I’m sitting on my bed thinking and remembering the times I had being at school with my friends. The ones who I thought had my back, were going to always be there for me, and the ones that never let me in when they probably should have. It’s almost been two years since graduation, and I feel like I am more alone than I was back in school. Have you ever heard of being alone in a crowd of people? Yeah, that’s not something good to experience. I hate feeling like that even when I’m just with family. Whenever I felt that way when I was at school, I was depressed and mad at everybody else because I felt like nobody truly wanted to be around me. Growing up, I was never the most popular girl or the most gorgeous girl in school. I craved to be like that even though I knew there were consequences that come along with it. I was willing to make those sacrifices. Trust me, anybody would. You saw this big group of students walking around with everything in the palm of their hands and not once did you see the problems they face in life because they never showed it.
Why does life have to change? What did we do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I sitting alone in this room thinking about old childhood memories of birthday parties, nights out with friends, and the happiness I once had with everybody. My life has made some dramatic changes. I’m up for changes, but this is a big difference. I knew graduation night that I’d probably lose a few friends. I didn’t think I’d lose them all. I thought I would get a text every now and then from a friend. I didn’t think I’d spend my time waiting for a conversation with an old friend. After all these years, I think some hatred has grown from within me. I’ve given up on a lot of people. At the end of every school year, everybody would say, never change, but yet everybody did. Nobody stayed the same. That’s part of life is that we grow up. Some become adults and others stay in their cocoons.
The first year going back to my high school for a football game was weird. The guys I graduated with weren’t playing, instead they were leaning up against the fence like I use to do with them. I always felt so bad for them. A lot of them stopped playing football and other sports to go to college. In October, I quit school altogether. I was depressed and even though I have been known to be determined, I gave up. Just wasn’t in my deck of cards I guess. I knew my emotional state wasn’t in the right place anymore. I didn’t have that drive anymore. What was worse, I felt like everybody was leaving me, and I was right. I had friends that still went to my high school, but they hardly ever talked to m either. I would have to get them to talk to me. I’m not big on that since I always feel like I’m in the way of everybody else. This second year comes along and I’m finally fine with being alone in a crowded room. I’ve gotten use to it.
Yesterday was the mark of one of my Twitter friends of being friends for a year. She’s the only one that I can remember the date of. Everybody else is just everywhere. God has taken these other people out of my life and put new ones in. He’s showed me that I’m not as alone as I think I am at times. I miss the old memories I have stored up in my brain. I miss the stories, the laughs, and the craziness with not only my friend but my family as well. Because it’s not just been my friends that have gone away, most of my family has come and gone. I never usually suspect anybody to stay anymore. Everybody leaves at the end. Almost like I don’t deserve a fairytale ending. I try to leave up to God because he’s the one that’s truly ruling my life. I’m so tired of feeling depressed over little things. I’m really tired of caring about people who have chosen to leave me behind. I’m at a crossroads with something right now and I don’t know what I should do. Continue to worry and feel sorry about it or being the bigger person and care but let God handle it?