Rip Your Heart Out

I’ve been thinking lately. Love has never been in my favor because everywhere I look is a reminder of heart-break of past memories. I’ve been trying to forget those memories and move on. Everywhere I look though, I get little reminders of how every guy I’ve been around can hurt me. Some on purpose or by accident. It doesn’t matter which is which anymore. They don’t care. Well, at least they seem to not care about the hurt they bring to me. I can’t trust guys. We’ve been through this before. I’ve been damaged too much. I’m really young too and I’m this damaged to give certain guys chances. I ask for chances with people but I never seem to give them a chance first. Sucky move there, Meghan. I haven’t been looking for love, but I have been thinking about it.

If I would have published this last week, I would have said “almost everybody in my family has somebody to call their ‘other’ and I have no one.” Well, in recent events that’s no longer true. No, not with me. We can’t get that lucky that quick. Trust me. I won’t name names, but before I thought it was just me in the older category. I’m only counting all my cousins. The grown-ups are another story. Anyways, I was thinking of myself and my almost 12-year-old cousin are the only one’s single. How sad is that? Then something came up, and now there’s three. So technically, it’s not as bad as I was taking it. There are eight of us, and four of us are single. I don’t think my little cousin has a girlfriend, because just his age is crazy enough. It would just be mind-blowing to know something like that. Your own little cousin can get a girlfriend before you catch anybody for yourself. What a slap in the face.

I’m not trying to be mean about it either. It’s just how I come about it. If love exists why does it cause so much damage in people? I thought in love you’re not suppose to get hurt and feel happy? Is that another lie worth forced to believe? I’ve been told I’m a bit of a sexist towards men. When you’ve been hurt as many as I have, it’s common to feel like giving them insults is the only way about it. Friends can insult each other. It’s not recommended. I do think I get a bit crazy sometimes but that’s how I learned to cope with every guy I ever came around. Treat them the way they treat you. So if they are nice one minute and a jerk the next that’s how I’ll treat you. It’s like instant Karma in human form. You can never be too sure with people, that’s why I keep my guard up more than usual. So if you’re a guy. Beware, because I might rip your heart out.

Road To Find That Something Again

I had the right mindset yesterday. I did almost everything right. Until I got on the floor and actually started drawing. Man, did it feel weird. I’m use to sitting in weird places for when I draw. Growing up and drawing at my nana’s house I’d sit in the hallway, kitchen, living room, etc. I was everywhere. At school, especially in Elementary, I could never reach the tables. So I would sit on top of the table. Surprisingly, I sat up there until I think fourth grade because when fifth grade came along everybody was too afraid to lift me because of my back. Which I didn’t blame them. I actually don’t remember what we did about that. Sitting up on the tables was awesome, because sometimes I felt as though as I was “Queen of the Art room.” Thank god I grew out of that stage.

Once I started middle school, I was being shipped back and forth with different aides because I didn’t have my own aide around that time. I took art four times during both sixth and seventh grades. I didn’t want to take gym in middle school, but when eighth grade came along I had to take gym. Anyways, the aides didn’t want to lift onto the tables either so I actually had my own little desk in there that was my height. It was long but not big enough for huge paper. That was always the downfall. It was a nice thing to have in art since I could do most of the stuff myself, except for the clay. That went straight to hell. When I started high school I took a break from art. I didn’t take it for two years, which seems interesting thinking about it now. It wasn’t until my Junior year, second semester that I went back into it.

I did the 2D classes, because I knew if I did the 3D classes my aide would be the one to do the projects and not me. So I never did that or Painting, even though I actually considered the Painting class as one of my last classes during my Senior year, but I was never good at painting. The mess was always fun but underneath my feet is really ticklish. Drawing was always fun to me. I hated it, and loved it at the same time. Junior year I did three projects that were out of the nine projects we had to do in all. My “Charmed Flower” was created in the dark part of the classroom on a small desk. During this time, I had another table but it was much smaller and had less room than the other table. I had some trouble with that drawing because where I was in the room, I couldn’t get the shading the come out right and I liked my little space in the corner of the room.

