others feel the same way, that’s one of the reasons why I made this blog. So keep this in mind, today may suck but tomorrow is another day and a day closer to the weekend! (:

Album Review: Linkin Park’s Living Things

Today is finally the day were every Linkin Park fan has dreamt of for over a year now. Linkin Park’s fifth album, Living Things. It is finally out now! I’ve been waiting for the past two months and trying to keep myself away from the YouTube leaked links that everybody had posted last week. Mike posted a blog post several weeks ago, about how the excitement when your favorite band and/or artist releases and how you usually celebrate it alone. So he shared an idea with us about doing a listening party on Twitter. All of us clicking the “play” button together at the same time and sharing our thoughts about the album. In other words, Twitter’s going to crash.

It’s been a long two months for me. I kept myself off the leaked videos that were posted and only listened to “Burn It Down,” “Lies Greed Misery,” and “Powerless.” I also watch the video of Inside Living Things. I bought ATS as a Deluxe online last year and couldn’t get the making of ATS on my iPod so that’s the reason why I watched it. So I didn’t have to buy the Deluxe just for that. So I’m ready to share my thoughts on the album. I’ve been waiting to finally let it all come out for a while. So let me say nothing is in order. I’m sorry about that.

My friend Adie made a Facebook event for the online listening party I think a few weeks ago and somebody had asked what were our three favorite songs from each album. I listed mine and somebody said I would love “Until It Breaks” because apparently all the songs I listed had a pattern. At least, that’s what I think. In their defense, “Until It Breaks” is a brilliant song! I’m still addicted to “Lies Greed Misery” and “Powerless.” The songs feel kind of mellow. All of them have a good start about them and then by the end everything gets very loud and crazy, but that’s a good thing. I like slow and mystery introductions to songs. Linkin Park has always done that. So I’m happy there.

I like the rock and electronic feel they’re giving us. It’s not like the whole Korn and Skrillex feel, but it’s definitely in that category. Linkin Park kind of added more things to make them more original. Between the topics in their songs and the sound of each song, they’re all so different and I like that. Chester’s not screaming a lot and which I really like that, because he’s voice is very soothing to me. Mike raps and sings on the album and it’s just awesome. I think “Castle Of Glass” has the most different sound I’ve ever heard. The intro is very cool and different and then as Mike starts singing everything starts building up. When Mike starts the second verse the whole sound gets bigger but still has that original sound to it. The song “Victimized” is the shortest one of them and it’s very interesting to listen to. Rob starts it off and of course, every fan of Rob’s is going crazy when it starts. Then you hear Mike rap and Chester just yell out repeatedly “Victimized” on the chorus and it just sounds so bad ass! And to know Chester was sick during that part is just the icing on the cake. My only problem is, it’s so short.

The song “Roads Untraveled” is very mellow and slow, but it also has a unique intro as well. I love how you can hear the guitars in this song because it gives it that extra something. Mike and Chester sing very softly and slowly and if you’re not careful you might fall asleep to it. The song “I’ll Be Gone” is very, well I like how most of the songs on this album are danceable. One thing I don’t like about this song is that when I see the title I get “When They Come For Me” stuck in my head. Besides that sidenote it’s a very good song. My favorite two songs that I can’t seem to keep myself away from are “Lost In The Echo” and “Skin To Bone.” They both have different sounds and tempos and they are lovely! “Lost In The Echo” has a lot of bass in it and its very electronic when you first hear it and they hear Mike rap, it’s like “hell yeah!” and Chester sings out the song. It’s amazing. The song “Skin To Bone” is very slow and it’s very catchy. Thank god!

Thank you Linkin Park for making another fantastic album like always. You guys are the best! I have no clue when I’ve been able to buy the actual album so I’ll be listening to it nonstop on Spotify until I can get it. Thanks Mike for creating the online listening party and Adie for inviting me to the challenge, because if you didn’t I wouldn’t have lasted until today. I couldn’t last until 4pm but you can’t blame me for it. Everybody was already tweeting about the album, so I had to join in on all the fun. Keep doing what you guys do. Enjoy your new tour and also know every Linkin Park soldier out there is loving the album and making them feel awesome. Oh, and thank you for the no cuss words too! Okay I’m done.

When Thumper Comes In Handy

My good days don’t want to end and that’s perfectly fine with that. Keep them coming God! I don’t think I even went to sleep last night. While I was doing my prayers, my right leg started spasming again. I was like, “really?” I thanked God for another good day and prayed for everybody who need it at the moment and left me last like I always do. After I was done, I just laid on my bed and tried to clear my head of the stuff I have to do the next day. I told myself to keep off the laptop and was happy I signed off Spotify beforehand because I sat myself back up and went back on my Twitter. I can’t believe my night.

My self-confidence level was so high last night. I watched Breaking Pointe last night and accidentally posted a tweet that I didn’t like Allison from the show and she read it, and sent me a tweet back. My guilty side came out and I felt sooooooo bad. I hate when I do that, but I didn’t think she’d actually read it. I had even posted a picture on my Facebook of Thumper from Bambi doing his little quote, and it was like instant Karma. Afterwards, I apologized to Allison, and she forgave me as long as I spread the word about Breaking Pointe. I told her, “of course!” I still feel like shit to be honest with you.

