Something happened yesterday, for years and years, since I’ve been on this Earth I’ve always had people try to tell me I’m good enough and I’ve never really believed them because of the obvious. I hated looking in mirrors growing up, because I hated what I saw. I know a little after I came home from having my back surgeries in 2002 I remember going by a mirror at my nana’s house that was on the a full length mirror and I could scoot up to it and look at myself and I would usually cry because I would pick out certain things that I wish I could change and it would bug me to do everytime I went around it. One day, I noticed I no longer had my hump that I had from having Scoliosis. I always had this hump and once I figured out it was gone I remember being happy, but I went to tell my nana and mom that “now I just got to work my arms and nose.”
I hated myself as a kid. I was never bullied in school and I don’t know why I was never bullied. You read different stories of handicapped kids in public schools getting bullied and it’s sad, and I wish I knew that answer. I think since I didn’t bullied by my classmates, I think I just did it to myself. I don’t remember much of hating myself to the extreme until I got into middle school. Seventh grade was bad. I hated being around all these girls that had a boyfriend at their arm length and they just looked so gorgeous. So my mind kept telling me, “you’ll never be good enough. Don’t listen to what anybody says.” It really sucked to always have that stuck in my head.
I caught myself doing something yesterday I actually never thought I’d be happy about, considering how my evil mind works. One of my friends on Twitter, was talking about getting in shape for a celebrity. You know how fans work, they dream of one day meeting their favorite celebrities and going on a date with and happily ever after. I’m not much into that, but got to say thank god you all can’t see my dreams at night. Anyways, this girl and I were talking about how she didn’t have to be stick figure and try to impress him since that’s what he likes. You shouldn’t have to change yourself no matter what. Come to find out, she just wanted to work out. Later on, I realized I was still mad at her for thinking she wasn’t good enough and it drove me nuts. Then I started thinking how did I go from hating myself to might possibly loving myself. I have noticed I’m hardly depressed anything, not upset about how ugly I am, and just accepting everyday God gives me. It’s very weird.