I did a “White Tiger” with ink wash. It was mainly ink and water. It was like you were painting because you used a brush to make this come to life on paper. I always had problems with keeping the paper and water cup on the desk. Something would always fall off. So my teacher gave an easel but instead of raising it up, it was flat. I can’t work with it up, my feet can’t do it. My legs can’t tired easily. Finally, I had room and enough stability that everything would stay on the desk. After I was done with that project, my last favorite was the “Justin Timberlake” portrait. It was made with charcoal. It actually looked like him. It was my first portrait and definitely wasn’t my last.

When senior year came along, in December I knew I was going to have my last Drawing class. I had to be prepared for this year and the projects. Our class was another small class, and finally I wasn’t the only upperclassmen in the class. There were two seniors in the class. I had to do nine projects but somehow I got away with doing seven in all but completely all the medias and only doing two doubles. Charcoal and pencil were the only two that were doubled. I did “The Six” which were the six members of Linkin Park and as my last project I did a pair of purple eyes I like to call “Legacy.” I vowed to take a break from drawing for a while because around that time everybody was driving me crazy about not doing art is a career. Art was always a hobby for me. Like, most of everything I do.

It’s been almost two years since my days at drawing. Three of “The Six” drawings are now two years old, and the other three projects are now three years old. Now I’m starting again. Starting on my next group of people. Yesterday wasn’t much fun to tell you the truth. It drove me nuts. Between thinking I broke the printer and the boxes my dad graphed out for me where too small, I was worried. I put too much pressure on myself. It’s just one picture but it’s one out of 15. You can’t tell your mom that though, she’d just think you’re crazy. Even though I think mom was already thinking that yesterday afternoon since I broke down. I’m an idiot and I’m insecure about how it’ll turn out since I haven’t done this in so long. I wonder how I acted after I went back into art after I took two years off when I was in school?

Patience

Well I’m excited to announce that I am in fact drawing again. I am so excited too! I finally told myself to print off one picture and do it. I figured I won’t start on my big project until later because I still have pictures I need find. In all I want to do I got 15 people on my list. It seems like a lot. It is a lot. I’m not used to doing that amount, but I know I can do it with some strength and patience with others. I also have to be patient with myself too. Even though, I’m not the most patient person in the world I have to be patient with certain things. I have to remember what I learned in art in school. Shadows and shades of the pencil. I’m not using charcoal on any of these because I don’t know where to get them. I have to use a regular pencil instead of what I normally use. And most importantly go slow. Haha! That probably won’t happen.

You know how when you see something whether on TV or in a magazine or book, and you think oh, that’s cool! Yeah, in my mind whenever I find something “cool” to draw. It usually is somebody in the music industry. I have not drawn anyone in movies or TV yet. I also haven’t drawn anybody that’s a female either. I know, and I’m all for girl power and I still haven’t drawn Christina Aguilera yet?!?! What’s wrong with me, right? Well, it’s kind of easier for me to draw men, because most of the time they’re less detailed. I’ll probably regret saying this out loud later. Mark my words, I probably will. Because later on I will be drawing Slash. I’m so screwed! Anyways, the picture I have is in black and white. All my pictures will be that way, one is because we don’t have color ink and I’m just use to black and white from school.

I found this picture by a music video I have been watching for the past two weeks. I’ve watched the music video about 100 times now. The guy I’m drawing is very easily to point out and I love the looks he gives the camera so I fell head first and went looking for these looks on Google and Bing. Surprisingly, I couldn’t find them at all. The last place where I thought it would be was Twitter. I went looking for the guys in the band, and the last one I couldn’t find and when I did finally find him, he had the look he gave the camera in the music video as his default picture. I was so happy! Now it was time to find the other members pictures which was interesting. I had to go on Tumblr for theirs. The band has five members and if I don’t like how this one turns out I’m not moving on to the next one or next band. I’m going to make these look good whether it takes 400 times to do it. It will look good.

When Music Takes Over The Conversation, Or In This Case A Blog Post

Ever have a conversation with one of your family members where you’ve had every subject in the world but yet there’s that one subject that is still a bit awkward to talk about? My nana and I talk about everything, and I mean everything! There are certain things you can’t tell your parents and telling your friends and always getting that impression that they’re thinking wrongly of you. Even though everybody that is around me, they’ve usually known me forever and are fine with my attitude and personality. It’s everybody else who doesn’t understand. I know not everybody should understand you, but in my life I’d rather have people know who I am, then try to guess or ask around. If you’ve done this, you are an idiot. Unless you’ve asked family members then you’re fine.