On a happier note, despite that experience I did end up getting better tweets after that. I got a follow back by one of my favorite bands Flyleaf. I cannot wait until they release their new single “New Horizons” I’m seriously about to go insane. You would think after the Linkin Park release I’d be calmer, nope, not in the slightest. Anyways, I was pretty stoked about seeing that on my mentions later on that afternoon. Then once as Breaking Pointe was ending, I put a tweet that I sometimes get upset when I watch the shows that have dancing in it because I can’t do it because of my disability. Which is true, I will watch Breaking Pointe and Dancing With The Stars and dance movies, but it seriously kills me inside.

Somehow that little tweet got Rex’s attention and he replied back to me, which I thought was so sweet. Then I was looking around, trying to find Ronnie. I found him and somehow got the guts to ask him if he has a Facebook fan page yet? I got two replies I didn’t think I’d get a reply back, oh but he did. I favorite that tweet. Actually I got two from him and favorite both. Then I had an awesome idea come into my head. I thought of drawing my favorite cast member, Katie. So I told her that I was thinking about it. She asked me what kind of drawings I do. I told her that I did bigger ones in school, but I do pencil drawings now. So I think I had her excited for that. Then I got my self-esteem back and sent her the link of my artwork that I post on here to her and added that I do it all with my feet. She replied back, “What!! You do those with your feet!” That made my night. I love knowing how they’re faces are going to be when they look at my artwork. She said, she didn’t freak out but was interested. I can’t wait to start work on it.

Love Breaking Pointe :)

For the past four weeks I’ve been into this reality show on The CW called Breaking Pointe. I had seen the previews of it when the channel was wearing up for The Vampire Diaries finale. I love dance, and everybody knows it. I watch Dancing With The Stars like it’s porn, so kind of figured I’d probably act the same to this show, even though it has a whole different vibe about it. Now, apparently I’m not destined to watch it on Thursday’s because everytime I try to watch it on its normal time. I miss it.

I watched the first episode online for 20 minutes and then finally watched the encore on Monday. The week after that I missed it again and I watched it the day after. Third week, I finally got to watch it at eight and I was so freaking happy! This past week I missed it again but I watched it last night. I am hoping to God that I don’t miss this Thursday’s episode. I want to watch it with everybody else and be in on all the inside jokes I didn’t understand last week but completely get it now! If anybody hasn’t seen it yet. Watch it on The CW at 8pm EST. It’s an interesting journey for these dancers and if you love ballet just as much as I do, you’ll love it!

The cast for the show consists of Christiana. who is the prima ballerina. Ronnie, is a soloist and has to be most different ballet dancer I’ve ever seen, but he’s very good. Allison, is a soloist and is in a complicated relationship with Rex. Katie was a dancer at Ballet West at the beginning of the series but wasn’t renewed a contract at the end of episode one (which broke my heart!) Rex is a soloist and his brother Ronald is a demi-soloist and dating Katie. Beckanne is the youngest of the cast and she’s also a demi-soloist well. Katie and Ronald are the cutest couple in the entire world, but Katie’s friendship with Beckanne is even better! Allison and Rex’s thing is very complicated to understand. You will feel dizzy after the episode. I didn’t think I’d like Christiana but I actually do. I don’t even get me started on what I think about Ronnie though. (:

My Wonderful Weekend.

Have you ever had one of those weekends where you wish it would never end? I’m sure everybody has in their lifetime. I’ve had plenty of those but not any lately. Well, until this past weekend. Man! It was amazing! We’ve had the weekend planned out for at least two months. Our original plan was to have my Aunt Laurie and her boyfriend Mike bring down their big boat and my cousin Amy bring down her jet ski so we can go to the lake for Saturday and then hang out there as a family. Then on Sunday, we would go to Evansville for my nana and papaw’s 50th wedding anniversary at Red Lobster. Well then we heard the boat was broken. I think I have that wrong, I think it was the truck, but I’m not for sure. Something’s broken I know that. It might be my brain, who knows. Anyways, so those plans had to be changed and Laurie and Mike were still going to come down just without it. Then I found out Amy wasn’t coming down. So, of course, I was bummed because we haven’t seen her in a while and I miss her a lot. Red Lobster plans were never changed.

Saturday, before everybody was supposed to arrive that evening. My mom, sister and I spent the day at my nana’s like we always do on Saturdays for lunch. Emily had the weekend off from work and she got stuck with talking to nana and I. Nana also kept her busy too. She had to vacuum the floors. Their dog Casey sheds a lot. She was found as a puppy and the vet told us that she wasn’t suppose to get very big. Well, they were wrong because she is huge. She sheds more than our cat Oliver and but the only difference between them is Oliver pulls out his hair instead. Thank god Casey doesn’t do that. After I got home I just spent my afternoon just relaxing. I had been up and about the past two days and I don’t think I ever slowed down. I had a lot of energy apparently. That night, however was an interesting one. I got a text from my cousin Kristi who lives up in Indy and she asked me if Laurie was already down and what time we were leaving to go down to Red Lobster on Sunday. After I texted her back and she just sent me back “Okay” I had this big grin on my face. Later on that night, I was like, “crap! I’m the only one that’s going to know and I like their surprise visits!” I felt like I got screwed out of the deal.

