I was talking to one of the girls I went to school with on Facebook message yesterday. When we were in high school, she was a Senior when I was Freshman. She was one of the dancers on the school’s dance team and she had long hair, and I mean it was long. I hadn’t talk to her in awhile, she’d comment on a few of my statuses on Facebook but we’d never really talk talked. She and I were talking about her life in Germany, and we got on the descussion about college. I told her about my story about quitting school and how I hated online classes with a passion.
Before talking about that with her or anybody else. I talked it over with my nana. She was my own therapiest and she didn’t charge. The day she starts charging me is the day I’ll have to get a real therapiest. Before I started making the descision of quitting school I was getting really depressed with myself and other things around me. Anywhere I went I’d still feel so lost in what I was doing. I was taking online classes and felt no motivitation whatsoever. I didn’t thnk I had anybody on my side. Although, some people did show how they cared I think I ignored them. I say to people I was depressed for three months, but I was wrong. I was depressed from August to middle of November. I made the decision to quit in early October but still had despressing feelings throughout the whole month and going into November.
I’ve felt like I was a failure to my family. Nothing could get me into my old self and happy again. I was so down into this hole as I could go. I’d never been down that far. The sleepless nights and trying to keep my cries quiet from everybody else who slept in the rest of the house. Music wasn’t even helping. I bought Linkin Park’s new album at the time, and pretty well used their songs “Iridescent” and “Shadow Of The Day” as my sad songs at night and cried to them. Once I was at my cousin’s house for a sleep over. I fell asleep on early like always, and I woke up early and just felt myself crawl back into my hole again. I remember myself sitting in their kitchen thinking to myself about things I shouldn’t had been thinking about. It seemed like everytime I talked about it or thought about it I’d get worse.
Somewhere in December things started to perk up. Things were different and it wasn’t so bad as it was. I kept myself going and thought about other things besides how the past few months went and my talks with my nana were getting into better and healthier conversations, well somewhat. I made a vow to myself that I’d never get myself in a hole that deep again. The more we talked about how far I’d come from the start of August to the end of October I’d feel myself get stronger. However, it wasn’t until last August that I realized that was really healing. When I went to the first home football game I was somewhat upset on how I was being ignored by different kids that I use to talk to all the time. Then when I talked to my old consouler, she asked me about how was college going. I forgot she still didn’t about it yet.
I told her all about it. From all this time of holding back my tears with my nana in the spring. Talking to her made those feelings come back again. I was already slightly depressed about how I couldn’t go out and do things like everybody else. My mother had a job and dad is always doing things. Emily has different things too, I just felt like a burden to them. Then after July came and our family fight exploded and nana was in the hospital. I started to realize why would you want to work? Besides having a pay check. Finding a job or anything else in my shoes is really hard to do. As much as everybody thinks I can take rejection a lot better than people thinks I can. After talking to her though, I started to tell her that I have my family and Twitter friends to lean on and I have a blog to run.
Certain things at the time seem so important to you until then something comes along and either changes it or ruins it. At the time you might think you’re life won’t get better after something like that. I’ve went through four months of heartache and depression. It drove me crazy how I couldn’t get myself better again on my own. Some people use music or talking to people about it. At night I prayed to God to make me realize everything will get better again. Sometimes he has a good sense of humor and works his magic. I’m not saying the chats with my nana didn’t help because they did. I needed her there to release it. I needed music to drive me to get it out and release out on her.
It is November now, not sure when the last day of my depression was but I think I’m close enough. All three of these still help me out on a daily basis but now for different reasons. Running this blog gives me to release it more as well. Talking about it doesn’t hurt me anymore. I hardly want to cry about it either. It’s in the past. We can’t change our past. I couldn’t do a full year of college but that doesn’t make less of a person that I am. You just have accept certain things. Sometimes I accept things quicker than others. Those lucky bastards though! The song I’m listening to right now is one of those songs that help me. It’s called, “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch. Don’t worry, it’s more of a ballad than like the rest of their songs.