Anyways, back to the beginning. I went to my nana’s today for lunch. We always have fun chatting about a hundred things at a time. It usually gets converted to something about Adam Lambert. If you don’t know about this. My nana is a BIG Adam Lambert fan. It’s getting kind of normal to know my nana likes the same music I do. Anytime I have something new that I like I give the links to songs either on YouTube and send them to her Spotify account. Yeah, she’s that high-tech. She’s got a sense of humor and knows what she likes musically. From Elvis, Bon Jovi, Adam, and Queen. She discovered those on her own, well sort of. I got her into Linkin Park. That’s the only rock act I got her into so far. I’ve sent her songs I thought she’d like by sound. I don’t normally send her anything lyrically. I’m not always about lyrics, just sound. Then Sixx:A.M. came along and I sent her “This Is Gonna Hurt” to her Spotify and of course, she loved it!

I’ve recently sent her a few songs. I’ve sent her Within Temptation’s Somewhere (Acoustic), Adelitas Way’s Alive, and Nightwish’s I Want My Tears Back. I sent her these tracks at the beginning of the month. She said she liked them, but she didn’t act as excited as the next three I sent her. I had sent The Civil Wars’ song Poison & Wine on Spotify, but I had to send her Soldiers by Otherwise and I Can’t Wait by Runner Runner via YouTube. She really liked Soldiers. She has a good sense with music. Certain people can’t really see it because it gets blocked by her obsession with Adam. No offense towards her, because we all have that one artist or band we go absolutely nuts for! However, I have about 20 of them. I’m not really obsessed with them, I just love them enough to be a respectful fan. Not saying every obsessed fan isn’t respectable.

One Kick and Two Shots

Something I was thinking about the other night. Reminded me that it was a long time ago and I was so surprised that I was just starting to forget it after years of remembering. When I was in first grade, I remembered everybody in our grade at such a young age doing things in different sports and things like that. I guess watching everybody come do these things at show and tell just inspired me. One of the girls I was friends with was doing Karate. At that time, I hadn’t begun to care about what I looked like and I thought I could kick some ass. I played kickball and had a mean kick to me. So I thought I could do it. I only did three sessions and I think the first day we learned how to count in some language that I wish I could remember what it was, but the other night I was thinking about it and I had actually counted to five, because I could never get through the next five. I only said it to myself that night once and then my mind went blank and I couldn’t say them again.

I think we went to three sessions, so we did three Monday’s. I was in the first grade and I can still remember the day we did these. The last day we did it. We were just starting to do the kicks. I was paired with this girl, who I never got along with at all. To this day, we are not friends. I don’t remember what I ever did to her. Anyways, our instructor would show us what to do. She was first and then I went. I think that’s when I found out that I wasn’t going to last very long at this. She kicked perfectly and I had some balance problems and knew my legs weren’t cut out for this. I think another fact was she was standing upright and I was sitting on the floor. All I remember was crying and asking for my mom and going, “Can we go now?” I hated it really. I hated the fact that I wasn’t like her. It bothered me at all.

After that, we left that session and watched the older kids do their session. I don’t think that was a very good idea either because I was still crying and felt horrible that I wasn’t like them. We left that night and mom agreed with me that we won’t do it anymore. I think a little after that I started Girl Scouts. I had more luck there than anything else I did. I started at the middle of first grade until middle school and that was around 8th grade. Around that time, our troop was getting smaller and smaller. It all was fun, but before you knew it everybody was doing other sports and things like that. That’s when my Thursday’s didn’t involve vampires and werewolves. I loved all our trips we took. One of my favorite trips we took was also on a week were I was sick as a dog and it rained that whole day. Not fun.

We were went to two places. We went to an Aquarium in Ohio, but I’m not sure where it was located. Our destination was actually Cinnati, Ohio. It actually has three stories to it. It was the four of us ladies. My mom and I went together. My nana and Emily went and stayed at her sister’s house and got to know each other more. So picture if you will on our first stop, four of us. An electric wheelchair hoping it doesn’t get too wet and stops working and the very sick teenager in the backseat who is slightly miserable. We went to this Aquarium and it so much fun! I’ve never been to a place like this before and I thought it was so cool! Going through this tunnel where there’s glass on the top of you and you’ve got all these water creatures around you. Yeah, I loved it, okay?