That morning, my mom had to get me up because I couldn’t get to sleep before midnight last night. I had leg spasms and they never let me sleep at night. My mom got me dressed and ready to go. I knew how long the trip was going to be so I made sure I had my iPod for the ride. My mom got a text from my Aunt Laurie saying my Uncle David and Kristi were at my nana’s. So I knew for a fact my nana was in a splendid mood! Then once I had ahold of my phone. I found out that David texted me and my nana tweeted. If I wasn’t in on it I was surely going to know beforehand. Either way, I was freaking happy! Haven’t seen Kristi in person for a while and I missed her and her dad like crazy! I know my nana was happy because she would get to see all four of her kids. They weren’t originally going to come down to Red Lobster with us, but they did. So we carpool the whole way there. Nana rode with Laurie, Mike, and Taylor. Papaw rode with us and mom sat in the backseat with Em and I.

Once we got there to Evansville, we were all looking around. My sister looks over to her right and sees this sign. She had to take it at least twice because she couldn’t get a clear picture of it with her camera. So she took off her seatbelt and ademptted to take it out of my mom’s window. Then she went back to her original plan and use the rear window. She was so freaking excited to see it. My mom and I were surprised that the light was generous to not turn green of her standing on her knees to take a damn picture of this sign. That would have been interesting, both papaw and dad having a fit in the front seat. She now wants one of these cakes for her birthday.

When we arrived at Red Lobster, we all got out of our cars and immediately started taking pictures of each other. I’m sure we looked pretty crazy to the other people standing outside. It was hot and everybody was already in a wonderful mood. I told myself, “well I hope God still remembers my prayer from last night.” Because I would have snapped on anybody who ruined a perfectly good Sunday with family. Once we were allowed in and sat at our long table. I was seriously thinking, “why couldn’t my birthday be in the summer?” I needed a strong drink and I knew the Raspberry Lemonade I wanted wasn’t going to cut it. We had to wait on my Uncle Rick and Aunt Linda because they forgot their directions. We ordered our salads and extras when we got settled down. I always sit with my nana. Papaw and I think Mike ordered beer. When Rick and Linda finally got there. Linda found out they had margaritas and she ordered hers on the rocks. I think there were about four of us that were regretting not getting one of those. She apparently had the right idea.

We ate and talked. I got a Cesar salad with baby shrimp. I thought my nana and I were going to share each other’s food and that didn’t happen. My dad sat by me too and he is a lot different from my mom. When we go to Red Lobster as a family, mom doesn’t share ANYTHING! Dad is nice enough to share because he doesn’t want us to be picky eaters even though he is the reason why we are suck picky eaters in the first place, but that’s another story. I usually don’t like baked potatoes with sour cream but everybody does. My dad got one and shared it with me and it was surprisingly good. After I established I was finished, I was amazingly fine. No stomaches at all. I was so happy to not have that afterwards, because I usually do. Some people after they were finished went outside to smoke and my Aunt Linda ordered this beautiful cheesecake with strawberries. I’m not a cheesecake and this slice was gorgeous. Everything at a fancy restaurants like this, looks so beautiful to eat.

After we left we took even more pictures and drove every single male that was there insane. We headed back home and I was exhausted. I had Five Finger Death Punch blasting through my headphones and I still could have passed out in the backseat. I was that tired but I didn’t want the day to end. I texted Kristi in the car when I let Emily borrow my iPod for the rest of ride home. telling her I wish she didn’t have to go back to Indy that night. Then I remembered her phone died so I had to forward that text to her dad’s phone because I’m a crazy, tired person! Once we got into town, it’s like a relieve to a couple blocks closer to your bed. We had to go home and take dad home and grab Callie since Laurie was going to take her back with them. Everybody went to McDonald’s and got ice cream cones. I’m not a fan of ice cream on a cone since my teeth are so sensitive. After we got to nana’s and unloaded papaw and myself out of the car. Mom, Emily, and Kristi went and got ours. I was supposed to get a Oreo McFlurry and they came back with an M&M McFlurry instead. I think I had that one coming.

It was just nice to have everybody down and have that laughter I’ve missed in the past several months. There’s always a feel in the room when today will be different, where good can come rolling back again. It may not be whole or like how it started out to be, but if things to be back to the way they were. Baby steps. Nothing gets better in a flash. When we were talking pictures and laughing at ourselves, it was just so cool to be back again. It’s like seeing your best friends again after a few years of being away from each other. You wish the night would never end but you know it will. I don’t know what will happen after this point, but I’m hoping it continues.