Two things that you might enjoy. In one of these tunnels, I think it was the last tunnel we went into before we left. There was hardly any lights at all just the light that was making everything come to life. I wasn’t paying attention apparently, but when you’ve got fish all around you if things are the floor I’m not going to see it right away. Don’t worry I didn’t run over a kid. However, the end of the tunnel had a step to it and none of us knew about it. Not only was that part of the funny part. There was this frame at the tops of the tunnel and this MIRROR. Same colors and all. So picture again, a very excited teenager with our group leader figuring out there’s a step after the tunnel is over and me running right into the damn mirror because I thought it was another tunnel. Yeah, you can laugh because I can still picture my friend’s face when she saw me run right into it.

Our next destination was at the Zoo. It was our real place. It was also our “hotel” for the night. It was like 6pm when we actually arrived there and it was pouring down rain. Not only that was that we had walk up to this building in the zoo in the rain. That does not mix well with a sick kid unfortunately. There was another group there with us so we were much larger than before. We were there to sleep with the manatees. The place was very interesting. You couldn’t see the Manatee’s very well because it was so dark. After we were all in the building, my mom gave me my daily disgusting medicine that I had to have. God was definitely watching over us that night because he made mother nature stop raining. We went outside on this night nature walk with the Zoo employees. Which one was a guy and with about 20 girls, it was the smartest thing ever! Hearing animals noises at night is freaking creepy! We saw bats and monkey’s. We were all hoping we weren’t going to get pooped on. We went back to the building and got reviewed about the Manatee’s and saw some cute baby animals.

That morning, I woke up to what looked like a giant flat screen television on the animal planet. The Manitee’s were just swimming everywhere. Outside was getting brighter and you could actually see these two Manitee’s in the windows. Nobody was awake yet and I just watched them swim around. It was very relaxing just to watch them. I think I went back to sleep because my group gave me one rude awakening afterwards. We ate cereal and packed up our stuff before they opened up the Zoo. We had the whole day of roaming around the Zoo. However, I think our group left early. I don’t remember really, but I think that’s right. It was a fun trip. I still got my shot glasses from that trip. Yes, I was a teenager buying a pink and purple shot glasses. I didn’t know at the time, I just thought they were cute and one was purple. Don’t judge me.

I Wish “Married To Rock” Was Still On.

You ever saw a preview of a new show and think as you’re watching it, it looks like a good show, but I don’t know? Yeah, that’s how this show was for me. I watched this show about three days after my 19th birthday. That’s when it premiered. I saw all the previews for it for about a month and the Sunday night it premiered I was an instant fan of the show. I didn’t expect to like it so much, but I did. I don’t regret it either.

Watching the first episode was interesting. Because I thought my dad would have a cow I was watching it. He didn’t like my sister and I watching Girl’s Next Door, I knew this show wasn’t going to fly with him. So everytime it was on, I would turn it down low enough where everybody in the living room couldn’t hear but I could. Thank god for closed captions too! They were a lifesaver on late Sunday nights! As the season went on, I didn’t care if my mom knew about the show so I watched it around her. She has the reaction I was looking for with dad, but understood that I was older than 15 when I first watched GND. She didn’t have much to say, because I was going to keep watching it anyways.

It wasn’t as bad as what everybody thought it would be. Compared to most of the reality shows on nowadays, it was good. Gave us as viewers and fans of their husbands/boyfriends an insight of what these women go through. I think that’s why I loved it so much. They didn’t care what other people think of them. Self-confidence works every single time. They’re everyday women-wives who are just married to rockstars.

Out of the four, Susan Holmes-McKagan and Josie Stevens were my favorites. Josie was definitely at the top of my list. She was the one who made me laugh the most. I loved her personality and style. She’s just an awesome woman. Susan was second in line. I envied her body! Wait, I take that back, I envied every one of their bodies. Susan is a mom, designer and former model. So my respect for her and what she does was always higher than the rest. I thought Etty was different. I liked her at first, but when she started being mean at Josie on the wedding episode, my tolerance for her shrinked. I just felt bad for AJ. Those last few episodes made me bawl my eyes out. She was my third favorite.